It's been a little over four months now.  I've been attempting to regain my bearings for four god damned months.  I just.. cannot shake it.  I go to work knowing she isn't going to come visit me, and it's hard.  I go home, and I sleep.  If I'm not sleeping I'm either staring rather blankly into space or trying to distract myself.  I do my best to act as though nothing's changed but.. I have felt different in an unpleasant way ever since. 

Just this weird hollow feeling, which is actually preferable to the moments when my playlist decides to play that one god damned song that reminds me of the last time I spoke with her, on the phone.  Because whenever that happens, I just.. cry.

I hate that I cannot seem to be able to pick myself back up fully.  Lord, I've been trying.  I just... can't.  I feel detatched, but not enough to where this doesn't hurt so fucking much anymore.  She's been gone for four fucking months and I still can't get my head screwed back on properly.

I just... don't feel right lately.  I'm so sorry to anyone I've been spacing out on. I am just not in a good place.  I haven't been for a while, now.  No amount of trying on my part seems to be working enough.  It feels like a weakness on my part and I'm almost sickened at my inability to properly cope.

Fucking hell.