I occasionally wonder how my life became so hectic. Virtually everyone I know wonders the same thing these days. When I was a kid, I promised myself I wouldn't be the cranky workaholic my father was yet here I am very focused on work and concerned or even obsessed by many of the same things he was. Why? What drives us to try so hard?


As a professional musician, many people would think that my life isn't that much like theirs. The reality is that today, much of the music business happens on the computer, and many of the same issues regarding changes in technology and threats from overseas competition are common to many professions including my own.


I had the profound luck to work on cruise ships for 2 years after graduating from college. I played for the shows in the main ballroom and got to meet a lot of people from around the world. The thing that struck me most was how many times I heard people say that they never intended to work so hard and that they wished they had traveled more and taken a cruise many years before. It was funny how many couples would come onboard for a 30th, 40th, or 50th anniversary and finally have the time to step back from their daily life enough to remember why they got married in the first place…


Why is it that we tend to push so hard, and sometimes forget what it is we're pushing for?


Some say that we should have more "trust in the Universe" and not try so hard. If you can stay in a state of "allowing" then you can trust that what should happen will happen whether you push hard or not.


Truthfully, I do believe that the Universe has more control over my life than I do, but I can't help but try to constantly remind it of the direction I'd like to go. "God helps those who help themselves." is an idea I believe in, but I also realize that (in New Age terms) this keeps me in a state of always pushing and that just gives me more opportunities to push.


Recently I think I have pinpointed a dimension of my need to drive so hard that I hadn't been able to fully articulate before. It is the need to see things grow.


It is after all, a deeply ingrained human survival instinct. Our ancestors learned to plant crops, raise livestock, and raise children. Without the core desire to see growth and nurture growth, mankind would have vanished long ago. While my personal circumstances and preferences have led me to a path without my own children, the need to grow, and to nurture growth, and to accumulate, are as strong in me as in anyone. In a way, the challenge to fulfill that need is more difficult for me because I have no children, and my career and finances have been generally unstable and difficult to make grow in such predictable and tangible ways. I think I push so hard, because I still need to feel assured that I have been a good "Father" of growth. Somehow, with all the distractions of modern life, this essential human desire has been often ignored or supplanted.


My theory is that the need to see and nurture growth is really the engine that drives most of us whether we're aware of it or not. It's just that in today's world perhaps instead of growing a crop, or having a huge family, we channel that drive and desire into other things. In this context I can see the attraction to money for people like Bill Gates and Warren Buffet. I never "got it" before, but I think their passion for money and finance isn't necessarily about having money to spend on things, but more the expression of their passion for making their "garden" grow. Seeing a portfolio, or a particular investment do very well can bring a feeling of being a good guardian - of your fortunes. It's like being Zeus who can from high above bring nourishing rains, and then look down at the verdant expression of his good guardianship realized in a very visible and tangible way. I think we often long for a more visible expression and validation of our desire to be good nurturers of growth.


What I have realized is that often our drive to be good guardians of growth can easily go unrecognized and unsatisfied because modern society generally values many other things. The drive however is still there and can manifest in ways that aren't necessarily healthy, and which ultimately don't address the underlying need. (Think about that the next time you're driving and someone cuts you off…ha!)


My desire to be a good guardian of growth splits me between two conflicting impulses. The first is to be constantly attentive to make sure there is enough water and nutrients to encourage strong growth. The second impulse must be to "allow" fate to play its hand, for I know that over-watering it will kill that garden as fast or faster as leaving it unattended.


I would suggest that we step back and remind ourselves of what it is that is really driving us, and ask ourselves whether this path and lifestyle is the best way to achieve the Growth that we really desire? Is there some better way to nurture Growth so that we have tangible confirmation of our good care-taking?


I have recently poured all my resources into a new garden, which is my latest album, and I wait. Spring has arrived for it and the garden has blossomed, but it has yet to bear fruit. I must remind myself that the ability to nurture has its limits and that I must "allow" the universe to do its part, for my nurturing can inhibit growth as effectively as my neglect can. I await with water bucket and hoe, impatiently anticipating the harvest, hoping that nature works with me and praying that this is enough.....