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i wish i still had dreams. i mean, i do, i just wish they didn't seem as realistic, as if it is something that could really happen, with the exception of some M.C. Escher staircases.
Sirens and talking birds, stars burrowing beneath my skin making a crazy constellation of freckles.
i think i want to get bees tattooed above one of my knees. He always says that i'm the bee's knees, and it makes me laugh. Someone who thinks i'm the bee's knees.
And then i ask him, "Do bees even have knees?"
"I bet they do!" He replies.
"I bet they have six on each leg, but you need a microscope to see them because they're so small."
So, i can look down when i don't feel so amazing and see my bee knee. Then i'll smile because at least someone thinks i'm awesome, even if they've never met me.
i also think i want a constellation tattooed on the back of my neck. Or a flock of tiny birds on my shoulder. Or a flock of tiny birds in the shape of a constellation on the back of my neck.
i want to burn my skin this summer, even though i normally wear sunblock like it is going to save my life. i just like freckles, i miss them on my face like when i was little and my hair was actually red instead of brown like it is now.
There is a picture i have of me eating ice cream from when i was little, and my hair was copper. i don't remember eating that ice cream.
i don't remember going to Disney Land, either.
Once i had a dream that there was a house up in a tree, and i was small and scared. This man i knew held onto me, but like i was made of blown glass peices. He let me press my head against his chest, but i couldn't hear his heartbeat.
It's one of the most beautiful things ever. A heartbeat.
He didn't say anything to me though.
Another time, i was in this bookstore, and the same man was sitting outside, but this time, he was broken. When i looked at him, he left as quickly as possible. i didn't try to follow him, though.
Once i heard him singing somewhere, and when i found him, he looked hideous. His feet were huge and he stomped on all of the flowerbeds. Then i fell through the floorboards of an old house and hurt myself on a rusty nail.
Sometimes i have dreams where my teeth are falling out of my skull.
When i was little, i had reocurring nightmares about tornados and trains derailing and aliens. In most of the train dreams, they would chase me. In the last one i remember ever having, the train was just a jumble of metal. i remember that everything was on fire, and there were heads and bodies all over the place.
Then they all just kind of stopped or were horrible. Like eating your own family, vomiting uncontrolably, being chased by wolves, or people you once loved, or even thought you loved, hunting you down.
4:26 AM
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