As I considered the words that had
just been spoken to me, I began to cry. I felt a strange soul hurt well
up from my stomach into my chest and then to my throat. Particularly
where my heart lies, there was an ache.
I am still crying here and there. And I'm not going to try and hide
it, and I'm not going to think I'm weak because of it, and I'm not
going to let that voice win. The voice that is old, the voice from a
past that used to speak to me. The one that spoke to me in the flesh at
a fold out table in a kitchen in Texas last night.
I sat across the table from her, as a guest in her home, as she
spoke to me of the immature mistakes I have made and am making, how I
wasted money on my career, my immorality, and my need to wipe the old
makeup off my eyes. "Do you need eye makeup remover?" she barely moved
her lips as she spoke to me. "Does it bother you I am wearing last
night's makeup still? I will take it off before I go to bed..." I
reply. I really didn't know what to say. I find when I'm faced with
people that have this bitter bite in them, they often are extremely
adept, though otherwise idiotic, at invading you, getting you to answer
things you would never answer, making you doubt yourself and your
actions...rethink your statements, and feel foolish. A survival
mechanism? I have no clue.
I did notice one thing: Her biting sarcasm was always predicated by
a genuine caring remark, or a con to get you to think she was
interested in sharing with you about her life. Watch out for these
people, they wrap their fists in silk before they hit. When they hit,
you don't see it coming, and it's a way for them to humiliate along
with the hurt. It's also a way for them to get you to doubt your gut
instinct if given long enough an opportunity.
I will not go into any more detail about the ways I allowed her to
steal my dignity for a short period of time. I thank her for the
lesson, for the warning, as I'm sure I'll meet many more like her.
Dream killers. They're all over. And they prey on the hope-filled. They
prey on the ones who have a tender spot for humanity, who want to look
for the good in people, because if they can get these people to doubt,
then they are justified in their genuine distrust and dislike of
themselves and others. Sad but true.
I have no empathy for these people. I have no empathy for anyone who
hasn't taken a look at what's inside them, what's holding them down,
especially when it's their own hand.
In my life, I've had to
face a lot of darkness, and I'm grateful for it. From that darkness, I
have reached a place where I am free to hope, dream, risk, love. I will
not ever, and I say this to you with assured confidence from just below
the belly area, I will NEVER allow these types near me or my career.
It's dangerous not only to me personally, but to the people who love
this band and the people who are just like me, or who have or are
struggling with the same things I have: the people who most need me to
succeed.
I love what I do, I love you guys who keep cheering me on, and I'm
thankful that I'm tough enough to know how to handle situations like
last night. And I'm so grateful for the ones who pick me up when I'm
falling, cause sometimes, we believe the lie. It's gonna be a great
show tonight!