theres a magician on a cruse ship, his only problem is that the captain  has a parrot who understands them, and he keeps giving aways there joke " awk, it's in his hat, awk, it's up his sleeve, awk, in his pocket..... so the magician is really tired of it so when he's doin his next show....... he pulls out a pistol and shoots the bird, the bird moved, and the bullet hit a gas tank........blows the cruis ship all the bits .. . . .  the magician and the parrot are the only survivors floating on acouple of wood chunks and the parrot goes " ok i give up.......where's the ship?

 a guy's out hunting with his buddy one day.... his' buddy has his scope on and says i can see your house from here..... and looks like ur wife's cheating on you again....... the guy says i'm tired of this shit, shoot her in the head and shoot the fucker in the privets....... the buddy says i can make that in one shot.... hehehe

a general's about to go into battle with his men and says " hand me my red shirt" so it's fetched and the battle goes on for a few days.... after the battles over one of the leutenants asks "why the red shirt''   he replies... so when i get shot the men won't see me bleeding, and will keep fighting................ well the next morning the leutenant rushes in sayins we've got 20 enemy vessals landing on shore.... the general says fetch me my brown pants............. :-P