Sometimes i feel like i am completely alone in the world .....i try so hard to be nice and cheerful and great friend...i try never to say the wrong thing..to look at someone the wrong way....but i guess it is for nought..i guess i don't succeed that well....maybe i don't try as hard as i think i am....i am always alone...always....i am sitting up at night on my computer and nobody is online...maybe everyone else leads such amazing lives that by this time they are snuggled up and satisfied..or out having the time of their lives... i think maybe i am just not interesting ...i've moved a hundred different times and i still manage to keep in touch with old friends..compliment them and their babies(for some reason all of my female friends have babies...)..i guess i try too hard..i should just not care..but i cant even do that well... i wish i didn't feel so lonely all time...i wish my life were more exciting...i wish i had someone who i could feel close to...could talk to about anything..who looked forward to hearing from me...who thought about me all the time....i guess i'm selfish and self absorbed but it would be nice ..it would be so nice to have someone who came to me..and i didn't always have to run after them..calling....voicemail......i have no female friends that i am close to and a very few handful of good friends in general....it would be wonderful to talk to someone who actually listened .I've only had that experience a very few times...I guess i should just be happy by myself..amusing oneself however; is harder than it seems..i wish there was a formula to make somebody love you...even like you....

I don't want to be the girl who has to feel the silence
I don't want t be the girl who lies awake at night
Thinking about absolutely nothing
An empty haze
And then an empty bed
Stuck in a frozen blazing screen
Checking her empty box again
Tear falling silently
Feeling so ashamed
Wishing for a silent stranger
To wisk her away
A place where she can feel alive
A place where she can open her eyes
And always have someone to soothe her fears
And wipe away those non existent tears
and play beautiful music for her ears
On blood gut strings
On ivory keys
Such is bliss
To never be obtained
By one such as me

Girl of Ash