When I heard the news that my home town of Croydon was to be blessed with a Primark I practically jumped for joy; finally I could buy all my cheap clothes without having to go to Bromley or Lewisham.

Why didn't I see the problems back then?

Having a Primark in Croydon has destroyed me. There are so many things that have gone wrong since its opening, all of which have killed a little part inside of me.

Firstly there's the fact that Croydon plays host to the Home Office. This means it is full of people from countries that I've never heard of, and probably only existed for a year or so before it was taken over by President Bush. They might as well be paying for their stuff in cattle cos they sure as hell don't seem to know what a Pound is (until the government starts filling their pockets with them – then they have more money than me).

It's also meant that my cheap fashion cover has been blown. I used to be able to stroll round Croydon in the knowledge that not many people would be able to tell where I got my constantly updating wardrobe from, but now everyone has it and I will be shown as the cheapskate I am.

I could go on about how packed it is in there, and how you can't turn around without seeing a small child being dragged around by their hair by their own mothers (who will then no doubt start stealing shoes by hiding them in the child's buggy), but that would just be petty.

In fact, Croydon Primark has one good thing about it – Bromley Primark.

If you go to Bromley on a weekend now, you can peruse the Primark shelves at a dignified and leisurely pace. It doesn't look like a jumble sale (all the clothes are still on the rails) and you don't have to queue 3 hours to get served by someone who looks like they skipped a few stages in the human evolution process.

So you'll still have the problem of people knowing where your clothes came from, but if you got yours from Bromley there's less chance of it having a footprint on it.

Or you could always just go to Peacocks.