I am halfway through the calendar dates
of this UK tour, 2008.
but I have 21 shows left to go.
This weekend, I play two double headers,
on Friday and Saturday.

Luckily, our friend Liam,
from Sheffield, is driving us around.

He drives fast.

This will help me in several ways,
first, and perhaps most important,
allowing me to drink during shows.

Beer, pints, shots, and bottles
have become an integral
part of the Nice Peter show,
especially here in England.

I don't know if that's sad,
or awesome, right now,
it feels pretty awesome.

It gives me just a little
more confidence onstage,
false confidence, perhaps,
but it allows me to take the risks
and say the things that usually
end up being the most memorable
part of the show.

What can I say?
It's fun.

the shows in the UK,
on a whole, have been fantastic.

Weston Super Mare is the strangest
place I have ever been in my life.

We got weed from a crack head,
I'm sorry, a former crack head,
and, well... that's really weird.

The gig was a circus,
any comedy in any of
my songs was completely outshined
by the characters and the comedy
of the audience itself.

This was one show,
especially, where what
I had written before
was essentially thrown
out the window.

All I had to do was strum
a few chords and point
out the simple ridiculousness
of the people in the room.

It works, sometimes.

I made a return trip to
West Kirby, which is outside
of Liverpool.

It ended up being even
better than the first,
but again, due to the
enhancing effects of
San Miguel Lager
and one shot of Vodka,
I ended up picking on the one
guy in the room who had absolutely
no sense of humor.

I found out later that his
wife had also left him...
that day.

Oops.

well,
it wasn't my fault.
I'm more than willing
to work with any member
of the audience,
I can feel when they are pissed off,
and I can feel when they have had enough.

but,
for fuck's sake,
it is a comedy show.

You knew that when you walked in,
and it's not going to stop for another hour,
so if its really bothering you,
there's the door.

everyone else is laughing,
except for you,
grumpy sweater guy
who's wife had just left him.

I'm sorry your wife left you,
maybe it was because you
have no sense of humor.

I didn't even ever say anything
mean to the guy.

I was just busting his chops about his
sweater, and I think I said something
about the "lady standing next to him
maybe being his girlfriend,
or maybe that other guys girlfriend,
or maybe both... "

In retrospect, that might be what
set him off. Some young punk
suggesting that the cute woman
standing next to him was his girlfriend,
when he was in fact newly single,
and then going on to point out
that he was wearing a funny jumper.

Anyhow,
he stood there at the very front,
fuming at me.

I'm talking fuming,
like a Puerto Rican guy
moving his lips furiously
before he punches you in the face.

I tried to ignore it,
but how the hell could I?

You don't not notice
a guy standing three feet
in front of your face,
ready to punch it.

Hell, he could have reached
me with a step.

So I tried to diffuse,
while still keeping some humor,
it had no effect.

Have you ever tried
to reason with a Volcano?

It doesn't work,
if it starts to grumble,
it will go off, no matter
how funny you are.

He left.

finally,

to get more fucking
money to come back
and drink at the bar!

you're kidding me.

fine, whatever,
I left him alone,
he minded his own,
and stopped paying attention
business, at a very fun show,
which seems stupid to me,
but, whatever.

I apologized to him,
very sincerely, during a break.

I really did.

No jokes,
I said,
"I'm really sorry,
things got carried away,
I didn't realize you were actually
getting so upset, and I've tried
to leave you alone from then on."

He kinda just stood there.

So I figured,
problem solved,
Volcano, diverted.

But as he left,
during a pause between songs,
he came up to me onstage and said...

"I'll give you a tip...."

okay!
here it comes,
some funny one liner
from an edgy British guy...
he'll wrap it all up,
get a huge laugh,
and every will love everyone
again.

I expected something about the sweater.

what he actually said was,

"stay in your own fucking country"

wow.

what a dick.

-p