Damn it.
I am a girl with so many dreams and ambitions, and far too many ideals for her own good. And I do mean that literally. Ever since childhood, my stakes have been high, my goals lofty and often unrealistic.
What does it take to downsize me? Or, at the very least, what does it take to make SOME kind of sense of all this?
On paper, I'm pretty damn lucky. I have a B.A. in Musical Theatre from Geneseo State University, one of the top STATE schools in the country. I got to pursue what I loved for four years at a great school for a great price. I got to be in an unbelievable choral ensemble and travel the world with them and serve on their executive board. I had opportunities that other people would KILL to have.
But on the other hand...I barely have any work experience. I worked in the dining hall, slapping sandwiches together and rolling out pizza dough. I did odd jobs for people here and there. What's more, I never did land anything above an ensemble role in the shows I auditioned for--so I've still go the education, but a minimal resume. So the question, of course, is the big Now What.
Over the past four years, the desperate desire for independence constantly conflicted with the idea that, at the end of the day, I wasn't developing any substantial amount of it--certainly not on a financial level anyway. That old "independence" paradox of adolescence has officially come back to haunt me, and now, here I am, 22 years old, back home in suburban Westchester, unemployed at the mercy of this economy, uninsured and crossing my fingers for universal health care (until I can vote on it), and with only a few tentative life directions.
I mean, I guess that doesn't make me drastically different from thousands of other recent college graduates, but still. All summer, I told myself, "The worst that can happen now is that it's gonna be like high school for a while." Which is weird, because that's supposed to be the Former Life, the one I left behind.
And the funny thing is, my "former life" is still here. It shows up in bits and pieces and whispers, but it is here. And it can be pretty insightful at times.
Last night, I went to the mall with my dear friend Chelsea, whom I've known since seventh grade. We grew up at this mall. It became our default hangout spot, even though neither of us ever really bought anything, except for bags of bulk candy and key rings ("Yes," in case you were wondering, "it hurts looking this good"). Last night was really no different, except last night, we went around from store to store picking up job applications, trying to find me some work at places I shopped (or crashed, I guess, since I rarely bought anything) as a pre-teen.
We then went back to my house and uncovered a big shoebox full of notes that we'd passed to one another in middle school and early high school. It was, of course, highly nostalgic and highly amusing--so much that we called up another friend of ours from middle school and met up with her at the diner to share the notes with her.
But beyond the nostalgic throwbacks, the thing that got to me from reading our old notes was that the anticipation of Something Better Than This was always there. None of us could really fathom what the Something was, but we were pretty sure it was coming, and we sought out any sign that it was approaching. We saw menial day-to-day happenings as LANDMARK EVENTS that we assumed (or perhaps desperately hoped) would be life-changing. For instance, Chelsea wrote in a note to me, dated November 17, 2000...
That's another thing I really can't grasp, & hold on to, & actually, absolutely, positively, really believe is me turning 14. HECK, ALL OF US TURNING 14. I can't see it, ya know what I'm saying? It seems so far away, so coveted, so...so...GOLDEN. Like, on your 14th birthday, it's like, "Ohmigosh, you're 14! How do you feel?" "Well, I feel so on top of the world, so old in a good way, so much like a real TEENAGER!" I can't wait until that special day, May 15, 2001, when I turn the real 14!The "real" 14. Not the fake one. The real, legit, life-changing 14.
And the strange thing I realized is that WE STILL DO THAT. We keep thinking that once we graduate, once we get into a grad program, once we land this job or that job, once we make enough money, once we get a place of our own...Something Better will happen.
Why can't Something Better be now?
The summer between seventh and eighth grade I went to a place called
SuperCamp, which was an academic skills/self-esteem/life skills camp that I guess my parents tried to use to "shape me up." (In retrospect, it was actually one of the best things I could have done for myself at that age, and I wish I'd gone back every year.) But one of the main things we focused on there was the idea that This Is It. Today. Right now. This minute. You can't live your life in anticipation of that Something Better. You can't live your life thinking that ANYTHING can hold you back. Really. And what on Earth do I have holding me back right now? What do I have against me that thousands of other people don't have against them ten times over? What do I have going FOR me that thousands of other people would consider me VERY LUCKY to have?
It sounds so cliche, like such a style statement, but GOD is it true. I think I'm going to go turn in these applications now. I think I'm going to live in the Real World...but keep dreaming. Someday the balance will work for me...I'm still working on it...but aren't we all.
As my friends and I used to sign our notes...
Luv, peace, OBSESSIONS, Hershey's hugs, Hershey's kisses, NEW! Sour Skittles, Crispy M&Ms, hugs, kisses, craziness, vanilla sugar, Mountain Dew, Pepsi, many colored gel pens, and all da rest,
<3 ~ Ashley
PS- Ashlee Simpson's first album rocks. Seriously! It's grown on me so much. It's got that quality to it that makes me think, "well, this might not be GENIUS, but it's REAL," and I LOVE THAT. mmmk I'm done.