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Soulbot

doc hammer


Last Updated: 12/22/2009

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Gender: Male
Status: Single
Age: 102
Sign: Aquarius

State: NEW YORK
Country: US
Signup Date: 12/29/2003
Thursday, February 21, 2008 
Ahh, the "Featured Profile". You've seen it right there on your homepage. It usually blinks with the orange arrogance of a Free Ringtones GIF... Always baffling. The one I was treated to today was truly UN-FUCKING-REAL.

It seems mathematically implausible that a number of people could spend so much time and effort on a project and have it be 100% artless, and have not a toothpick of elegance. Shouldn't it at least have an accidental scrap of beauty in it? Seriously. I mean, I've seen dog shit left un-scooped on the roadside that at least had a pleasant sheen, or maybe a marbled amber patina. But this hot pile of waste is just ugly.

It's like a little boy's birthday party was left in a time vacuum. All the party guests aged in accordance to the natural law. Yet no other stimuli was provided, and the little boys became feral. Every meal was cake and ice cream. Every interaction was a frenzied game of "Duck, Duck, Goose". The frail boys who were forced to attend the "ever-party" by their well meaning mothers were ostracized with epic brutality. The popular boys fatted their meaningless self-importance on the flesh of the kid who just wanted to make origami swans. It was a daily bloodbath. Halo high scores were revered, and had actual meaning. And never. Not once. Not ever did a thought go beyond the needs of the fleshy now. Luxury was a god. Pure hedonism with clip-on-ties. "it's your day, Boo-boo" said the unseen, universal mommy. A vision of Hell.

Then the party... Ended. The doors, long since covered eight inches thick with "Pin The Tail On The Donkey" posters, were pried open. Outside, a driveway full of really old moms beeped their horns. "Let's go, Sweet-'ums!"

The guests, now in the real wold wondered "What do we do now?"

Their collective response was to make THIS

If it wasn't so insidiously ugly, it would have a chance at being funny. I mean, Neil Strauss, who looks like the adult Joey on the new Degrassi, maybe needs a fuzzy hat and guy-liner or something. He needs more "Mystery" in his life. It's sad that I can't properly laugh at this. But come on, it's like laughing at a joke about Elvis. It's exhausting in its tedium. There is nothing that connects me to this train wreck.

My greatest regret? I don't have enough pee in my bladder to properly soak Dave Navarro and Nikki Sixx.

I love you,
Doc
Currently reading:
Swann's Way: In Search of Lost Time, Vol. 1 (Penguin Classics Deluxe Edition)
By Marcel Proust
Release date: 30 November, 2004
6:00 PM
 
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Judy

 
You bring the gasoline, I'll bring the matches...
 
Posted by Judy on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 5:53 PM
[Reply to this] 
Soulbot
doc hammer

 
Done! Oh, andI'll drink tons of water as to be loaded with salty, yellow liquid-sentiment.
 
Posted by Soulbot on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 5:58 PM
[Reply to this] 
Wild Addie Pi (OTT Crew)

 
Unfortunately, they'd probably enjoy that. :(
 
Posted by Wild Addie Pi (OTT Crew) on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 7:24 PM
[Reply to this] 
rebe

 
I'm just so relieved those girls from the mud flaps have been able to find work in the digital age.
 
Posted by rebe on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 6:04 PM
[Reply to this] 
Dr Girlfriend
Lisa Lynch

 
It burns us. BURNS! seriously, dave navarro? really?

I'm going to go read a book now to repair the brain damage i just suffered.
 
Posted by Dr Girlfriend on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 6:05 PM
[Reply to this] 
Christiane

 
Another sad sign of the idiocracy that is our society ...

What makes me also die a little more inside is this:

http://imagechan.com/img/4906/
 
Posted by Christiane on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 6:09 PM
[Reply to this] 
Jessicka!

 
this made me a bit sick to my stomache...
 
Posted by Jessicka! on Wednesday, March 26, 2008 - 2:04 AM
[Reply to this] 
Soulbot
doc hammer

 
... And did you notice the surname of the "Staff Reporter". That's quite a family.
 
Posted by Soulbot on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 6:21 PM
[Reply to this] 
Christiane

 
The analysis of this article on Encyclopaedia Dramatica is hilarious, plus there's more photos of the dumb wench:

http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/Lynzee_Stauss
 
Posted by Christiane on Saturday, February 23, 2008 - 10:17 PM
[Reply to this] 
Igne/Evane-scent

 
Wow, someboty got up on the wrong side of the bed...
*whimpers* please don't hit me for saying that, your iron fists could do much damage!
Remember, without ugliness how would one know beauty?
*whimpers again* please don't hit me for adding that.
And, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
and yes**whimpers yet again* please, just don't hit me.
Love to you too,
Mara
 
Posted by Igne/Evane-scent on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 6:16 PM
[Reply to this] 
Soulbot
doc hammer

 
It's tacky and indefensible, and you know it. Although I love your logic that people should work hard to make ugliness that reduces women to pawns, and sexuality to Stratego, just so we can appreciate beauty. It's a strong argument, and is the reason I drink a glass of vomit before I enjoy some apple juice. Now I really appreciate that juice! Don't play the Devil's Advocate unless you want to be on his payroll. This is all a product of my magic bed, of course. I had a master of evil feng shui craft a bed made of only wrong sides.
 
Posted by Soulbot on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 11:23 PM
[Reply to this] 
Nick Taxidermy, Walking Ghost Phase

 
fuck this shit. lamest idea ever. your blog, on the other hand, is a motherfucking masterpiece.
 
Posted by Nick Taxidermy, Walking Ghost Phase on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 6:16 PM
[Reply to this] 
H.E.L.P.eR.

 
Woosh, what a relief. At first I thought you were talking about my profile. But then again, what's not to love about Neil's profile and his marvelous use of over-used clichés. And I think every site should also be littered with the silhouettes of nude women, cause you know that's classy if it's on a trucker's mud flaps.
 
Posted by H.E.L.P.eR. on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 6:16 PM
[Reply to this] 
Xeyli®

 
Wow... something like THAT actually had you feel the need to post something.

It's nice to finally read something by you again. I wish I didn't click on the link you posted.
 
Posted by Xeyli® on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 6:23 PM
[Reply to this] 
Soulbot
doc hammer

 
Well, the artless reduction of two things I revere (women, and sexuality) is kinda ass-burning. But the "I gotta blog about this" was only the product of not being able to do real work because there are two guys behind me fixing my radiator.
 
Posted by Soulbot on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 6:39 PM
[Reply to this] 
Persephone

 
My oh my.. I have many regrets.. most involve the yellow and black attack called Stryper.. oh wait .. that was a nightmare.... oh by the way I love me to and of course you as well..
 
Posted by Persephone on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 6:23 PM
[Reply to this] 
Damien

 
i could actually feel the wrinkles on my brain disappear as i looked at it.
 
Posted by Damien on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 6:24 PM
[Reply to this] 
Jáyà

 
"Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"

It's like a bad one-night stand. That special blend of shame, sadness, and disgust. Or maybe that's just my reaction to the number of people who are no doubt thrilled by the project...
 
Posted by Jáyà on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 6:29 PM
[Reply to this] 
Madog

 
This what happens when there is no IQ test to buy a video camera. I must agree with you Doc, there is no craft involved in the making of this. But is nice to see the out of work actors keeping them selves busy now that there careers have dried up.

Later,

MADOG
 
Posted by Madog on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 6:31 PM
[Reply to this] 
Amber-A-Go-Go!

 
One of co-workers uses "The Game" as his bible.
Seriously.


He's a douchebag.

If you find that nausiating, go check out Tuckermax.com. But not a full stomach.
 
Posted by Amber-A-Go-Go! on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 6:33 PM
[Reply to this] 
Soulbot
doc hammer

 
Ahhh that Tucker... Making an art out of masturbating inside someone. It's like he has no imagination. "Oh, if only I could concoct a fantasy that doesn't involve me working night and day to debase another human. But alas, I am only Tucker. Tucker, the man who never learned how to masturbate."
 
Posted by Soulbot on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 6:50 PM
[Reply to this] 
Christy

 
Wait, wasn't that guy played by Tom Cruise in "Magnolia"?
 
Posted by Christy on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 6:35 PM
[Reply to this] 
DawaiOser (Misha)

 
Now if only we could cram Neil Strauss into the back of that van and give him the birthday party you described above. Sweet revenge. On a different note, I feel sorry for that ugly dog.
 
Posted by DawaiOser (Misha) on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 6:53 PM
[Reply to this] 
Soulbot
doc hammer

 
Neil was the birthday boy already... Better vengeance would be for me to seduce Neil using his tactics. I would not call Neil the next day... And I would publicly call him a "slut" that was "begging for it".
 
Posted by Soulbot on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 7:01 PM
[Reply to this] 
Scarlet
Scarlet Ibis

 
It confounds me how racism, real or perceived, has become such a taboo, but sexism is still all over the place and nobody really complains.

Thank you for complaining.
 
Posted by Scarlet on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 6:54 PM
[Reply to this] 
Soulbot
doc hammer

 
For the most part, we all want to get laid. It's the one thing we all have in common. We are the product of many generations getting-it-on. Sexism is almost unavoidable in the real world. Because sex is so damn weird. But to reduce it to this tacky game? To this creepy brand of obvious idiocy? To watch guys see if they can dominate even with the handicap of a ski-mask? Ski-mask? And the attempt at humor is this cocky bullshit... Ugh... It's just grizzly.
 
Posted by Soulbot on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 7:10 PM
[Reply to this] 
Kara

 
Yes. Some people are pointless bastards. It's dissapointing, isn't it?
I have a date tonight, so I need to save up my disgust/disillusionment.
Otherwise, I'm completely outraged.
 
Posted by Kara on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 7:02 PM
[Reply to this] 
Michelle

 
Sweet good Jesus, that's fucking awful. What they're not telling the viewers, though, is that when the cameras aren't rolling, those two actors are living in those vans. Navarro only lets them out for food and random jackassery.

Speaking of DeGrassi - Can you please tell me, Mr. Hammer, why the last few episodes have been SO freaking boring? I mean, they've even managed to make Emma getting naked in front of the whole school seem mundane. Where is our beloved Craig when we need him?! (Trading blowjobs for coke on the streets of Toronto, no doubt.)
 
Posted by Michelle on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 7:20 PM
[Reply to this] 
Soulbot
doc hammer

 
And what's up with Dave Navarro's jaw. It looks like he has an undiagnosed food allergy.

Come on! Don't tell me that Caitlin's return wasn't amazing. She makes-out with Ellie's boyfriend. Please! That was great, and you should know that! But yeah, I'm sick of the school rival merging bla-bla... Enough already.
 
Posted by Soulbot on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 7:24 PM
[Reply to this] 
Robyn

 
Thanks. I don't get to see the newest episode until Monday and I missed the "next week on Degrassi" in the last episode and have managed to miss every ad for it on TV. You spoiled it, you spoiling spoiler!
 
Posted by Robyn on Friday, February 22, 2008 - 4:21 PM
[Reply to this] 
Michelle

 
Yeah, but that Jesse guy has been a total dick since day 1, and I was completely disgusted with Ellie for giving him the time of day to begin with. I mean, they're sleeping together, and the condescending bastard still calls her "frosh"?! So she gets drunk and lays into Caitlyn, and lets Bastard Boy slide without one single bitch-slap. That's not my Ellie! (Back me up here, Rebe!)

Alright, I'm done now. Promise I'll stop using your wonderful blog as my own personal bitch-fest. Now go eat some chocolate! <3
 
Posted by Michelle on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 7:42 PM
[Reply to this] 
rebe

 
Of course a bitch slap would have been appropriate. But getting drunk and calling people sluts is more storyline than she's had in years, so I make do. And besides, I stopped thinking of Jessie and Ellie as characters and started thinking of them as walking plot devices around the time they randomly broke up for no reason so he could have sex with Paige, and then got back together because storylines with actual consequences are hard to think of.

Honestly, I'm still so relieved that Manny has her rightful hair color back I don't even care about how suddenly BADMINTON(!) is the big "high school sports program" with regional championships that huge corporations fall all over to sponsor.
 
Posted by rebe on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 9:37 PM
[Reply to this] 
Soulbot
doc hammer

 
God! I was so happy when they de-blonded the poor, unfortunate Manny Santos. It was bad enough when they gave her that senator's-wife haircut a while back. And I like the bangs now... Works with the loose curls.

Here is the real question: So we all saw the "Caitlin" episode. Okay, was it me, or did Ellie look pregnant in most of that episode?
 
Posted by Soulbot on Friday, February 22, 2008 - 4:42 PM
[Reply to this] 
Michelle

 
Oh my god, you're right! I didn't notice it during the "Caitlyn" episode, but just look at her tonight. Baggy nightgown, laptop perched on lap to hide midriff, and what looks for all the world like a maternity dress in the movie theatre scene. And that definitely looks like a bump under all those pleats! I'll bet you a dollar she spends the rest of the season sitting at tables or standing behind furniture.
 
Posted by Michelle on Saturday, February 23, 2008 - 10:25 PM
[Reply to this] 
Michelle

 
Yes! That was the best part of that episode - turning a "sport" that is usually found only at Toys R Us into the goddamn Super Bowl. Brilliant!

Ahhh, Rebe. This is why I love you so. I'll see you on your LJ for further teen-bashing later.
 
Posted by Michelle on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 10:59 PM
[Reply to this] 
Soulbot
doc hammer

 
I hear Degrassi also has an undefeated Croquet team this semester. And we all expect great things from their JV Lawn Darts Squad.
 
Posted by Soulbot on Friday, February 22, 2008 - 4:35 PM
[Reply to this] 
Michelle

 
Yes, and this year's Regional Sack Races will be co-sponsored by Hooters and Jack Daniels. Can't wait!
 
Posted by Michelle on Friday, February 22, 2008 - 10:07 PM
[Reply to this] 
Dr. Girlfriend

 
Neil Strauss is the real life version of Frank T.J. Mackey. Unfortunately, it seems that reality strips this cultural phenomenon of any of the charming absurdity (and therefore, humor), that made T.J. palatable. What we are left with is an effeminate, stupid and ugly "cocksman," who, indeed, eerily resembles the grown-up Joey Jeremiah.
 
Posted by Dr. Girlfriend on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 7:30 PM
[Reply to this] 
Soulbot
doc hammer

 
If only his life had a scrap of the irony Anderson employed.
 
Posted by Soulbot on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 7:31 PM
[Reply to this] 
jacobjacobjacob

 
if only neil strauss were like mission impossible and he self destructed after thirty seconds.
 
Posted by jacobjacobjacob on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 7:52 PM
[Reply to this] 
Briana

 
Yeah,
this has already been done before.


It was called Bang Bus.
(But i don't know if the girls they lured into their van were either porn actresses or dumb sorority girls. Nor do i care to find out).


And is it me, or does David Faustino look like he belongs to Black Young Teenagers. You know... the guys who sung, "Tap the bottle! And, spin the cap!" from the 90s..
 
Posted by Briana on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 7:56 PM
[Reply to this] 
Soulbot
doc hammer

 
Done before? It hasn't been truly done till Dave 'Odd Inflated Jaw' Navarro sinks his over-whitened teeth into it.

I've met David Foustino. He was wearing a little irony hat. Like the kind Brittany Spears wears with no success. I judged him as a douche based on that hat. I know, you're not supposed to judge a book by its cover... I did. And for some reason I'm yet to be proven wrong. I mean, you saw the beginning of that clip... the guy was sitting there with a plastic toy guitar playing Guitar Hero. That's cool? Right? "Hey man, I was just hanging out playing my little baby guitar 'till you showed up. Now we can go debase women and feed our fragile egos!"
 
Posted by Soulbot on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 8:08 PM
[Reply to this] 
Briana

 
Haha yeah, his teeth are pretty white. Isn't he a smoker?
i don't know. That's besides the point.


Well its not nice to judge.. but who am i kidding. The guy has a smutty post-90s aurora thats not charming. It makes sense that he's playing a plastic guitar instead of a real one. And to be honest.. i don't think anyone looks good in those hats.
 
Posted by Briana on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 8:42 PM
[Reply to this] 
FragVixn

 
Interesting.
 
Posted by FragVixn on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 8:08 PM
[Reply to this] 
Ol' Dirty Vegetable Duck!

 
Help me Hammer!, Help! Help! me Hammer!
I'll never get that time back!

Blah Blah I can't really read a script!
 
Posted by Ol' Dirty Vegetable Duck! on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 8:09 PM
[Reply to this] 
Eden

 
Someone already mentioned Tucker Max, but every time I see his book or The Game sold at my bookstore, I just want to slap the customer. I mean, sex is awesome, but the "tactics" these guys use are just insulting.
 
Posted by Eden on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 8:09 PM
[Reply to this] 
NIKI VS THE WOLF

 
dave navarro, rock band, and pee. its like the best brosesh in history! I cant get over it! My heart wishes for this man to never take notice of his douchebaggery, so we can learn and grow from it like the little science project that could. In all honesty though, this must be what happens when you write books with Motley Crue.
 
Posted by NIKI VS THE WOLF on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 8:39 PM
[Reply to this] 
SeXy BiTcH
Atom Piken

 
Alright, so what I'm seeing here is basically a web-reality-TV version of Silence of the Lambs? Except that this guy, Neil Strauss, is a lot less charismatic, and yet somehow creepier than the dancing serial killer played by Ted Levine (a.k.a. "Buffalo Bill")? His profile quote says, "with great power comes great responsibility" – of which he has neither. Clearly, and maybe it's the fact that I've been sick with a sore throat for a week and am basically drinking the honey directly out of the plastic bear, but this is pure, post-Jeff-Koons, USA-as-fall-of-the-Roman-Empire, post-intellectual, Faustian-David-Faustino-type-shit, genius.
 
Posted by SeXy BiTcH on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 8:40 PM
[Reply to this] 
Maeryair

 
Strauss' site is for losers with no heart.
The other site is for ugly losers with a bad sense of humor.
 
Posted by Maeryair on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 8:40 PM
[Reply to this] 
Poke Fritter
Jarrod Blasius

 
I've noticed this thing as well over the last couple of weeks, and it has filled me with much angst, sadness and personal disturbance - is this why I'm unable to connect with a woman, because I do not subscribe to this mentality? Seriously, it's enough to make me give up on everything. I'm going back to bed - anyone who wants to join me, I promise I will only think good thoughts about you.
 
Posted by Poke Fritter on Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 9:37 PM
[Reply to this] 
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