1) Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2) Borrow money from a pessimist--they don't expect it back.
3) Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
4) Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
5) I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
6) Never answer an anonymous letter.
7) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
8) Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.
9) Few women admit their age; few men act it.
10) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
11) Give me ambiguity or give me... something else.
12) He who laughs last thinks slowest.
13) Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
14) Always remember that you are unique... just like everyone else.
15) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16) There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
17) Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
18) I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
19) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
20) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
21) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
22) Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
23) Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
24) The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
25) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
26) We are born naked, wet, and hungry... then things get worse.
27) 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
28) Be nice to your kids--they'll choose your nursing home.
29) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
30) I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges!?
31) Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
32) On the other hand, you have different fingers.
33) I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong.
34) Don't steal. The government hates competition.
35) Humpty Dumpty was pushed!!!
36) For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
37) IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
38) I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure.
39) I can handle pain until it hurts.
40) If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
41) It's bad luck to be superstitious.
42) According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
43) The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.
44) Honk if you like peace and quiet.
45) Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
46) A day without sunshine is like night.
47) The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
48) Ask me about my vow of silence.
49) Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
50) If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
51) If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
52) If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
53) I intend to live forever. So far so good.
54) What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
55) If you take an Oriental person and spin them around several times, will they become disoriented?
56) I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I
57) I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
58) Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a shortcut!"
59) What's another word for "thesaurus"?
60) I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out!!!