Let it never be said that I lack the courage to admit my mistakes. For some time I was certain that robots would be the conquerors of the earth, and I wrote a blog espousing this view to you, dear reader. At other times I have seen the most imminent threat to come from our closest biological relatives; those distant cousins who, with their sign language and tool usage, threaten man's dominion over this planet. It is, of course, the primates of whom I speak. But again, on this count, I was wrong.
It is with a heavy heart that I direct your attention to this breaking news:
http://www.news.com/Monkeys-thoughts-propel-robot,-a-step-that-may-help-humans/2100-11394_3-6226344.html
The answer –so tantalizingly close, yet so far, and exponentially worse- was both.
While you must read the entire article for the full effect, the first 2 sentences should be enough to make you collapse into a quivering ball of terror. This is the normal accepted reaction for all human beings, with the small exception of a certain sect of robotics scientists apparently bent on world destruction. I hate to belabor a point; my last blog had a similar theme. However, the circumstances require, indeed demand, another response. Those developers of robotics technology have seen fit to outfit notoriously mischievous and savage beasts with what amounts to an externally controlled suit of armor. 200 pounds of steel and electricity and pure hydraulic power, placed not in the hands of a learned scientist or a technician with years of experience, not in the hands of a great mind with both the intellect and willpower to control such a monstrosity, not even in the hands of a human, but in the grime covered paws of a excrement wallowing monkey. This is worse than folly; this is a clear indication of nefarious intent. Rather than turning the world over to the robots alone, these "scientist" have decided to replace the extant civilization with what will soon be a cyborg driven monarchy. "A step that may help humans" indeed.
Animal testing, in years past, has been carried out with the purpose of protecting humans from harm during clinical trials of potentially dangerous products. But what harm is there in wearing a few electrodes on the forehead, I ask you? Why the necessity to give that singularly critical task to a simian rather than a human when there is absolutely NO risk involved? The answer is simple: To hasten the end of our world.
In attempting to discuss the implications of this new and horrifying development, I have broken it down into its most basic elements and shall discuss each in turn.
1) Where has science gone wrong? This question is extremely nuanced and involved; however, I will attempt to boil the answer down to its essence. Science went wrong when it gave animals control of machines. It is as simple as that. Picture, if you will, the logically predictable outcome of this scenario. See the 200 pound robot with augmented strength prancing about erratically swinging its deadly arms about in primitive rage. See the feces-slinging robot omnidirectionally hurling detritus. Inevitable permutations of this phenomenon include: badger-tanks with savage rage-induced surface to air missiles blasting through a woodland near you. How about a dog-controlled semi-truck joyfully careening about on the ruins of what was once living room. That certainly sounds safe and practical…if neither of those catches your fancy, try the rhino-linked forklift on for size. I would advise never going outside again.
2) Do you prefer savage beatings or electroshock robot reeducation? Trick Question… because you are getting both. It is important to understand that human rebellion will simply no longer be tolerated. Logic driven mechanoids will soon realize that the swiftest way to ensure compliance is to deliver a swift blast of electricity to the face. The ape side will be far less concerned with compliance and far more concerned with seeing how far your arm will bend the wrong way before you stop thrashing and screaming. Rebellion in the eyes of Primate-bots will be vastly different than how it is viewed now. Sneezing, for instance, will be punishable by death or maiming.
3) Paper or Plastic? Which type of bag would you like placed over your head as you are led to a human internment camp by your Gorobot (gorilla-robot) overseer? The answer, of course, should always be plastic. Far better to die quickly from asphyxiation than slowly by forced labor. The Apebot overlords will surely keep you busy for the rest of your short lifespan performing such critical tasks as ore mining, chrome polishing, and rooting termites out of holes using a small twig. Groomers, charged with maintenance and upkeep of simian and electrical personnel, will hold a particularly dangerous job, though relatively "cushy." The obvious and inherent risk in this job is efficiency and stealth. Groomers will likely have a much higher death rate due to the phenomenon of Simiandroid rage. This will occur when the primate in question happens to have a hair pulled along with a pesky tick, or perhaps is momentarily startled by the sound of a breaking dish, or a sneeze perhaps. Such noises will quickly send both the primate in question and his robotic counterpart into a melee of violence and death. Imagine being pounded into the ground by both piston driven robot drone and an enraged silverback gorilla. Groomers must, above all, remain quiet and unobtrusive.
There are obviously endless aspects of this which we could discuss, but why dwell on the inevitable. In time, quite soon possibly, you and I will reside in 4 by 4 foot boxes during the night, and spend our days wondering whether the next blow will come from a metallic or a hair covered fist. We will have brought this on ourselves, and, as such, will have no right to complain. By giving "scientists" their free reign, and trusting in their objectivity and common sense, we will have doomed ourselves to be the subjects of those whom we presently oppress. Until that time, if I am needed, I will be in my garage sniffing a combination of wet dog hair and engine oil… to accustom myself to the smell.