What a strange ride this year has been. So far.
It started with all kinds promise, and sure, there's been bumps and bruises along the way, but I have to say that nowhere along the way have I felt as though I'm living within 'the plan' moreso than the last few weeks. Not only have I felt more connected with the world around me than I have in this moment. My relationship with God is the same. I never believed I could feel this level of synergy.
Some months ago, I knew things had to change.
I knew that I wanted to be in the position to be with my son in the way he deserved. I knew that I had faith the difficulties I was facing would get better. I didn't know how, but I knew they would. They HAD to. I remember sobbing on the phone to my mom one night. The conversation didn't start out that way, but we started talking about some of stresses in my life and at one point, I said, "If I could just have a sign. I have the faith, but if I could just have something to show me that things really were going to turn out okay, I could push through." I rambled on about the horror of my childhood and asking rhetorically, "Haven't I paid enough penance? I'm not saying I'm owed, but come on - why does everything have to be so hard?" Then, like a beacon of light, a great job opportunity dropped into my lap - the perfect one, even. I looked to the sky and said, "Message received."
It was around that time that I had started studying the concept of self-actualization. You know, you visualize what it is that you want for your life, really start to believe that it'll come to pass and then it does. A different version of 'faith' you might say. I've always believed that we make our fate, but I also believe that there are forces in and around us that help things along. The theory is that you subconsciously start creating the paths for your dreams to travel.
Just over a month ago, I had been having a random conversation with my mom about what I wanted for me and my son - specifically, in the ultimate place we would live. I replied:
"We should have a little house or cottage, by a body of water. Lake, river, beach - I don't care, but it needs to be by water. It'd be nice if it had a fireplace, but I need a yard for John to play in and we will have a playground nearby for him as well."
And then yesterday, out of the blue.
A cottage on a quiet street
A block from the beach
With a yard and a small deck
Oh, and across the street - like you can look out the front window and see it:
a playground.
And did I mention there's a working fireplace?
I looked up and I said, "Lord, if this is meant for us to have, please let us have it." I went to look at it this morning, and it's not the newest, prettiest. It's small-ish and the kitchen is dated. But it's also perfect, and within a few hours, it became the future home of John and his Mommy.
What I'm trying to say is - You really can make your dreams real. You just have to believe in them.
What happens next? I dunno, but I'm pretty sure that the result is gonna be really good.