Friends....
What is a "true friend"?
Am I your true friend if when you come to me with feelings and you need someone to talk to...I listen? Or to be a "true friend", do I have to comment on what you have to say and how you feel?
What if you "read" into some body language that you think that I am "not interested" in what you have to say...is this my fault? And now you don't come to me to talk? Does this make sense? Shouldn't you let me know that I am making these "bodily movements" that you read into so I know not to do them anymore? And if I have NO CLUE that I'm doing them...is it really because I'm not interested? Shouldn't you ask me if I'm not interested? Have you even thought that maybe you're reading too much into how I move?
Have you ever had a friend where they have come to you time and time again to tell you about their worries, frustrations, fears, angers, upsets...and you have listened time and time again? Have you ever heard about something so much that you do and say as much as you possibly can to make this person feel better, and when everything you have said and done fails...you become the friend that just listens? But then when the person is so upset, time after time about this one particular thing, they take it out on you because "you don't comment on it anymore" and they "don't come to you anymore because you are not interested" (and they KNOW this because of your body language?) What body language you ask (and so did I)? I "stiffen up". Huh? What does that mean? I stiffen up = me not interested. Ahhhhh yes! Doesn't this make sense to you? If it does..can you explain this to me...because I obviously need to take the class "Friends who read friend's body language".
Oh...and then there are these events your friend wants to go to, but she knows "he"'ll be there...so you do some research and ask people vaguely if "he" will be at all the events, or just specific ones....because by being a "true friend", you want to alleviate any and all fears your friends might have. Ahhh, you find out that "he" will only be there on a certain day every week...you tell her, so that maybe she can still go to the events, except on that specific day. Am I being a "true friend"? I say yes. And what if you have gone to a similar event and don't want to go to this one (at all!), but your friend begs and pleads you to sign up because "he" might be there...are you an awful friend to not sign up?
I know there are insecurities here that I will never be able to crack nor will I ever understand the depth of these feelings...but have I been a bad friend? No...I don't think so. Am I confused now that she is upset with me because of what she has to face soon? Yes! Have I been there for her, EVERY DAY, time after time, to listen, to give her words to motivate her, to give her the sense of strength and self-empowerment? Yes! Is it my fault that I have lost the words to say to help her since she has lost the ability to listen? When words go through a person as you speak to them, smack the wall behind them, and then slowly ooze down to the floor...do you want to continue to speak? Not me. I try thinking that maybe some words will stick to her...but more recently, my words line the wall of her office. It's sad, but I am exhausted and hurt, because I feel that her insecurities have been completely taken out on me...one of her closest friends, and the words that she said last night to me made me feel that all of those hours of listening, advice, attempts to cheer her up, were worthless...I am a bad friend she says to me...not in those exact words, but to me "I don't come to you anymore because you seem bored listening to me" = "You are not a good friend". Target = my heart, insert dagger here and repeat. Oh..don't forget the salt.
If you have any advice to give...I will listen! The words will stay with me...not on the screen of my monitor! Thank you for listening. You are a "true friend".