CIGARETTES
Current mood: thankful
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Have you ever had one of those things  in life that you swore up and down you would never, ever do or let happen to you, but you ended up eating your words? 

For me, it was smoking cigarettes...Though I smoked on and off in my teens, by the time I was 20, I quit for what I thought was forever.  I Never had a craving for one again, got disgusted smelling the smell of them, (just maybe) I even became a zealot of sorts against smoking.  One thing for sure is that I was down-right proud of being a non-smoker. 

Or so I thought. 

In 2002 I got sick. In 2003 it became apparent that I might have to live  40 or 50 years with disability, I made a decision to begin smoking  because I wanted my life to end sooner than that.  I couldn't bear the idea of suffering that long. 

Never say never, huh? 

The good news is that my sickness is in remission.  Although it took nearly four years to rebuild health and feel "normal" again. I've recovered almost fully with just a few lingering repercussions and  confidence that if I relapse, I have better understanding and more tools available to catch it early and avoid having another 4-year battle.  

But the cigarettes...I got hooked.  I tried to quit in January 2005, just after the news of my daughter's pregnancy came up.  What better time to quit--in preparation for a little baby coming into our lives?

NO, not so.  After twenty four hours of withdrawal from nicotine, I became suicidal...not seriously so, but all kinds of horrible, out-of-character thoughts kept coming up; like "I'm worthless and I'd be better off dead, I should drive my car into the river".  I went to my doctor and she recommended I continue smoking until a time when the stress and strain was less.  A teen daughter having a baby and not telling anyone about it until 7-months, wasn't exactly the best time to quit.     

I tried again to quit in August 2005.  That time I arranged for the kids to go to their dad's house for a week so I could deal with the withdrawal symptoms.  I used the nicotine patch and was ready to take this thing on...except, on the third day after quitting, the kids' dad brought them home early and we argued about the abrupt change of plans. 

BACK to the SMOKES.

My major goal for 2006 is to work on my physical health.  Get back into bike riding shape, strengthen my muscles, overcome the chronic back pain that developed out of my sickness....AND QUIT SMOKING!

I began planning in January for a QUIT date of early April.  Between January and April, I was going to get things in order...begin exercising, get some counselling specific to quitting, get a prescription for Zyban to reduce the depressive effects of nicotine withdrawal, play a lot of banjo to replace smoking habit...had a huge list of alternatives to smoking! 

In February, I broke my foot and my banjo.   I did get the banjo fixed in time for the April Quit-Smoking date, but the broken foot prevented me from starting an exercise program before the quit day. 

In mid-March, I went to the doctor and got a Zyban prescription and Nicotine patch prescription.  You're suppose to start Zyban two weeks before your quit date, but the pharmacy took over a week to tell me the insurance company denied the prescription. 

Argh...now what? 

The Wednesday before the Quit-Date I bought my last pack.  I was down to five cigarettes a day, so I figured the pack would last me through Sunday, and Monday morning:  no more trips back to the smoke-shop. 

For some reason, I ran out early...on Friday.  The kids and I had already prayed over the pack and asked God to make it my last pack ever...I couldn't, I really couldn't go back and buy another pack for just the two days. 

Saturday and Sunday, I smoked butts that I could find around my yard and ashtrays.  Is that pathetic or what?

Sunday night, after church, I spent some time in prayer and Bible study.  I asked God to show me in the Bible, what I needed to know to help this attempt be successful. 

I was frightened about becoming suicidal again, and worried that all the tools I planned to use were falling apart. 

When I prayed, the word "Battle", came into my head, so I looked in my concordance and found the word "battle".  One of the early mentions of "battle" in the Bible appears in 2 Chronicles Chapter 20. 

I went to that book of the Bible and read what it had to say.  In this passage, Jehoshephat is king of Judah.  A huge group of enemies are coming up to battle against the children of Judah and they are far outnumbered.  They're frightened and don't  know what to do, so they go into the Temple and pray and fast until they hear an answer from God about how to handle this thing that's  TOO BIG for them. 

After a while, God speaks to one of the Levites...The Levites of the Bible were the decendants of Levi, son of Jacob, and traditionally, Levites were the   MUSICIANS 

What God told Jahaziel, the Levite, was Be not afraid nor dismayed by reason of this great multitude; for the battle is not yours, but God's.  God told them to take all the children and elders and every single person of the community out to the battle field and to stand before the enemies and SING PRAISES TO GOD!!! While God fought the battle. 

2 Chronicles 20:14-22....Then upon Jahaziel the son of Zechariah, the son of Benaiah, the son of Jeiel, the son of Mattaniah, a Levite of the sons of Asaph, came the Spirit of the LORD in the midst of the congregation; ¹⁵ And he said, Hearken ye, all Judah, and ye inhabitants of Jerusalem, and thou king Jehoshaphat, Thus saith the LORD unto you, Be not afraid nor dismayed by reason of this great multitude; for the battle is not yours, but God's. ¹⁶ To morrow go ye down against them: behold, they come up by the cliff of Ziz; and ye shall find them at the end of the brook, before the wilderness of Jeruel. ¹⁷ Ye shall not need to fight in this battle: set yourselves, stand ye still, and see the salvation of the LORD with you, O Judah and Jerusalem: fear not, nor be dismayed; to morrow go out against them: for the LORD will be with you. ¹⁸ And Jehoshaphat bowed his head with his face to the ground: and all Judah and the inhabitants of Jerusalem fell before the LORD, worshipping the LORD. ¹⁹ And the Levites, of the children of the Kohathites, and of the children of the Korhites, stood up to praise the LORD God of Israel with a loud voice on high. ²⁰ And they rose early in the morning, and went forth into the wilderness of Tekoa: and as they went forth, Jehoshaphat stood and said, Hear me, O Judah, and ye inhabitants of Jerusalem; Believe in the LORD your God, so shall ye be established; believe his prophets, so shall ye prosper. ²¹ And when he had consulted with the people, he appointed singers unto the LORD, and that should praise the beauty of holiness, as they went out before the army, and to say, Praise the LORD; for his mercy endureth for ever. ²² And when they began to sing and to praise, the LORD set ambushments against the children of Ammon, Moab, and mount Seir, which were come against Judah; and they were smitten.

The next morning, I gathered my children all around, and we read this passage together from the Bible.  Afterwards, I re-read the passage, but changed it to say, "in the 39th year of Miss Stacy, the children of nicotine, depression and the children of anxiety came to do battle with her....

This was a really great eye-opening experience for the kids...it was like a precious moment when the mysteries of the Bible become apparent: their eyes got real wide and they saw the parallels very clearly. 

So, my children and I prayed together and we sang hymns together that morning.  Then they went off for a week at Grandma's house and I commenced to FAST and PRAY and SING my way through nicotine withdrawal.  

I set my heart on singing hymns every time I felt like smoking, any time I felt anxiety and any time I felt depressed or suicidal. 

And that's exactly what I did.  God is so good!  I quit cold turkey but didn't have a single craving for smoking.  I did not have depression or suicidal thoughts or any of the things that I anticipated.  I did have brief anxiety attacks and INSOMNIA along with muscle spasms for about five days, but otherwise, GOD took care of the problem for me!  

I didn't need anything other than GOD.  I sang and sang HYMNS, every time I had an anxiety attack or when I was awakened abruptly in the middle of the night by muscle spasms. I also repeated the verse:  "What time I am afraid I will trust in thee"  Psalms 56:1

GET THIS!  The day of my quit, my preacher  called to encourage me, knowing it was to be the quit day.  I wasn't home, so he left a message, and in the message, he didn't TALK to me...HE SANG TO ME!  HE SANG ONE OF THE HYMNS from our church hymnal only he changed the words slightly to reflect the idea of "throwing away the smokes". 

I didn't tell my preacher about what I read in  2 Chronicles the night before!  He didn't know that SINGING was going to be my weapon of choice against the nasty spirit of despair which wanted to destroy my efforts to quit!

Its been 24 days without cigarettes.  I'm feeling so good!  I'm confident that this quit is going to succeed.  Not only can I breathe much easier and ride bike stronger...but my singing is improving a lot! 

I have new compassion and  appreciation for what people go through with this kind of addiction.  Back before I started smoking in 2003, I was really haughty and proud about being a NON-SMOKER.  I know better now and Thank the Lord Jesus Christ for being so good to me.  I didn't deserve His help with this...I put my own self in the position of being a nicotine addict, but his grace abounds...even for a pitiful creature like me. 

I hope this will be of help to someone else who struggles with anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts or addictions which you're using to cover up some kind of spiritual suffering or emotional despair. Jesus really does love and cherish you and Jesus is faithful.  He will never leave you or forsake you, if you will only trust Him and receive Him as your savior.   

God Bless you,

Miss Stacy