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"Not Like This"

Man, I don't know what I'm feelin I figured I'd pick up the pen and let the ink reveal it to me I'm truly hurtin tryin to let this pain flow through me out through my fingertips I scribbled this onto the nearest paper I could find It's an envelope from my nigga Brixx But I digress a bit My mind's way of supressing shit I've been holdin this emotion Now I'm expressin it In a session with myself I'm selflessly selfish How is it that a shorty with so much power could feel so fuckin helpless I tell it to the beat and it seemingly understands It's sayin "talk to me, Shorty"....Damn But my pen stopped Not out of ink but I gotta think I'm feelin out of sync Can I do this? Is Judas lurkin? What's his purpose? I'd rather spit these verses versus(vs.) murkin this nigga that I got love for Cuz I don't want war...not like this I knew it would come but not like this Not from you! But your betrayal's enabled this paper to become a tablet enhabited by the path to my next level The only problem is: You were my man hundred grand and I called you my fam Now the bond that we had has been crossed by your actions Past tense chances The bottom of the hourglass is gettin fuller and then you pull a bitch move Smooth as silk your demeanor but you said you were playin for my team now I don't know what to believe What was real? What was fake? Can I deal with this hate that I feel when I contemplate what's takin place? Maybe you'll never get it Maybe you'll never know Maybe you're a reprobate still stuck in that get and go. Maybe I'm buggin out and didn't hear your promises and then you didn't go back and follow it wit the opposite...Naw that's just denial talkin tryin to ease up on the agony that's been practically having me on some other shit But I've discovered it's better to hurt a minute and push for them further limits not give it as I've been given but...you've taken so much more than my trust and honestly it's fuckin me up that  I can't even trust you 'round my mother But there's so much more to the story that even when you try to bring some clarity for me, I'm still not fully believing so naw...I don't wanna talk And from the heart every one of your gestures raises the question of true or false And I hate it that you made it this way You're not the victim You made a conscience decision to get missing Man I know your rhythm I know your M.O. too well And from the Capital up to the Big Apple back to the Careful I was there for every episode of your good bad and your ugly It's funny you just so bluntly disregarded your part of the plan and now the damage has been done from you constantly synging the bridges that's connecting you and me The unity's in jeopardy What's best for me is to reflect and be grateful and thankful that I've been able to remain stable and capable for articulating my life's twists Cuz I've pictured being hurt by my circle, man but not like this