Dear Ex-Mother-in-Law,

It has come to my attention that you have some unfounded worries about Ryan’s care and wellbeing at home. I’m glad to see that you actually DO care about Ryan and what goes on in his home.

Fortunately, I am happy to report that Child Services did NOT find any cause for concern, despite the lies that you fed to them when you called them from Ohio last week. The social workers did a very thorough job of inspecting my home and rummaging through my refrigerator. Did you know that they even went through Ryan’s closet and drawers to verify that he was wearing the correct size clothes for his age? I thought it would ease your mind to know that your call did not go unheeded.

I understand that you don’t know Ryan very well. After all, you have never bothered to call him on the phone to see how he was doing in his entire eight years on this planet. Your son, Ryan’s father, chose to move 16 hours away from his children, thereby ruining any chance he ever had of being a father figure in their lives, and preventing you, his paternal grandmother, from ever developing any sort of relationship with your grandchild.

Because you have never been a part of Ryan’s life, and don’t know who he is as a person, you might not know that Ryan is a very picky eater. In order to get him to eat a hamburger pattie, I have to tell him that it’s meatloaf. He has decided that he likes meatloaf. You might not also know that Ryan likes Shake-n-Bake chicken, but only because I’ve had to tell him it’s a giant chicken nugget. Contrary to what you believe, Ryan does not eat Spaghettios at every meal. As it happens, did you know that Spaghettios now provide 8 essential vitamins for kids? Just a fun fact.

(By the way, I appreciate you sending me that information that you got from www.paranoid.com informing me that chicken nuggets and hot dogs can cause genetic mutations and cancer. I did some research of my own and I really think that’s a bit farfetched. If that was the case, 90% of the world’s population would have grown a third arm by now.)

So that you can sleep easy at night, I’d like to take this opportunity to lay your fears about Ryan’s welfare to rest.

Ryan eats a balanced meal as often as the rest of the world does. That is, when he doesn’t clamp his mouth closed and refuse to put any food at all into it, Spaghettios included.

Ryan does have a couple of pairs of shorts that are size 4T. He also has several pairs of jeans that are 7slim, and all of his shirts are size 6-8. It has been better than 30 years since you had to buy children’s clothes, you must have forgotten that all clothes are not sized the same. I try to buy what actually FITS Ryan, rather than what size the Department of Family and Children’s Services says he SHOULD be wearing.

Ryan does have a pediatrician. If you’d like his telephone number, I’ll be happy to provide it for you. However, Ryan has only seen him a couple of times since we moved here. I do my best to only take him to the doctor when he’s sick, and he just hasn’t been sick. If it will make you feel better, I’ll go sneeze on him when I finish typing this letter.

Andy is not mean to Ryan. I would not allow that. During your inquisition, had you thought to ask Ryan WHEN he thought Andy was mean, he would have told you that it was mostly when Andy told him to clean his room, take a bath, or brush his teeth. For some reason, those things are too troublesome for an 8 year old child to have to do when he is obviously too busy playing Star Wars Legos on his Playstation. However, I do understand why you didn’t go that far with your questioning. It might not have provided the answers you wanted.

In closing, I’d like to suggest that you mind your own business. For the last 7 years, I have had only the help from my parents in raising this angel child and making sure he grows up into the man that your son did not. Out of 365 days in the year, you only deign to visit with him for 14. You do not have the right to make any decisions on his life.

Should you see fit to make any more false accusations about me or my family, such as when Ryan’s father tried to tell me that he had a private investigator following me and when he told his attorney that I had abandoned Ryan, including this fiasco with Child Services, you may find yourself slapped with a mandatory drug screening.

Oh, you thought I didn’t know about your weed? We idiot rednecks from Georgia only like for you to BELIEVE we’re idiot rednecks. You dig your own graves faster that way.

Thank you for your concern, I can handle it from here.

Sincerely,
Kate