Lucky for me nobody reads this thing, but htere is literally nowhere else for me to go to actually talk about my fears. My closest loved ones (sadly my mother and my girlfriend) seem to not actually want to talk really listen to me as much as make me feel better or stop complaining as i have been for about the past week. I don't wish to burden any of my compatriots who i am close enough to so that they won't leave, won't be ppisssed off by me and my usual group of peole who i might bother, the small grou of acquaintences who i would drop small bits of questions on to glean a full answer are nowhere to be found.

And it just sin' the fact that i hapen to not be invited to one graduation party or that my status as a pariah in my school seems to still be absolute. I think my latest bout with depression has to do with confidence. Lately, as the job postings come in, and i see my friends go off to their dream jobs, some of which i wouldn't mind working at myself, i can't help but think that perhaps i have done something wrong. why am i not gainfully employed. Why am i running away to another country, shirking any and all responsibility in lieu of getting a dream. Why is it that the only two jobs i have applied for rejected moe. Why am i not good enoogh.

And there's a bunch of reasons for that, most of which are not that interesting. we can't live in a constant state of regret but should move on. I know my mistake and my problems and can fix those. What's become even more nagging are the bunches of senior columns that seem to be haunting my own thoughts and aspirations. I wrote a column myself and all these columns were written by my would-be friends, people who i worked with, spoke to and cared deeply about throughout my first 2 years here. Instead of having any passing nostalgia for the well written pieces, i instead feel betrayed as I have with the various jobs that have been pushing my "friends" to greater and greater respect and fortune and when they talk about my college, how wonderful and lovely it was, i get even more upset.

College wasn't so bad for me, isolating, hard, determined. There are a lot of words that can be used ot describe. It certainly wasn't very fun. No. instead it was this long arduous push for me to try to compete with my peers, not because i wanted to, but simply because my grades weren't good enough if i didn't and even now they are hardly good enough to say that I won the competition in any form. It cost me my looks, my smile and probably a good amount of my hair.

And yet, what annoys me more than their enjoyment is that they say that the college gave them personality and freedom and all the trapings of adulthood and it is here where i think i feel most out of place. I left high school feeling i was accomplished and feeling that for better or worse what i had left was instinctively the past. I knew that it was time for me to grow up and to start lanning my life ahead. Unfortunately my plans have been consistently dashed. and now i find little reason not to just go back to high school to teach. it's such a regression, a return to that little safe haven i came from because i couldn't cut. Most of the my passions seem to have subsided and been replaced with a desire to sleep. If this is my independent self, I don't want to see the dependent side.

So i write here as means of trying to articulate my thoughts perhaps by facing them, writing them down and trying desperately to make sense of why things turned out hte way they did, I can master my problems and somehow put myself through a crash course of adulthood and independence and somehow catch up to the rest of my friends so that at least i don't break down in front of my family during the graduation and everything else. But i just don't know how