While I feel really alone right now it's been a great night to spend some time this evening understanding love, trust, respect & how to silence the voices of doubt that ruled me for so long. Scary how they can grab hold & control you, to make you so unable to be yourself. Unable to trust in your heart or the heart of those you love most. I keep thinking why? why did this have to happen. I see it now, due to many things it had to happen. Is it the end? Only time will tell.

Now I understand, now I know. Now I'm healing me. I love you Zoe, Zandr & Mikey. If I get the chance I'll never hurt you or take you for granted again. But only time will tell if that chance is mine. I see the pain I caused, I feel the pain I made others suffer. I can taste every tear ever shed due to my flaws. That understanding, that coming to terms with my actions is a sweet sweet sorrow that only I can bear.

Maybe you only get one real shot at true love. If so and I blew it....at least I got some time to spend in my dreams, to experience my the harmony and peace I craved, to experience everything I ever wanted. For awhile I lived my dreams. If it is truly gone for good, I can experience those moments, savor each sweet memory of what used to be every night in my dreams.