The other day I somehow found myself at a web site called www.peotry.com ( yes, I know that's the wrong way to spell it). Apparently, the literary giants who own and operate Peotry.com are looking for the finest peotry to publish. Just for the hell of it, and fully knowing there was some kind of scam involved, I dashed them off a quick poem (or peom), and submitted it electronically to their "contest" under the pen-name "Shirley Zapinas". Here is a copy of the peom I submitted:
Taco pants sat on a dog yesterday...
Every now and then I am the moon
solemn and obscure behind a potted plant
with those few brave souls who can swoon
without ever leaning over at a slant
So I must cop a baggy by hook or crook,
send bolts of lightning with a glance;
or else shut up and read a book
written by some fat man wearing short pants
Perhaps I will stop speaking and scream,
perhaps walk to the edge of the sea of greed,
where prospective poets submit pretentious verses and dream
of being published in a book that none shall read.
And if perchance these verses shall be chose,
if having words published be my luck,
then shall I, having removed all of my clothes,
cry out loudly that I could give a flying fuck.
Yet if the price of the book thus written be righteous,
and cost me not my final lonesome dime,
then several dozen copies shall I purchase,
to set upon my shelf to make me laugh from time to time.
Shirley Zapinas
Imagine my surprise when the Peotry.com editorial staff contacted me via email one day later to tell me that "Taco Pants Sat On A Dog" had won their prestigious Editor's Award, and would be featured in an upcoming book!
"Dear Shirley" one email said, "Your unique style and message impressed our editors, and we have selected your work to be published immediately…. We are sure you will want to reserve at least a dozen copies of the upcoming book at the reduced rate of $39.95 each – they make excellent gifts." (NOTE to everyone on Christmas list: you know.) Some investigating turned up the fact that each book they print has about 600 "peoms" in it. That translates to about $300,000 in sales for a press run of 7,000 copies. I could print those books myself at Gator Press for about $1 each. The reason it costs so much is because each peot is being thoroughly scrutinized. They've already scrutinized me.
But my peotic career is only getting started. I have also been invited to the prestigious International Poetry Writers convention, a 5 day/2 night event in Glen Falls, NY. All expenses are included (except air fare, meals, and lodging) in the $600 per person (double occupancy) fee. So, for $1,200 I can be there, hobnobbing with all of the top peots from the US, Canada, and other major cities.
Too bad I used the Shirley Zapinas moniker. If only I had used my real name... Now, I can't go – although the editors assure me that the other peots are looking forward to meeting me (actually Shirley) for networking and socializing.
In the meanwhile, I'm going to have to buy at least a dozen books to "help cover publishing expenses" or else Taco Pants is going to dismount his dog and sit on the sidelines.
I never knew becoming a famous poet was going to be so expensive, but I sure do appreciate being "discovered" after all of these years.