Well it was nice while it lasted. Depression is back. Don't feel like I am worth much at the moment. Pissed off coz I can't hide it like I used to. Celebrated my 14th wedding anniversary the other day, it was really nice and I enjoyed it. My lovely wife was out last night with work, then she is away with work on Sunday till late Tuesday, I know she doesn't really enjoy this (although she quite rightly tries to have fun while she is there, I don't expect her to sit in her hotel room all night). I really struggle with myself when she is away, I idolise her, she is perfect in my eyes, every other woman I meet or see is compared to her and always comes up short. As I feel this I expect everyone else to feel like this towards her and lets face it, there are lots of blokes out there who aren't fat,balding neurotic messes, with bigger dicks, nicer personalities and more to offer than me, it's only a matter of time before they meet right?

See I know that Nicola loves me, I know that she wouldn't do any of the above, I know this, but try telling the little fella on my shoulder/ in my head that coz he doesn't listen. I had some ammo to fire at him the other day, she has been married to me for 14 bloody years, surely if she was going to run off with someone else she would have done it already? Plus we have two fantastic kids, why would she put us all through hell and split up?

Then I wonder if all this self doubt is pushing her away, that thats why she would leave. Stupid isn't it?

I am nowhere near as bad as I was, it is not lasting as long as it used to but it is still annoying. I hide it a lot, form others and from myself. I'm not going to stop doing this because I think it helps me. It was only 3 years ago or so that I had my darkest moment, I had been suffering for like 14/15 years, I suppose when you have dug yourself a hole for that long it is going to take a while to climb back out!

As for the going away thing, I miss her when she is away, but my deepest darkest moment, the time when I hit the bottom and hit it hard was when she was away with work. Basically I am scared. I don't think I will ever be that bad again, I know how to spot things now, but it was a cold dark horrible place to be and just being reminded of it whenever she is away freaks me out. No one to hug when the kids have gone to bed and I am sat on my own. It hurts, it scares me.

I am sure all of this will pass and I was getting better at this. I am tired, I hate feeling like this, I find it harder to deal with less now, my resistance to it all is shot to shit.

Bugger init?