1. He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

2. He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

3. He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

4. He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

5. He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

6. He is not a cradle robber; he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

7. He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

8. He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

9. He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

10. He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

11. He does not hog the blankets; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

12. He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

13. He doesn't have a dirty mind; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.

14. He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.