Contrary to what you might think, I'm not much of a writer and I'm an extremely private person.  I can certainly appreciate why that statement sounds like a boldfaced lie, as I've written about so many personal things.  And now... it's time to explain why.

On May 29th, 2006 I did something very simple that ending up changing my life.  I wrote my first blog and although I hadn't yet found my voice, it has become my favorite.  I needed to scream, I needed to sing, I needed laugh and I needed to cry.  I just didn't know how and I didn't really know why.  Therefore, I opted to rant about something that struck a chord in me.  "Music is the heart of me"... so it makes perfect sense.  I re-read most of my blogs today, beginning with "Empress Liu Liu's 1st Rant" and I still agree with every word, although Stephanie would use fewer adjectives.  In my life, hindsight has never been 20/20, but growth has always changed my perception.  Today's reflection uncovered all that was behind the lines.  That rant was a realization that I have a voice, even if it was once behind the mask of a royal moniker.

Well, I recognized the King, beyond the Badfinger and I will forever be thankful to Ryan, for reviving the enemy of complacency that was dying inside of me.  Praise you, Ilene.

It was my fourth blog that I found to be most telling.  This is where I first made mention of Phil Collins, as I listened to what I much later noted as "the album that changed my life".  It marked the beginning of a journey for me and I'm happy to have found some of the answers to the questions I unwittingly posed there.  At the time, I thought I was just writing to clear my head.  What I found was that when you put something on the internet, you no longer own it.  When you confess something, you can't take it back... right down to the color of your socks.  The things I've shared here, are the very things I couldn't say.  And a pen may as well be a sword for me, because heartache poured onto pages, can be compulsively hoarded away.  Unlike my previous entries, nothing triggered me to write that day... except misery.  When I placed my fingertips on the keyboard, I didn't know what would unfold.  I realized I had a voice, but it wasn't until "Face Value" began to play, that I finally found it.  And I began to ramble... lyrically.  With each blog entry and borrowed lyric, my voice becomes more resonant and my demons find their new home.

I've spent a lifetime in search of, listening to and cherishing the countless words that rang in me, while never oblivious to melody.  After all, lyrics are merely poetry, if they don't have a tune to carry them.  Someone recently told me, "Music does not cause joy, music IS joy.....it is a resonance".  A pretty simple sentence that may be the most perfect thing I've ever heard.  Music has comforted and carried me through every single day of my life and it is sacred to me.  Which brings me to the most common denominator throughout my life and all of my blogs... music.  Specifically that of Phil Collins.  After having re-read the majority of my blogs, I found a few seemingly insignificant details that I need to mention in order to bring my thoughts full circle today... bear with me.

I'm happy to report that T-Bone and I have become the best of friends.  Unimaginable really, considering that the real truth is... I fooled around and fell in love.  I admitted it to him immediately and I wanted to admit that here originally, but the timing just wasn't right.  Everything happened so fast and no one saw it coming... including me.  As I read these blog entries, I can easily recognize the fundamental differences between us, but I never had before... not until the night I confessed.  I deeply regret having hurt him so horribly, as he has been nothing but kind to me.  He would never have forgiven me, had he not witnessed the war that was constantly raging inside, and for as long as he had known me.

What you may not know, is that I was married once before.  That's where Joseph comes in.  He is my step-son from my first marriage and I've had the absolute privilege of being a part of his life since infancy.  I have watched him take some of his first steps, heard him utter some of his first words, last year I taught him how to drive a clutch and he adopted my passion for music.  He'll be 17 soon and I consider myself blessed to be an active part of his life, despite his father and I parting ways.  Truly a beautiful boy.

"Invisible Touch" is my least favorite Genesis song, because it reminds me of a specific event.  Joseph's father dedicated that song to me... very innocently.  That dedication couldn't be less complimentary and he had no idea.  He thought it was all about falling for a girl that had captured his heart.  I explained what the song actually meant and we laughed it off.  However, from that moment forward and every time that song comes on, I remember that day.  It's not a bad memory, but I felt like something precious had been stolen from me.  I've never allowed anyone to do that to me again.  Music is my therapy, my source of strength, my means of communication and understanding.  That experience taught me to never share this passion with anyone that wasn't equally as passionate, if not more.  Especially when it pertains to Phil Collins.

I've tried countless times to explain what Phil's music, specifically "Face Value" means to me.  The words "somewhat" and "I can only say this", allowed me to avoid full disclosure, while still being honest.  Blogging is therapy for me, so honesty is imperative.  As with all forms of therapy, it's a process.  I'm ready to explain.

"No Jacket Required" was the first Phil Collins album that I held in my hands.  My sister had actually ordered the cassette from Columbia House... a penny well spent.  Fortunately for me, she made the mistake of not locking it away.  I can remember the moment I spied that cassette and selected it.  I can't recall any of the other titles in that box and unless my sister has been digging through my box of treasures, she never saw that cassette again.  "Songs From the Big Chair" was my favorite album of 1985, but "No Jacket Required" ignited a hunger in me that was previously unknown.  It was Phil's most commercially successful album and it had several hits that were radio and MTV constants, but it was a lesser known song that caught my ear.  For me, a song becomes perfect when the music can convey the story independent of the words and delivery.. Is it any wonder that progressive rock would become my greatest love and "Face Value" my dearest album.  It was "Long Long Way To Go" that resonated, struck that chord and spoke to me.  The melody, lyrics and vocals complemented one another perfectly and it instantly became the first song I deemed sublime... absolutely gorgeous.  That song changed me.  I was hooked and instantly in search of my next fix.

My mom has an illness that I need not explain, but I'm realizing just how much it has always affected me.  I'm the baby of three and the one that was always closest to my mom.  I was 12 years old, when my mom endured her darkest hour.  My brother and sister are older, so they were able to come and go more freely than I was.  They were able to avoid many of the things I had to see, which probably made it easier for them to rebel... unlike me.  Seeing her struggle, instilled an empathy in me that made me forget and neglect myself.  My brother and sister were able to express their anger and upset, but I always understood.  As is the case with squeaky wheels, they were heard and I was seemingly forgotten.  I buried myself in music from that moment forward and it soothed a loneliness that I could never put into words.

"Face Value" entered my life at crucial time and I couldn't speak about my reasons why until today.  As I poured over my older blogs, I realized that I couldn't even think clearly enough about it to remember when that was... it was too painful.  I've labored over this blog for most of my life and four straight days now.  Some demons are so hard to fight that the words must be torn out one by one.  I wasn't wise enough to understand what Phil was saying at the time, but I felt every expression.  A life with unknown purpose, uncomfortable in my own skin, and a compulsive hoarder of heartache with an ageless memory.  That album exposes, speaks for, speaks to, teaches, reflects, empathizes with, crushes, understands, realizes, reinforces, ignites, frees, inspires, forgives, humbles, comforts, cradles and makes my entire being smile and sing in a way that nothing and no one else ever could... UNTIL YOU.  

The tattoo on my back isn't of Phil Collins.  It's a replica of an album cover.  The album that saved me... "Face Value".

Talk about a song that reminds you of a specific event... you've no idea.  It's not a bad memory, but I felt like I had given away something very precious and I did it to myself.  I've decided to share this, because I needed to free up all the room in my heart.  The compulsive hoarding of heartache ends TODAY.  The labour of love IS ours to endure and the treasure of love begins RIGHT NOW...

"A great lyrical quote" that would change my life... for the best.

Eight months ago I met the love of my life.  Had you asked me if such a thing existed, even one moment prior to meeting him, I would have said no.  Had you asked me if such a man existed, I would have thought you delusional.  We recognized one another in an instant and from the moment he touched me, I knew exactly what perfect meant.  Just a few minutes in his arms and everything ugly, within and around me.. faded away.  The way he looks at me takes my breath, but to look in his eyes makes me want to cry.  He has the most beautiful face I've ever seen... One that should only be looked up at.  His heart, that held me so delicately, redefines precious on a daily basis.  We love each other in a way that no one else could... as complements do.  I've never met anyone like him, except me, but he's so much better.  We communicate best without words.  And even when the music is turned down low, it's never in the background.  We share a love of music and we shared it with one another... Something I've never been able to do, nor has he.  Something I was afraid to do and so was he.  I will never hear a song, that I won't want to share with him.  An album could never comfort me again, now that I know what comfort is.  You see, now that I share my music with him, no one can take it from me.  I remember the moment that I stopped hearing music with my ears and began hearing them with "ours".  I was rushing home from work, when a Phil Collins song came on.. I've heard them all a million times.  I was hearing it through new ears.  Ears that finally understood the words and I cried.  I trust my love implicitly.  To him I give myself completely and there's nothing I wouldn't give to be back in Arizona.