I don't do rollercoaster rides.

Not one bit of it. River rapids and log flumes and maybe the odd ghost train but that's about it. For fucks sake I became twitchy, nervous and very pale when we boarded the cable car at Alton Towers to take us to another location. Something that falls more under the category of 'public transport' than it does 'amusement park ride'. I was OK during the first 30ft or so, but once it goes over that valley with a drop that, to me, may as well be 7,000,000 miles my instincts kicked in: 'Holy fuck! If this thing breaks we are going to die. Do you understand? We will not survive a fall from this height.'

Strangely enough, no one around me seemed to appreciate the seriousness of the situation. Don't you see? Our entire lifeline was being held in the care of a fucking cable. Something that gets tied to trees on climbed up by kids on its day off.

So no, rollercoasters are bottom of my list of things to do before I die. Actually, I think I may have even scribbled it out violently.

What can I say? I'm a wuss. A big, sweaty, gooey wuss who enjoys level ground at a minimal heigh above sea level. And I'm OK with that. I've had people tease me in the past, some of it malicious, some of it good-humoured. All of it involving pointing and laughing. But one thing I don't understand is how riding on a rollercoaster all of a sudden becomes warranted of some sort of bravery award. I've read and heard people say things like "God, even my little brother went on the Uber Hitler Instant Death & Blood ride, and he's still a gestating foetus in mother's/sister's womb."

Why am I supposed to be impressed with that? Let's examine it shall we:

The ride is attached to a track. You're strapped in. You're buckled in. Attendants go around and make sure everyone is in safely and securely. The ride has an emergency stop button for - believe it or not - emergencies. And you're holding onto the handles tight until your fingertips turn red and your knuckles turn white and numb. Essentially; all the elements of danger that one associates with courage have been accounted for and given a health and safety overhaul.

What I'd like to see is a rollercoaster that completely removes all the above elements. I want to see something that looks not entirely dissimilar to the mine cart levels in Donkey Dong Country. With rockets attached. And no crash helmet. OK maybe a crash helmet. But it's filled with cat vomit.

Now who's chicken shit? The answer is still me of course.