Hum.. I really need to sleep.. but like most nights.. i just can't.. for many reasons really.. I start thinking about everything.. and then.. just can't sleep.   I went to church tonight.. I really miss going.. It has been sooo long.. I think.. I might start going again.  but there is no way I'm going to up and change myself. I know how I am now, its not like before. I know who I can trust, and who I can't. and I'm not sorry for the things I have done, not one bit. i wanted to do them, and I am not ashamed. I held my principales, for the most part, and the things i let slip were not part of the big things. I am still a virgin, I have not started some expensive habbit.. except WoW:) ... so all in all I think i came out on the top. I'm happy with where I am, even if I post things about how I'm not... I am. If I were anywhere else I wouldn't be who I am. I know that. I know that without several people, I would be nothing... I would still be the shy, wierd girl that decided to do Eco-camp before she went to high school.. Its amazing how people change you, and how you change them... what scares me tho is how in an instant they can be taken away. In a second, that person you have known forever is gone, and you can't get them back,  there are no get out of death free cards...  But that doesn't give you a reason to shun things, to lock yourself away. I have been through death, My Grandmother Farmer in 4th grade, Shane in 8th grade, My great Uncle charles in 03,  and then Grandma D the week me and tiff turned 18...  the first two no one but God saw coming, the second two we knew about. I don't know I i would want to see death coming, or if i want to to be a suprise.. I couldn't really look at Grandma D when we knew she was going, it jsut made me sad, and it was soo hard to take the pic i posted, becasue i knew It would be the last.. that in its self is painfull.. but i'm glad i have it. I wish I had another one of Shane, but I will always remember the water ballons in the bathingsuit top.. and the make shift pool.. we were so creative, and yes, I still miss you, even tho it has been what.. 6 years.. I remeber the last time I saw you. you were sitting next to me in Mr. Pace's class.. I don't even remember what you said, but I remember your smile. 

I reflect now, because I jsut couldnt then.. and every time i hear about someone else dying in a car crash, I always turn to you.  The news about Jessie brought it back I guess... I knew him, and would see his car every other day, but never really knew him. But thats ok, it seems like he was having fun, and that is all the matters. I hate death, its so uncertain, you never know when it will strike.