Dear Fellow Rock Jedi's and Grovelling Fans (eh, ok, fan! Hi Stuart.)

Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law

After months of auditioning I am pleased to announce that we have a new line up for Spiral Force.

I would first like to thank the many applicants for the posts and offer my deepest condolences to the inevitably vast number of failed contenders.

First off, a big thanks but no thanks to Jimmy Page... he really thought he could step into Big Steve's shoes... but just didn't cut the mustard... he was also much too polite for the type of rough edge, street roots, punky type thing that we want to progress to...and no Jimmy, even your bribe of giving us Boliskine House as a jam pad could not buy our souls... we prefer to practise in Ulster so we can draw on the primordial martial energy of the land... hence our soon to be written new masterpiece that subtley blends the Sash and the Soldier Song... with a surpising Danny Boy twist in the bridge... ok, no more new juice shall be split here before the launch (eh, except to any of our usual Rock, Groupie Whores... hey, Sean, darling!)

... oh and Jimmy, it was the right thing in the end to get Jason to drum that gig... Dee knew that Bonzo would want it that way, but thanks for the offer, maybe another time mate, when the Force is not so busy writing... and eh, looking for a line-up...

We do however really appreciate Steve Harris making it over for a jam to the Temple of Rock... it was a pleasure to rock with you dude and we all admired the humility with which you knew we were never going to give you the job... Deborah was at least pretty mate... but no, eh... just stick to the spandex... you really did not suit those stockings and suspenders... but it was a good effort at filling Deborah's pants...eh, I mean shoes...

Before announcing the final winners of Spiral Idol: The Guitar and Bass... we would like to give out a few boooo's to some of the sheer foul play that went on during the running... I thought it was really mean of U2 to say they would sacrifice Bono to Satan if JP would replace him in the band... I like Satan and would never do such a thing to him!

It also seemed pretty low of the Download Charts to try and *bump* 'Hey Girl!' up to number 1... just when the Cheeky Girls re-released 'Touch my Bum'... we were never going to compete with genius of that level... bastards... but the whole sales pitch of hailing us as 'probably the best unheard band in the world' is something we intend running with... people never getting to hear us is all part of our mystique...

So, drum roll... from the best all over the world... from Lisburn to Hong Kong... after months of hopeful try outs... after endless tears, neh, laughter.... we can announce....

On bass guitar... replacing the beautiful Deborah... it is....

MURZO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, you all know him!

Murzo, aka Connor: first really came to international acclaim with his one man Turnip Dance Show... following the box office smash of the film version (available via youtube and all good charity shops) 'The Turnip Shaman'.. he decided to blend the art of primal dance with his first love... stamp collecting... but following a fateful and rather bizarre posting accident, he decided to play bass with Spiral Force instead... Ladies, Gentlemen.... give it up for the one, the only Connor Murzo the bass playing, turnip dancing champion of the world! (Sponsored by the Vegetable Rights Assocation).

Now... the one you have all been waiting for... it's no surprise... the only person in Belfast who is possibly taller than Steve McCann... it's the Armadillo affectonario... the King of Limerick verse... and the fairies... the tongue twisting genius... the guitar wielding psychopath.. the Bringer of the Beast...

Itsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss..............

BIG CHRIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, ladies, we know you love him... please.... stand back.... eh, no-more under-wear on the stage... please, this is prime-time viewing... madam... put those away....

We are sorry to interupt this transmission... further updates from Spiral Force cannot be found on their website... as they don't have one at the minute....

We once again apologise to our viewers for the unscheduled end of this programme... we now bring you a repeat of highlights from last years Songs of Praise