Greetings desperate lovers,
I hope this blog finds you well.
A little birdie flew into my window this morning. Her eerie bird eyes watched me sleep well into the afternoon. When I awoke a message had been left on my bed. It was written in her violet droppings.
'Throw a party,' it read. 'Start planning this instant.'
And here we are.
I've thrown several social functions in my day; from keggers and cookouts to sock hops and S&M sessions, I've pretty much seen it all. Once I watched a dude eat a bong. No shit.
I find that one practice commonly overlooked by party planners is the process of DeThieving a home prior to an event.
DeThieving: (to DeThief)
The act of hiding valuables and other objects that may become desirable during the night through the eyes of trashed partygoers. (e.g. 'Dude, hide your bong. Carl might eat it again.')
'But Jason,' you contest. 'I don't invite larcenists into my home. The cunning art of DeThieving is unnecessary within my social circles.'
Don't be so sure. Even the most heralded individuals are subject to bouts of inebriated theft. DeThieving allows you - the party planner - to take away the source of the urge before it manifests.
Below are some common items I remove during the DeThieving process.
1. Q-Tips. It seems like the only time partygoers remember to clean their ears is when they're in my goddamn bathroom. In the past as many as 12 wax-drenched cotton tips may have been left in my wastebasket at the end of a night. But no more.
2. Toys and Collectibles. I learned this the hard way in '02. I saw the bastard eyeing my Michael Jordan Starting Lineup Action Figure. He'd been staring at it since the moment he stepped in. I leave for a split second... and he and MJ are both gone. Forever.
3. Porn. This is more of a suggestion that a personal practice as I've never owned a porn or even seen one. Still, smart money says any video or magazine left out in the open has a 50/50 shot of leaving inside of a guest's jacket. Put that
High Society where it belongs; between your box spring and mattress
4. Pets. Sure you know your dog is cute - that's why you bought the little guy. But beware. Your pet's cuteness is magnified tenfold through the eyes of the partygoer, and your chances of of pet thievery double every hour the party rages on. The same is true for babies.
5. Food. A good host always supplies marginal food for his or her guests. But sometimes the partyers finish the chips, dips and bite-sized snacks and still want more. My suggestions:
A) Chain and bolt the refrigerator.
B) Live next to a Taco Bell.
C) Maintain a filthy fridge to discourage others from eating the food inside.
I hope that helps when you plan your next party. Please enjoy yourselves this holiday season.
Festively,
Jason
JasonSereno.comAnd be sure to check out my favorite Holiday Musical Group, The Drunken Christmas Carolers. They long for friendship.
