11.01.09
Happy Halloween Everyone! I hope it was creepy and sinister.
How is it November already? Time is flying. I'm also fucked up because of this.
In any event, we performed this Friday night at our 3rd annual Hallow's Eve Ball. It was a successful event with lots of zombie people who even came from long distances to see us. In a way it felt like an ending for the year. And almost like the closing of a chapter. I don't know why. Even the mistakes felt right. Like they were supposed to be there. I can't explain it.
All my life plays out like this movie. This vision I've had of it in my head. I've had visions as a child of very specific things and lived them out exactly. I never second guessed myself on my musical direction. I never thought it as a hobby, it was always real. And often family and friends would see it only as a pipe dream. It was so obvious to me that I would be there (here) not because I was good enough, but because I somehow had the premonition. I know it would just be.
When I was young, I used to get nervous and anxious watching music videos for some reason. There was this way I knew I would be doing that soon. And it was like my skin would crawl a bit. Like something was itching at me to gather all the ideas up in my head and get them out to where they needed to be. Almost like something was controlling me and that it was just a matter of time. Sure I wanted it. But this wasn't a guess or dream. It was something different. Same thing with walking through record stores and seeing my records in them, or watching the music or video awards. Same erie feeling. The most vivid memory was of myself seated at the Junos (our Grammy's for non-Canadians), and going over the speech in my head. And the feeling I'd have being up there. When I was nominated in real-life, the seat I was in was the the exact one from my vision. Though, I didn't win. Which means I know I will be there again. That's the sign. Again, this is mainly because I've seen it somehow before. In my head. Or in the back of my mind where the fated premonitions live.
Its with these notions that I base a lot of the happenings of my life on. When something goes wrong, I feel like it's supposed to. I think to myself, 'maybe this is what happened right before this other thing happened.
My life also ends up playing out like it's not really there at all. Like any move I make doesn't really matter in the end. It's all just sensory experiences being programmed at any time. And since everyone has their own, and will eventually expire, and nothing will remain here forever, there's really no point to any experience besides the direct feeling it evokes at the time, and a few temporary memories (if it's worth remembering).
I often apply this factor to my performances. If a show goes badly, I could dwell on it for a long time. All those people staring at me, me singing out of tune or fucking up guitar parts. But to me, I just feel like a visitor to this place/planet and not like I'm part of it, so it kind of doesn't really matter what happens.
What matters is accomplishing goals that are personally fulfilling in my lifetime. And experiences that are positive. A bond and love of family, friends, and a lover. The simple pleasures in food, drink, a warm breeze on an autumn day, dancing, falling in love, or day dreaming. At the end of each day I'm thankful for these things. That I can experience them. And I feel conflicted that others can't. Or that anything can happen to change this at anytime.
I often wonder if most people take the simple things for granted. Are they just in a rush to work and back? Are they stressed out? Are they busy talking shit about someone they don't like? Or just complaining in general.
We each have rules which we live by. Things that comfort us, and ways to make sense of the world around us and our place in it. For me so much of these things just play out for themselves from every minute detail from some known place. Some movie I've watched in another life. An understanding of fate.
Or am I making these fated events as I go and these fated events themselves are fated to be portrayed as fated when in actuality they're not?
Well, then I'd just be fucked.
xo
~d.v