So i thought i would have more time until she died....but i didnt. She died at around 12pm January 31st 2009. The start of some of the hardest days of my life so far. You never really realize how much you actually love someone until they are gone. And now that mamaw is gone.....i miss her more than words could possibly even bare. Its like ive lost a big piece of myself and yet its so hard to believe that she is gone. I keep hoping or thinking that shes going to look out her window and wave at me when i go up the driveway but i know shes not. Ive been crying for days now because my mind is flooded with so many memories of our time together while she was still here; The purple people eatter stories she would tell me at night, the painting we did together, the candies and stuff she used to make and i would steal off the wax paper leaving nothing but hand trails behind......Some part of me wishes that i could go back in time just so i could spend some time with her that i thought about spending but never did. Some paintings that i wanted to paint with her but never got around to it. So many things.......but not enough time apparently. My family said that in her last moments that she was trying to get out the words "I love you" but just couldnt quite do it. I sorta wish i were there to at least her some of that and to be able to say that I love you back to her before her last breath was taken. I know that its too late or, she already knows all of this now, or shes in a better place and such......but.......I'm still thinking about it. It doesnt make it hurt any less. Its not going to stop the crying, grieving, and heartbreak that im feeling right now. I understand that shes gone, but still cant help what im doing now or what im thinking.  Even a few hours after i heard the news, i started to miss her. Her warm smile, comforting touch, incredible hugs, and loving heart.
So many things that are running through my mind now.....and all i can think about is the times we shared together and thats part of whats making me cry even more is because i know im never gonna have that again. No more new memories, new photos, new nothing. This was it. And she helped me so much when she was alive. I appreciated it more than i initially showed to her. So many things i regret, so many things i cherish. But nothing is easing the pain hardly. So many that i thought might not have cared have seemed to say "I dont like seeing a friend cry" or "down" and such.....so many that have offered hugs to me and want to see me out of this 'funk' im in atm. And I'm trying and they know it. I've smiled as much as i possibly could and cut up enough i think, but at the same time i still need to grieve. Mamaw wouldnt have wanted me too but its so hard not too. In this blog i feel that i owe a great deal of gratitude for those that have been there for me in some way. Weither it be offering their condolences, a shoulder to cry on, or even some advice with a try to cheer me up attitude. Thank you all. You've made this a hell of alot easier even though i didnt quite show it. Im not too big on words half the time more so on actions, but this time its hard to play my feelings into actions because all i seem to want to do is cry. But just know that underneath the crying and pain, im happy to have you all with me. More so than some might ever know. Not everyone has myspace or even check it that often, but.....Cristina R., Jonathan R., Scotty, Jamie, Matt, Danielle, PJ, Brian, Flute, AJ, Lynn, Jamie E., Michele, LeAnn, Justin, Mike, Eric, Jacques, Jonny, Debo, all the people from Conquer Online, and anyone that i may have missed due to my lack of thinking at the present moment due to whats going on.......Thank you all for being there and at least attempting to help support me through this. I couldnt even begin to imagine what the hell i would be doing at this moment if you guys didnt care about me even the slightest bit. Even just a little can mean alot to someone that may or may not show it or even voice it. I have some damn great friends and family. I dont think i could trade any of you for anything this world has to offer, even if some of you hardly, truly, know. Doesnt matter, friends dont have to know each other in and out fully to be friends. Because theres time to get to know each other accordingly. And if by some chance its time for one of us to go then it was a great honor and privilege to have met any of you in my life here. That in itself means more to me than money or worldly possessions.
Atm i am exhausted and need to sleep because tomorrow is the day we bury her. Again i have to live another day in watching more of what seems like this hurtful game but really its the closing part of life. The last final goodbye for me is tomorrow but she will never leave my thoughts or my heart. Goodnight all and sleep well for when you do.