I've never been a big resolutions guy.  Part of the reason, I suppose, is that I've always treated them more like birthday wishes.  Like, I resolve to have a million dollars.  This year, since I have time on my hands, I thought I'd cobble together a list of resolutions for 2007.  Place your bets now on how long it'll take me to break each and every one.

1.  I resolve to spend more time reading this year.  Time was I could breeze through a book in a matter of days, often reading more than one simultaneously.  Somewhere along the line, I fell off track, most likely after graduating college since, as an English major, I'd had more than my fill of reading.  I should change that.

2.  I resolve to actually get paid for writing.  Granted, this isn't entirely up to me but I can sure help it along.  By the same token...

3.  I resolve to write more.  I've been on a roll these last few months and don't want to see that end.

4.  I resolve to re-launch the Electric Theatre by the end of January.  Hopefully it will be worth the wait.

5.  I resolve to devote no more than eight hours per week to the art of masturbation.  I also resolve to devote no less than three hours per week to self-pleasure for if we cannot love ourselves...

6.  I do not resolve to quit smoking.  I've done that before and I'm sick of being disappointed with myself when I fail.  However, I do resolve to smoke more cigars and fewer cigarettes.  I like cigars better anyway and they always taste better if you haven't already sucked down three-quarters of a pack that day.

7.  I resolve to drink more or at least, no less.  Shouldn't be a problem.

8.  I resolve to return phone calls and e-mails in a more timely fashion, unless the message is from somebody I hate.

9.  I resolve to hate more people so that resolution 8 is easier.

10.  I resolve to find a picture of me that I don't despise for my gay little profile page.  This won't be easy.  In the meantime, please enjoy the currently displayed artist's rendition of what I might look like.

11.  I resolve to not eat any fast food.  I actually made this decision in late October and have stuck to it so far, so this is really just a continuation of something that's already happening.  It may be one of the best decisions I've ever made.  I understand I haven't set the bar for great decisions very high for myself but you get the idea.

12.  Finally, I resolve to wish each and every one of you all the very best in 2007 along with my most sincere hopes that you realize your dreams and sidestep tragedy at every turn.  OK, I guess I can check that one off the list now.

Happy New Year, one and all.  Check back soon for information about the exciting new home of Jahnke's Electric Theatre Volume 2.

Your pal,
Jahnke