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Current mood:  chipper
Since having recovered from the insanity that is my existence, I thought now would be a good time to share all that has taken place in the past few months in the realm of property management.
The latter part of summer down at the properties..aka hell... turned into be complete craziness. I was sitting on the porch of a tenant on mine who has lived down there for near on 12 years, having an iced tea, chatting about this and that. All of the sudden this very, large, huge, enormous man comes riding up the street on a moped. The back end of that thing was squished so far down, that I would say it was maybe an inch off the pavement and that's being nice. This triggered a song in my head, that try as I might, I couldn't help myself, "Fat man on a little bike." Not to be confused with Chris Farley's "Fat Man in a Little Coat". Now everyone down there knows this rotund individual. I do too. So as he went past, we waved. All of the sudden we hear this loud BAM! SKID! and a voice yelling HOLY SHIT! So we jumped up from the porch and ran down the street. Apparently the fire hidrant jumped out and attacked the moped. You have to watch those fucking things....tricky buggers. It was a hell of a fight...however, the moped lost. The moped was in pieces all over the pavement and the dude was 20 feet down the street lying on his face struggling to pull himself up. As I approached the scene, I gasped, covered my mouth and exclaimed, "Oh my god!" Well one of the other property managers, who actually lives down on the street, was sitting on his porch and saw the whole thing happen, had gotten to the drama first. After my, "Oh my god!" he says, " Damn man, are you alright?" The guy says yes he is okay so the other property manager replies, " I have never seen a fat mother fucker fly that far." Of course that took the emotional sting out of the whole situation and I burst out laughing. So we helped him up and over to the porch that I was visiting to get him cleaned up. The poor man had scrapes and blood everywhere. Well one of my tenants feels as though she needs to play combat nurse and clean the wounds for him. In she goes to her apartment and emerges with witch hazel (not to be confused with the witch from the Bugs Bunny cartoons). She pours it on his scrapes and he screams the most horrid scream I have ever heard. She informs him that, "Oh suck it up! When it burns like that ya know its a workin." That's when I took my que to leave and thanked my tenant for the iced tea, made sure the man was ok and left.
I must say that now that the weather has gotten significantly colder, people tend to stay indoors, which means the crack dealing that had taken place outside has moved in the house. So whereas the amount of "outdoor entertainment" has decreased, the amount of domestics has increased LOL. As well as the amount of homeless people I find in my vacant units.
Discovering a homeless person in a vacant unit usually isn't a big deal. I tell them to leave and that they cannot stay there anymore and they move on with no worries or flack. Now on and off for about 3 weeks I have been finding that someone must be staying in this unit because the door is open (they must have a key because I dead bolt lock it) and the light is on in the back bedroom. So one day I decided to go and check on this particular unit. I go back there and low and behold the damn door is unlocked. I barge in there cursing out loud, "Dammit! WTF? Every time I go back there some SOB has been in here blah blah blah!" I walk back to the bedroom to turn the light off and as soon as I stick my arm in the room someone jumps out from behind the door, hits my arm, and runs out of there like a bat out of hell. I scream like a big titted bimbo in a Jason movie, my heart is pounding in my chest and now I feel the need to check my pants. I immediately run out and call the police....they never show up. Don't get me started on that one, that's a whole other novel in itself. After waiting for an hour and a half I decided to lock it up and leave.
The next week, my dear friends from Australia came in to visit for Thanksgiving. One is security at the Aussie Embassy in DC and his spouse works in Aussie intelligence at DC. Now I know you are thinking to yourself, " How in the hell do you know these people?" Well they are friends Darren played indoor cricket with in Canberra. I was telling stories to Mr. Security about what I do down at the properties and I told him what has been going on there recently. I expressed concerns about going down there to check out that vacant unit because of what happened the last time I was down there. Now I am not an easily intimidated individual, but that scared the absolute piss out of me. Well Mr. Security informs me that he is going with me and takes his Glock, his diplomatic credentials and off we go. Diplomatic credentials were an absolute must. He figured if he had to shoot anyone, that get out of jail free card would be paramount. Anyway, we pull up and sure enough the damn door is unlocked. He goes in, gun drawn, creepin around, doing all that tactical shit and didn't find anyone in there. I can't believe that the situation has deteriorated to the point of Jess has to take a body guard and arm herself now. As the Marines say, "Improvise, adapt, and overcome."
Yesterday I was down at the properties trying to collect rent. I would have better luck assisting the federal government in finding Osama Bin Laden. One of the other property managers and I were standing out on the street talking. A cat takes off across the street just as a car is heading down the hill. I immediately turned my head praying that the poor thing makes it across ok. The car screeches to a halt. I open my eyes and ask the property manager if the cat made it. Well thank god it did. One of my tenants that really and truly needs to be smacked, and I mean that in a good Christian way LOL (no I am not one that believes in organized religion...wherever I am going, you are riding shotgun), opens her intelligent mouth and says, " I really wish the car had hit that fuckin cat!" Well that sends the property manager in frenzy because its her cat. She screams, " You need to watch your fuckin mouth!" Well my tenants husband, who is also an idiot, gets into it. He screams and I mean screams, "Well keep your fuckin cats from shittin on my porch!" The property manager shoots back, "How the hell do you know those are my fuckin cats shittin on your porch?" He says that he will get the shit tested to make sure that are her cats. So after listening to about as much of this intelligent display I can take I say, " Do you people hear yourselves? This is over cats. Get a damn grip. There are other things in the world more devestating then cat shit." So my tenant's husband continues to yell. I tell him to walk away. Well he keeps on. So I inform him in a more direct method, " This is your last chance. Walk away and get your ass up those stairs of I am calling the police and you lot are out. Merry fucking Christmas." So he turns around and leaves.
I continue to collect more rent and 15 minutes has passed since the "Cat Shit" incident. I walk out of one of the apartments and I see two of my other tenants across the street in each others faces screaming about parking spaces. You know, they are almost in a knock down, drag out, tag team wrestling match over parking spaces. I walk over there and yell, "WTF is going on here!?" Of course I get well he did this and he did that bullshit. During all of this I am thinking, "Is this the day of mediocre and foolish events??" Well my bullshit meter has gone red line by this point. I can't take too much more of this. So I advise these two upstanding citizens that I will also make there Christmas real fucking merry as well if they don't stop with the horseshit, get a job, get a real life, or a hobby. I think they could tell it wasn't a good time LOL! The argument immediately came to a grinding halt. And in the words of the immortal Monty Python, " And there was peace throughout the land. YAY!"
 | Currently listening:
Camino Palmero
By The Calling
Release date: 2001-07-10 |
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12:04 PM
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