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Current mood:  busy
Cat Bathing As A Martial Art
* Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats
Lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of
Some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk
-
Dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.
I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most
Blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to
The contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the
Garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the
Fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when
He
Must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to
The contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a
Port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I
Have
Some advice you might consider as you place your feline
Friend
Under your arm and head for the bathtub:
-- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness
And lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of
Strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the
Battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he
Can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If
Your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that
You get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass
Doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower
Curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply
Rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift
Positions.)
-- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove
All the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you
Are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I
Recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction
Boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey
Face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
-- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out
For a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak
Jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo
Is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be
Reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.
-- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat
Nonchalantly,
As if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not
Usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no
Interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb,
Calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing
Experiment for J.C. Penney.) -- Once you are inside the
Bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid
Motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure,
Slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and
Squirt
Him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45
Seconds
Of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now
Has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do
Not
Expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds
At
A time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give
Him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then
Spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing
Himself off. (The national record for cats is three
Latherings, so don't expect too much.)
-- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always
Assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans
Generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just
Getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple
Compared to what you have just been through. That's because
By
Now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You
Simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel
And wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up
Clinging
To the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best
Thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him
Toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the
Tub,
It is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from
Your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three
Weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to
You. He might even become psycho ceramic and develop the
Fixed
Stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually
The case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through
your defenses and injure you for life the next time you
decide
to give him a bath.
But at least now he smells a lot better.
(I got this from an email and had to share)
1:34 PM
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