after today's scheduled doubleheader with the chiefs got rained out, i had planned to make the rest of the day into one where i could not do anything and not feel bad or good about it. i almost made it to the end of the day. tonight i came across an invitation i had gotten to a friend's wedding reception. i remember that date was july 14, because i was suppoed to be in 5 places at once that day and i only made it to 3 of them. so i didn't feel too terribly bad when i didn't get to make it back home for that. no big deal, i thought. i'll just drop her a note before the second planned reception for her husband-to-be's family in utah and tell her i'm sorry i didn't get to make it. that is, until i noticed the date on the second reception: august 12. two days ago. so now i look like the asshole. but i'm not really an asshole in this case. few people know about the ups and downs i experienced at the hands of this girl. few know how i liked her all throughout junior high and high school and never said anything. how a random im in college showed that she liked me too, but had never said anything either. how her friend's second guessing of my feelings for her led her to avoid me, and when i was given a chance to set up a date for us, it ended in sheer disaster. how i got the phone calls, seemingly only when she had a problem or relationship troubles, and how i never once told her that i didn't care. all the while, i played the guy who cared too much and said too little. to this day, i still feel like i never really got a fair chance to tell her how i really felt. and nobody wants to see the guy spill his guts on the heels of an impending marriage. fuck, i'm pathetic. so do i feel bad for not going to the reception or not calling? yes. should i have called and said something? maybe. do i still talk to her? only when i call her, and those calls are becoming very few and far between. do i think i'll ever hear from her again? i don't think it's really up to me anymore. after all is said and done, do i still care for her? you bet.