This one is the gold standard (no pun intended).  It's the one the callers still talk about.  (Well, one of a few...I just haven't posted "Naked Swordsman" yet.)

The best part is, the guy skipped his hearing, meaning when they finally catch him again, the story gets to live through yet ANOTHER news cycle!

Park Pee
Lang
7-16-07

A local transient with a lengthy history of public intoxication convictions has been arrested after police say he urinated on a park bench.

According to arrest records, just after 11:30 yesterday (Sunday) morning an officer on bike patrol saw 64-year-old James Preston Graham laying on a bench at Ned Ashton Park just off Benton Street and Riverside Drive. The officer reported seeing – quote – "a three-foot high fountain of urine coming out of his penis". Graham allegedly had slurred speech, impaired judgment, unsteady balance while standing, bloodshot watery eyes, disheveled appearance and a moderate odor of ingested alcohol. A post-arrest personal breathalyzer test was refused, and Graham was jailed for Public Intoxication. 

The arrest report indicates that Graham has too many prior Public Intoxication convictions to list. If convicted on the latest charge, he faces a maximum of two years in prison and a 5,000 dollar fine.

Please note that he was lying down on the bench, and the urine was going straight up into the air.  The listener (or in the case of this posting, reader) can conclude several things from this:

1) Graham was not wearing any pants or underwear,

2) Since the urine was going straight up, we must assume that Graham was "aroused" at the time of the incident, and

3) Using the "what goes up, must come down" principle, Graham was showering himself with his own urine.

I just feel bad for the next jogger/bicyclist/walker who decided to sit on that bench to catch a quick breath!