Today I had an interesting conversation with one of my closest friends.  I was slightly disappointed to find out that she has no ambition whatsoever.  When I think about my future, I try to figure out how she'll fit in, maybe she won't.  This isn't one of my "friends," she's more like a family member, my son calls her "aunt."  I understand the Valley of the Dead now.  I love when my dreams become more clear to me.

I tried to be social today, my comp wasn't having it... sometimes I still don't know how I've come to be the Hermit, and coming out of it is ever so challenging.  I have no clue as to what to say to anybody anymore.  I live at home, and I barely even speak to the people that live here.  I'm just always in my head, and mostly I don't care for small talk.

I'm trying to reconnect with people, and I'm finding that I have to be the one who makes all of the effort.  I'm a little upset by that because no one goes out of their way to check on me.  Relationships take two people, yet I always seem to be carrying the weight.  Every time I relocate, I make new friends, sometimes I even bring along one or two of the old friends, but this time I'm thinking to myself that I should probably just let it all go.  I cry because I feel like I'm reaching out to people to help me figure out who I am, but really it just feels like I'm reaching into air.

I spend my days alone, even more so than I did when I lived in Long Beach.  I think I'm getting used to it, I complain less, I write in my business journal whenever I get new ideas, and since I'm not giving them away to other people...

I just keep telling myself that this is a phase, it has to be, because it's all new to me.  I'm content with thinking of all the possibilities life has to offer me, this isn't new, but I suppose it's been dormant in me for a while.  At this point, my dreams are so grandiose that they keep me awake at night.  I'm really just not sure how the people that I know, and am trying to reconnect with, fit in... maybe this is one I have to go alone.  I'm okay with that... most of the time.

I just feel extremely conflicted right now.  At some point, I'm going to have to make a decision about what I want.  I know what I don't want... I don't want to chase people around trying to get them to be on my team.  THAT AIN'T GON' HAPPEN.  I don't want anyone's pity, I don't want anyone's negative energy, and I don't want to always have to be the first one to reach out.  I really think forgiveness is lost... seems like I'm the only one who knows what it means.  I know that can't be true, but it feels that way.

This situation that I'm in makes me miss P.  He truly cared about my well-being.  I could always count on him with his old-man wisdom for advice that would help me along with my sanity, even when he was giving me advice about my feelings for him.  LoL.  He just always made sure that I was okay, that's what I loved about him.  Sometimes I wish I could go back into time...

Anyway, I feel like I'm wallowing.  I'm always on some emotional roller coaster, it's actually called a biorhythm, but some times I feel like I linger at the bottom for a little longer than what is called for. 

All I need is me, and the belief that I can do anything... which I can, so I'm not going to waste much more time trying to figure out who's going to be a part of my life, the future will let me know when it gets here.

Latas.