(The following is the brainchild of KCJJ morning show contributor R.L. Bennett, who obviously has WAY too much free time.)

Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Cedar Rapids area market:
 
"Cottage Grove Barbie"
This Princess Barbie is only sold at Von Maur.  Comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, Lexus SUV, long-haired foreign dog named Honey and cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift.  Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

"Elmcrest Barbie"
Modern Day Homemaker Barbie is available with Ford WindStar Minivan
 and matching gym outfit.  Gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation.
 Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

"First Avenue Barbie"
Recently Paroled Barbie comes with 9mm handgun, Ray Lewis knife, Chevy with dark-tinted windows, and Meth Lab Kit.  Model only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills).

"Cedar Rapids Country Club Barbie"
Yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2.
 Included are her own Starbucks cup, American Express card and country club membership.  Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper.  You won't be able to afford any of them.

"Palo Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, NASCAR T-shirt and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder.  Accessories include six-pack of Bud Light and Hank Williams Jr. CD set.  Doll can spit over 5 feet and kick Mullet-Haired Ken's butt when drunk.  Pickup truck sold separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free!

"The Iowa City Socialite 'I'm too good to live in Cedar Rapids' Barbie"
This collagen-injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit
 and drinks Cosmopolitans while entertaining friends.  Percocet prescription available, as well as a warehouse conversion condo.

"Kirkwood Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gutted Ken out of Belton Barbie's house.  Ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and see-through halter-top.  Also available with a mobile home.

"Ped Mall in Iowa City Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu.  She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow .  She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Ped Mall Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

"Metro High Barbie"
This classic Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll.  Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass.  Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

"I graduated from Xavier Barbie"
She's perfect in every way.  We don't know where Ken is because he's always hunting or fishing.