“My Top 10 list (numbers 11 through 16) of guilty pleasures that I ironically or un-ironically enjoy depending on what kind of public perception it creates of me, and whether or not that perception will positively or negatively effect my album sales and credibility as an artist now that I have very un-ironically released my own album, and sincerely need to pay rent…”....

 ....

Or, less self-consciously as;....

 ....

“Guilty Pleasures- Episode Two”....

 ....

11. Color Me Badd “All 4 love”- “I wanna love you up” aka “I wanna sex you up”....

 Aah, yes, you just know that those double D’s at the end of Badd mean one of two very discrepant things; this is either a parody of a 90’s R’n’B group and they’re laying on the R’n’B-isms thick; or it was an R’n’B group that existed in the absolute thick of that particular pop-zeitgeist; with a capital ‘R’ and a capital ‘B’ (and, um, a lower case ‘n’) ....

Thankfully it is the latter. As a youngster I had a copy of Color Me Badd on cassette, and I remember clearly the film clips; four young men with those haircuts that were celebrated in the 90’s (shaved round the side, tall up top… white boy fades and flat tops… according to my clock, they will be fashionable again in an ironic way in about 2 years. I think it takes about 20 years for pop culture to recycle itself) dancing in synchronization in oversized suits and coloured shirts (those shirts were colored badd, you bet).....

 Anyway, I admit to giving two of those tunes a flogging: “All 4 Love” and “I wanna sex you up”. On the cassette was a less risqué version of “I wanna sex up you” entitled “I wanna love you up”, which is perhaps better material for a first date… especially if you are 9 years old, as I was at the time, with a somewhat limited appreciation of what “sexing” somebody up entailed, exactly… although I was curious. Sadly, despite lyrics that included “color me badd is not a fad”, the band didn’t stay together much long after ’91. ....

Now that I am older, I still want to Love and/or Sex you up, depending on how you’re feeling and what you’re into. (As a side note, I wonder whether the lyric in All 4 Love had had an adult version just as “I wanna love you up” did? Was the original chorus lyric of ‘All 4 Love’ not “I want you to know I did it all for love” but instead “I want you to know I did it all for sex?”....

 ....

12. Doobie Brothers/Michael McDonald, “What a fool believes”: You know that film, the 40-Year-Old Virgin starring Steve Carrell? Well you might recall a scene in which Paul Rudd’s disgruntled retail employee character fires off at his boss about the DVD playing on repeat in the electronics store in which he works: “Nothing against Michael MacDonald, but if I hear ‘Yah Mo Be There’ one more time, I’m going to Yah Mo burn this place down”. Well, this is that guy! Yes! Michael McDonald! Unashamed, unabashed, and undiluted blue eyed soul! My god, he’s really wearing his heart on his sleeve, plus he is singing so high and he has a beard like Kenny Rogers! You’re hipster friends will hate this as much as they secretly love it. This is pure joy, though, so tell your hipster friends to “Yah Mo lighten the f*** up”. What a fool believes/ he sees/ is always better… than what some member of the fun police has deemed acceptable this month. ....

 ....

 ....

13. Seals and Croft- “Summer Breeze”: If you’re like me, then you secretly enjoy staying up late and watching Time Life infomercial specials (especially once your friends have left, and you’ve had a couple of cans, and staying put on the couch seems like a safer alternative to braving the steep stairs that lead up to your bedroom). As I was saying, maybe you watch Time Life Specials partly because you find the music reels joyous, and partly because you thrive on the tantalizingly unconsummated sexual tension between the guy in the silk shirt from REO Speedwagon and that much younger lady of no particular renown but of a rare and particular enthusiasm. Who knew easy-listening could be so sexually charged? You just know that if they let those ‘real life’ testimonials from John and Jane run for a few seconds longer, you would also hear them testify “so many amazing songs all on one CD… and its really spiced up our sex life in exciting and unexpected ways”. ....

Kids, don’t be naïve; while our parents outwardly espouse to us the importance of safe living and responsibility, you can be sure that behind those glassy parental eyes, that impenetrable façade of familial authority, mum and dad are reminiscing on the days before you came along; those sun-golden tinted days when they could just spark up a fat doobie and frolic, topless, with those floppy 1970’s titties you always see in the Carry On movies. You bet, in their minds they’re remembering a time when dad could get a sweet Nimbin buzz on and ride that horse with no name down that sweet Ventura highway… but, err, I guess that’s how you got here in the first place.  Mmmm, afternoon delight indeed. Anyway, Summer Breeze is just lovely. … Anybody feel like frolicking?....

 ....

14. Go West- Wishful Thinking- This song was on the soundtrack to Pretty Woman with Richard Gere and Julia Roberts. I was just a kid at the time, and too young to really understand what the film was about, but by golly, something in me “understood” Julia Roberts’ legs in those boots. It’s a strange phenomenon; she has boots that cover most of her legs, except for a little upper thight at the top; how can wearing more clothing be naughtier than wearing less? I can remember watching the film clip, and seeing Julia Roberts, and feeling strangely ‘energized’. Now, as a grown up, when I hear this song, I think nostalgically back to that time; little me being mesmerised by Julia Roberts’ upper thighs to the sounds of Wishful Thinking as I sat cross legged in front of Rage on ABC on a Saturday morning…....

 ....

15. Steely Dan- Peg- Oh my, listen to all those major seventh chords! You’re indie cool friends might just hate this song for no other reason than suspended second/major seventh chords are just that much harder to play on guitar than a regular major chord. They take effort. And nothing makes you feel more uncool than being seen appearing to try! I’m pretty sure (not really, I actually don’t agree with what I’m about to say at all) that if Sid Vicious had been a better guitar player then he would have started a fusion band like Steely Dan; in which case Nancy wouldn’t have been able to kill him, since fusion players, like old prog-rockers, don’t die; they simply withdraw from society to go and live forever in old English manor houses in the Cotswolds, collecting expensive paintings and resurfacing occasionally to appear in the Classic-Album documentaries.....

            This song actually features Michael McDonald on backing vocals, which basically makes him today’s MVP. Another fact, De La Soul sampled this song on Three Feet High and Rising, which is probably how you will recognise it. It’s just so damned feel good. But remember, most people keep their Steely Dan CD’s under the bed, beneath the porn magazines, so you didn’t hear it from me.....

 ....

16. Of course, now that i've set up this list as being a kind of goof, a mish-mash of new jack swing and yacht rock et al; the ironic thing to do now would be to list something that is actually really cool, something that is maybe a bit avant-garde, or generally considered to be really credible and acceptable in urban social circles. Perhaps if i did this is would be a kind of disclaimer; a way of saying "look guys i'm really cool like you too. I mean, all of this stuff is just silly fun, a bit of tongue in cheek nostalgia; however the music i REALLY love is [insert acceptable band].... I could do that. But then, actually, and ironically, i would call in to question my credibility and that of this list. "No!" i hear you scream in desperation; "please don't endanger the credibility of this list!". You're right. That would be the wrong thing to do. So, in that case, number 16 is going to be....

Ice Cube "It was a good day": Anyway this song is feel good in its own sort of way. He talks about his perfect day; his mother cooks him breakfast, he plays basketball and gets a triple-double, he hooks up with a bird he's been going after for a long time, nobody he knows gets killed in south central LA, he's sees the cops but they just roll right by him, he gets drunk... and quips "I didn't even have to use my AK: today was a good day." You know what, i'm glad i didn't have to use mine either. Stay real, gangsters.....