look, here's the deal: you have no idea who i am. i will solve that problem.

i am a friend of seve.

in ukraine

so:

some song ideas, perhaps, since you asked and seve encouraged:

this girl you see every day has on really cool, patterned pantyhose which intimidates you; you are in the store looking for your favorite candy bar but it's gone and this becomes a metaphor for your current relationship status in life; you're on your way to a court date to clear up a couple of traffic tickets and you're running a little bit late and right on the steps you see a girl with really pretty eyes, which makes you late because you trip on the stairs and you get your suit dirty and have to go to the bathroom to try and clean it up and then when you get to the door, they've already passed you on the docket so now you're stuck with your traffic violations on your record; you're the kid in the high school orchestra that plays violin but you suck really bad and you know it; as you look out your window from your 37th story apartment, you see someone in the next building over jump off their balcony but then they fly away;

okay, my well of creativity has hit a dry spell

love,

ray

Heres a song idea. Enjoy

Meteo X, a man whom God has cast out of hell into the Earth, a man who balanced both life and death atop his genitals, a man who knows everything and nothing forever, a man who can build a toilet out of excrement, has been released ONCE AGAIN into polite society (despite protests from all forms of life on the planet Earth), and is gearing up to start a new adventure!

Today he is going to accomplish something no mentally capable human being would do (thus making him the perfect man for the job.) He intends to ride the rare blue whale!

The blue whale, spotted several months ago by scientists, is the Marlon Brando of the ocean world; It is elusive, weighs 34 tons and has sex with anything in its immediate vicinity. This beast has never been tamed by God or man. In the olden days of yore, the Blue Whale could ingest a full supply ship on its way to Rome, it could create giant vacuums or hurricanes with its flow of breath, and when it came up to breathe, its lust for life was so great that it would jump hundreds of yards into the air, and create tidal waves that could end an entire civilization. The Blue Whale symbolizes all the majesty and horror of the natural world, it is the greatest evolution of existence on the planet, the mightiest beast in all of God's creation.

This is going to be a challenge, but Meteo is an idiot. He is too ignorant to understand fear or common sense, and thus, those obstacles will have no effect on him in his pursuit. He takes his fastest boat: a downed helicopter with an oil leak through the windshield, and scours the seas to find this beast. Finally, after wasting days of tax-payer's money, he spots the mighty whale. He tosses a hook into the cavernous blowhole and SUCCESS! He climbs up the beast and, surprisingly, the beast appears to be game for a ride! Meteo gracefully removed the hook and proceeded to ride like the wind!

Meteo and his new friend rode for hours and into days. This grand adventure is just what Meteo needed to quit his obsession with Jodie Foster. Ah, Meteo has never felt so free, so happy, so juvelant. Never once in the histoy of man has the union of beast and blubber been so perfect, the bond between them ideal. They shared stories of action, adventure, sexual misconduct and minorities. They traded recipes and nodes of immediate wisdom/ They both opened up to one another about their joys and fears, as though they were both doctors, knowing full well they were just patients. Both shared a mutual respect for the guru Peter Gabriel and love for the Christ Jesus. Immaculate. Some would say such a relationship could never happen in this modern, go-go world of industry, entertainment, and hysterical pregnancy; but they are the sort of people that touch themselves at night, publicly, and in full view of the Chief of Command. No, these wild mammals were the perfect match for each other, soul mates, Moir te deis (which is poor French for a pregnant Nun) and thus: Buddies.

But after a week of bonding and illegal medical practitioning; The beast stops, throwing Meteo off into the deep blue like Meteo thrown off a blue whale into the deep blue like Meteo thrown off a blue whale into the deep blue. He hits head first with a Viewtiful splash into the arctic sea of ice, and while getting only mildly damp, He curses the beast with words not suited for this world. After quickly apologizing, he decides to find out why the beast has stopped so abruptly. He sinks down, under the whale and, to his disgust, discovers the problem. The whale is engaging in sexual activity........with a chainsaw (apparently the beast is female).

The very idea sends shivers down an already frozen spine, suppose this item carried with it some sort of genetic code meant to spawn repercussions of itself inside the doomed womb of the innocent? Imagine.... a cross breed of Chainsaw whales..... destroying the aquatic atmosphere without perjudice, making the Swordfish look like an impotent bitch, Destroying harbors with the simple flick of the dick. Good God. The Blue Whale was a dangerous fellow already, but this would be like arming Michael Myers (either one) with an Atomic Bomb. Sweet Judas, this must stop immediately! Meteo takes it upon himself to remove the device and save mankind from another potential disaster featuring a dumb animal mating with a power tool. Success! The foul instrument was removed safely and securely. Meteo surfaces to continue the ride.......

Until he catches in his sight, 300 Coast Guard agents surrounding him for arrest. Surfacing with chainsaw in hand leaves little to their imagination as to what he could be guilty of, and well......no bible verse he could throw at them could stop them from hauling his ass to jail (though he found Micah 2:4 to be somewhat successful).

After being beaten and read his only right (the right to refrain from forced sexual activity OUTside of prison walls). He was hauled off to jail, and then on to District Court. Meteo's fate was in jeopardy, not for the first time, but almost definately for the last. But Meteo was not going to give in to bizzare circumstantial occurences, he was going to fight the system tooth and nail, like a 10 foot long Bruce Lee, until the system got down on its knees and........No, you damn pervert, BEGGED FOR FORGIVENESS!

Armed with a stunning, sharp blue suit that was passed down to every man in the family starting with the Patriarch (Abraham, who also fathered many nations), a cunning sadistic attitude (again, Abraham), and the kind of animal magnetism that make men infertile and women explode into pregnancy (that came from his mother). He was ready to take on his next greatest challenge:

The District Judge Marshall Anus.

A being of unfathomable girth and evil, Anus would have had the power to condemn the devil himself, if he didn't use the devil as a sex tool. He was a fearsome demon, a godless blob of rotting flesh that made Jabba the Hut look like Paris Hilton. No man, woman or God has ever crossed Marshall Anus and lived to tell about it. He does not kill his victims, perferring to let them live wishing they could die. He sends people to the darkest depths of their souls the way most men expel a bodily fluid. Ordinary criminals, when confronted with the task of judicial appraisal with this megalithic crone, often take their own lives, knowing the alternative is much worse. He has butchered, slaughtered, and processed criminals of royal and commoner blood into food for the denizens for thousands of years. And now, the legendary Meteo X was next.

But Meteo is no ordinary man, he is, as said before, an idiot, and unable to be restricted by fear, apprehension, or any kind of cumbersome Thought producing mentality. Meteo has conflicted with incredible evil before, and always came out on top. From the Pygmy Yetis to the Electrophile Pigeons, from the posessed Hitler cow to the bowel hungry Rasputin worm, no evil has been too great for Meteo to overcome. This was going to be a clash of the Titans, and who would win? Playboy Protagonist or Antichrist Antagonist?

The two combatants were ready to square off.

As The trial to end all trials begins, Meteo waits patiently in the tiny little defendant box. Millions were watching from the stands, and millions more watched from the television. The press was releasing up to minute news for the controversy-hungry public. Meteo stodd tall, defiant and confident, but still felt the sting of fear and sexual repression. Finally, a cloud of black smoke filled the air, and the foulest smell to ever pervade the senses overwhelmed the audience. Marshall Anus was here, and he was ready to begin:

"Meteo X!" The judge shouted with all his might. "Today is the last day of your miserable life. Today, people of the earth sleep soundly, knowing that the disease that plagues and destroys society will be brought to justice. You are a profane individual, Meteo, a filthy heathen of gastronomical proportions. Your contributions to the suffering and eventual demise of humanity will not be tolerated any further. Have you anything to say in your defense?"

"Strange though it may sound, you bastard son of a goat, but you said every word, in perfect sequence of what it was I was going to say. As far as my defense is concerned..." Meteo then turned around, pulled down his pants, and mooned the judge while whistling "God Bless America" through his rectum. The Judge was furious, and the audience astounded at the incredible display of defiance. The Judge quickly tried to regain himself and continue the trial.

"WHERE IS YOUR DEFENSE ATTORNEY?" Screamed the judge Anus, as though he were preaching to deaf sinners. Meteo responded without fear: "I will represent my own defense." The judge erupted in laughter, and the scared flock of sheep that represented an audience followed suit. "They say a man who represents himself has a fool for a client!" Meteo spat in the judge's general direction, hitting the cute lady who does the typing (and thus impregnating her).

The Judge grimaced and shouted with all his might: "WHERE IS THE PROSECUTOR!?"

"M'lud....." Started Meteo, raising an eyebrow to the aging fart. "I shall also act as my own prosecutor!"

The courtroom had exploded into activity upon those words. Women fainted and went right into labor as flames burst from their placentas. The Judge himself looked like he was about to have a baby right there on the courtroom floor. "Are you SERIOUS?" the words creeped out of the judge's lips. Meteo nodded. "Read me my charges, Impotent Pedophile!"

While the audienced moaned and winced collectively in pain, the judge smiled, farted gasoline, and prepared to do exactly that.

"VERY WELL! Let it be known, Meteo Xavier, that you are charged with the following heinous acts: Illegal activity involving Endangered Animals, use of an illegal and dangerous device, blatant disregard for safety; your safety and the safety of the whale. Obstruction of justice. Satire of Justice. Harrasment of Justice. Harrasment towards inanimate objects. Petty larceny. Petty homicide. Pretty homicide. Ugly Homicide. Impersonating a police officer. Impersonating a prostitute and THEN Impersonating the two involved in public sexual activity with a Senior Official. Impersonating inanimate objects. Petty prostitution. Pretty Prostitution. Ugly Prostitution. Assaulting a police officer......"

Meteo interrupted: "You're honor, if you can even be called that, the police officer I assaulted was in fact me as I was impersonating a police officer."

The courtroom groaned in unison and the judge continued on, secretly hoping God would interfere and strike Meteo down.

"Assaulting a district prostitute. Driving a commercial airplane without a license, Assaulting a Commercial Airplane with a district prostitute, posession of underage firearms, possession of mind-altering firearms, abusing your right to incriminate yourself, illegal U-turns on the roof of Buckinham Palace, $34,509 in traffic violations, wreckless jogging, You don't own a single valid I.D. or proof of American Citizenship AND we found what you keep in your sock drawer...."

He removed his glasses and spit a black substance from his mouth, "How you kept from spontaneously exploding by the heat of your sins, is a question mankind will never answer."

"Well we don't know why a fat bastard like you won't just give up and die, so lets keep it at that."

And so the trial went on, Meteo defending and prosecuting himself for weeks and weeks on end while spectators wept in sorrow. He produced and refuted evidential item after evidential item, including those that would have solved other cases, which he then destroyed inside the crotch of his pants. He acted as his own witness to which he then badgered said witness or forced him to cry. The jury was so confused they didn't know what to think, and many left sighting uncontrollable bowel movements and sexual death resulting directly from Meteo X. The Judge was livid as hell, and tried every vile thing known to God to annihilate every atom of Meteo X, but to no avail. Finally, as things looked grim for Meteo, He was able to bring up the 1984 Killer Whale Preservation Act, which threw the courtroom into into a mad circus of stupor fury.

"ENOUGH OF THIS!" screamed the judge as fountains of human waste poured from his mouth. "What is the MEANING of this!? What do you hope to accomplish with this unending wormhole of absurdity!?"

"I am going to prove myself innocent, you whore!"

Meteo's brash attitude had sent the Judge over the edge.

"WHO ARE YOU TO BE SO BOLD!?" Screamed a frantic district judge.

"I'M Meteo X!" Meteo shouted back. "I wear bold like a CONDOM!"

That was it. That was the final straw. The earth cracked open and released that which is unspeakable. The Judge's head turned black and started screaming and screaming, until his head levitated off his neck and began spinning wildly with the sonic disturbance of his voice eradicating solid material objects and people. The lights illuminating the structure began flickering wildly and forming vague silhouettes of spirits and damned souls on the ceiling. Rivers of blood were pouring from the walls of the courtroom, the desperate audience sacrificed themselves to God in hopes of escaping the cataclysmic horror. Panic-stricken citizens filled the streets, engaging in mass love-making and running for their lives as chaos reigned high. Whole cities disintegrated in mere seconds. It was the end of civilization as we knew it.

At the brief pause in time before the events above and the events below, Meteo was able to rekindle his youth. He remembers wondering how he was going to die, always hoping it would be while saving the world from evil, or something heroic.... Just as his father and his father before him.... It was Meteo's dream to fall in line to the Paladinic lineage that his family always lived by. He was never going to die as long as there was evil in the world, that was his dream. But Meteo had to face the music now. His Paladinic lineage was about to be cut short thanks to an Anus. It was a sad way to go.... Meteo could do nothing but his best, and pray to God for forgiveness. Meteo was a man, and he had to face death like one.

"Meteo X!" Said the judge, fuming with rage. "I am ready to pass judgment! In the thousands of years I have put stained individuals like yourself away, never have I seen anything like you. You have plagued, ridiculed and sexually molested the things that build a good, proper society for MUCH MUCH TOO LONG! You are the decay of mankind, Meteo. A senseless dung beetle that wallows in filth while destroying the backbone of the things holding Humanity together: Ethics, Morals, Common sense. Nothing is safe from your corruption and now you will be PUNISHED!!!! Hell is not good enough for you, but its all we can hope for! You are looking into a saaaaad future, you little bastard!"

Meteo hung his head in defeat, waiting for the sentence.

"For the good of people everywhere, for need to heal society, for the command of God to rid the evil of this world. Meteo Xavier, I hearby sentence you to....."

And just then, the walls of the courtroom burst down, and the few remaining survivors watched in horrific disbelief as the blue whale in question broke through the courtroom walls. Despite being thousands of miles from a body of water that can sustain the largest animal on earth, he was enraged at the sight of his friend being tortured by the system. The beast bellowed and heaved, commanding the forces of law to let go of their prisoner. Meteo, in a moment of haze, escaped and ran to the only man he knew could help him.......his uncle.......... The President of the United States of America

"STOP HIM!" Screamed the Judge, but then the beast rushed the judge.....and swallowed him whole. The Beast begat The Beast.... and there was nothing more.

2 days later, Meteo was still on the lam. He stole a gun from a 12yr. old girl and arrived at the gates of the White House.

"Excuse me sir, can I help you?" said a Security Guard standing his post. Meteo answered, explained everything in Immaculate Detail. The officer began pistol whipping Meteo viciously, whereas Meteo's own gun fell out of his hair. Again he insisted on seeing the president, and again he was stopped.

Inside the Oval Office, President George W., a man much like Meteo Himself, was too busy mulling over the most difficult enigma of his presidential career to take notice of the events outside. His enigma was fierce on the medulla, and finally he broke down in confusion:

"Is it Tuna, or is it Chicken?" He stared deep into the Chicken of Sea can, prodding its mysterious depths, looking for answers. Suddenly, the magic box that transports vocal messages from his secretary to his desk popped up again.

"Uh-hmm. Yes?"

"Sir, there is a madman with a gun that says he needs to talk to you."

"Alright, send him in."

And burst through the doors like a baby through a mother's womb. George Dubya welcomed him. "Hey, Jeff!" he said. "Gosh you're getting so big, when was the last time I saw you?"

"Last sunday! You got drunk, ran for president again, slept face down in the trash can and woke up with a lamp shade on your head!"

"Oh, so thats where it came from. Well now I have to find the lamp to put it on......." Meteo informed his beloved kin that he was sitting on it, its electrical charge running right into his buttocks. "Hmm......well now I don't know what to do, anyway, what can I do for you?"

Meteo explained the whole ordeal, and in a terrible ending twist (I'm quite tired.) his uncle made some calls and got everything straightened out. "Thanks Uncle!" Meteo said, proving that George Dubya is the best president we ever had. Amen.

THE END is near.....