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Patton Oswalt



Last Updated: 11/24/2009

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Status: Married
City: BURBANK
State: CALIFORNIA
Country: US
Signup Date: 3/31/2006
Monday, August 25, 2008 
I cleaned my basement today so, naturally, I thought about Jesus.

You read about the guy, and it seems like all he ever did was mingle with the assholes of his time. The weird, outcast, ill-spoken and socially awkward. Hookers and lepers.

"That Jesus guy, from Nazareth? He says he's the son of God."

Snort. "Really? Then why is he always on the hook/lep side of town?"

That was God's little joke. The man with the plan, the herald of salvation and the apocalypse -- see, he's going to hide that guy in the middle of the kind of people you want to avoid. Which means two things:

God has an over-arcing sense of irony and the innate lyricism of the human animal. Yucky vegetables are where he hid the vitamins. Experience gets hidden inside pain and failure. And The Truth is surrounded by douchebags. It's a comment on how the world doesn't just give you wisdom, humility and health. You've got to go out and search for it. Make yourself a little uncomfortable. Shake things up.

Or, God's just a dick.

But I've been thinking about where Jesus might be today, if he's truly come back (or is planning to).

Would he be hidden amongst the yowling, you-are-not-the-father victory dancing pinheads on Maury Povich?

Maybe he's a shirtless, gold-chain swinging Jersey shore Guido.

Perhaps, finally, Christ Risen is a contestant on Deal or No Deal.

Those are some pretty annoying sub-groups of sub-humans.

But they don't hold a glow-stick to commenters on the internet.

Under every YouTube video. Every Onion A.V. Club entry. Every MySpace blog and AintItCool thread. Asswipes. Worthless, time-wasting maelstroms of Why Fucking Bother. Mean, spiteful, misspelled and, worst of all, Aborted Attempts At Humor (acronym -- AAAH!).

But maybe the 492nd comment on some of these endless threads is a parable that could save the world. But who ever reads that far before shooting themselves in the head?

Or, worse yet, Jesus' message to a woeful world is, "First!"
5:11 AM
 
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Davey
Kool Aid

 
what if he was just a stranger on the bus?

/fuck her
//i would
 
Posted by Davey on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:28 PM
[Reply to this] 
jessica

 
nah, i think you had it right. god's just a dick.
 
Posted by jessica on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:28 PM
[Reply to this] 
leonard
leonard mcconaha

 
NOT JUST ANY DICK; MY DICK. OH YEEEEEAAAAAAH.
 
Posted by leonard on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 11:12 PM
[Reply to this] 
SeanOfTheDead

 
I thought God was Andy Dick....
 
Posted by SeanOfTheDead on Monday, August 25, 2008 - 8:43 PM
[Reply to this] 
Turn around, ghost

 
dude ur fag lol.
 
Posted by Turn around, ghost on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:28 PM
[Reply to this] 
Brian

 
That would definitely be you.
 
Posted by Brian on Monday, August 25, 2008 - 1:14 PM
[Reply to this] 
Kath

 
Actually I'm pretty sure you are that person. Nice try though!
 
Posted by Kath on Monday, August 25, 2008 - 8:09 AM
[Reply to this] 
Andrew
Andrew Hess

 
HAHA! n00b got pwned!
 
Posted by Andrew on Monday, August 25, 2008 - 11:22 AM
[Reply to this] 
I'm Awesome!

 
So you don't like comments?
 
Posted by I'm Awesome! on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:29 PM
[Reply to this] 
Ish: [Destroyer]
Ismael Gutierres

 
This reminds me of how you said that blogs were the root of all evil.

Perhaps god (if he exist and comes back) picks out a random person to dish out infomation.

Oh jesus (no pun intended) what if its you....

sweetness
 
Posted by Ish: [Destroyer] on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:29 PM
[Reply to this] 
Julia
Meow Meow

 
Patton, You are, for certain, one of the most amazing minds out there. Your comedy never stops making me laugh and think. You know what? You said Jesus was in the basement? I was always told he was behind the sofa.... -Julia
 
Posted by Julia on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:29 PM
[Reply to this] 
Geoff

 
I am First.

Thank you for that
Geoff

Or am I 2 late ?
 
Posted by Geoff on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:30 PM
[Reply to this] 
Jeremy Alexander

 
Did George Lucas rape Jesus' childhood?
 
Posted by Jeremy Alexander on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:31 PM
[Reply to this] 
El Josh Rollins

 
You're 7th.
 
Posted by El Josh Rollins on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:30 PM
[Reply to this] 
El Josh Rollins

 
I watched your episode on Root of All Evil when you did the anti-bloggers thing.

I have to agree with you, for the most part.

Hey, did you know that Bowling For Soup uses your "If you liked metal in the 80s, you're gay" bit before they go on stage. That's pretty cool.
 
Posted by El Josh Rollins on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:30 PM
[Reply to this] 
Steve Mendoza, Chef/Author
Steve Mendoza

 
Its all a load of pious bullshit.
Greg Proops is GOD!
I vote Patton for the new Jesus.
 
Posted by Steve Mendoza, Chef/Author on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:40 PM
[Reply to this] 
Gossamer Redgold
Holly Thomas

 
we can vote for jesus? shit...
 
Posted by Gossamer Redgold on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 11:44 PM
[Reply to this] 
Steve Mendoza, Chef/Author
Steve Mendoza

 
Carlin is gonna come back and be the new Pope.
I have an inside source.
 
Posted by Steve Mendoza, Chef/Author on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 11:20 PM
[Reply to this] 
DANatomically Correct
Dan Nollette

 
Wait, I thought Carlin was just a bishop in New Jersey. At least that's what Kevin Smith told me.
 
Posted by DANatomically Correct on Monday, August 25, 2008 - 7:26 AM
[Reply to this] 
That guy

 
This would make Hicks and Kinison prophets of old, maybe, like Elijah and Elisha? I'm completely down with this kind of theology.
 
Posted by That guy on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 11:37 PM
[Reply to this] 
Rhine!!

 
Dude, a bible with Kinison and Hicks preaching the work... I could totally get down on that. That could really take the edge off catching a crucifix up the bum in bible study.
 
Posted by Rhine!! on Tuesday, August 26, 2008 - 1:25 AM
[Reply to this] 
≠ Airon ≠
Airon Gallegos

 
That's awesome, modern theology forming in front of me, as I read. It's like a text digi-pet.
 
Posted by ≠ Airon ≠ on Friday, August 29, 2008 - 10:46 PM
[Reply to this] 
Steve

 
First
 
Posted by Steve on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:31 PM
[Reply to this] 
Steve

 
Fuck
 
Posted by Steve on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:31 PM
[Reply to this] 
Shawn

 
I have no comment.
Yet, I feel like a douche for being here.
 
Posted by Shawn on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:31 PM
[Reply to this] 
En Guarde, Society!

 
Amen Patton, and no, the irony of being a commenter on your blog isn't escaping me.

I've met at least twelve incarnations of Jesus, and they're all homeless in Seattle. I think it's high time we hired Walsh to get on Wanted and put out some details. Of course we'll have Sherman tanks ready to blow up their house when they're found.
 
Posted by En Guarde, Society! on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:32 PM
[Reply to this] 
MotherNecessity

 
"Experience gets hidden inside pain and failure."
~*swoon*
 
Posted by MotherNecessity on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:33 PM
[Reply to this] 
doctor butters

 
I'm just curious as to what the hell that thing is on your shoulder. It's kinda gross. Oh, and Patton is darn right swell. Amen.
 
Posted by doctor butters on Tuesday, August 26, 2008 - 12:02 AM
[Reply to this] 
Andrew
Andrew Hess

 
No offense to Patton, but "swoon?"
 
Posted by Andrew on Monday, August 25, 2008 - 11:26 AM
[Reply to this] 
Steph-E
Stephen Ely

 
At least some people think of these things so I don't have to bother straining my mind to come up with these off-the-wall thoughts.

Thanks for giving me wisdom without having to struggle for it myself.
 
Posted by Steph-E on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:33 PM
[Reply to this] 
Nickie
Nickie Michaud Wild

 
As J.R. "Bob" Dobbs teaches us, the path to all Truth and Enlightenment is to be found the dumbest things imaginable. Look to old Sci-Fi movies for the wisdom of Jesus.
"You See? You See? Your Stupid Minds! Stupid! Stupid!" -Plan 9 (RevNickie)
 
Posted by Nickie on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:33 PM
[Reply to this] 
topher

 
tttthhhbbbttttttt!!!!!!
 
Posted by topher on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:38 PM
[Reply to this] 
Sir Isaac Thibideaux

 
the worst way of dealing with the world is trying to understand it. youd have a better chance at finding jesus in your basement.
 
Posted by Sir Isaac Thibideaux on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:38 PM
[Reply to this] 
Mike Legue
Michael Legue

 
Off topic comment about penis enlargement
 
Posted by Mike Legue on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:42 PM
[Reply to this] 
mrak
Mark Skelton

 
No creature exhibits more intelligence and understanding than a nerd in a basement. Pinnacle of human evolution, right there.
 
Posted by mrak on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:44 PM
[Reply to this] 
Jace

 
I know where Jesus is....he's Kip Winger.
 
Posted by Jace on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:47 PM
[Reply to this] 
Super Comics
Robert Wronski

 
Furst, lett me say u is an ashoal. There, I covered the "Mean, spiteful, misspelled and, worst of all, Aborted Attempts At Humor (acronym -- AAAH!)."

I always said that if Jesus ever returned in this day and age, the uptight Christain community would be the first to attack him, and he would be found in the worst neighborhoods (if he even came to America...he probably would go to a place where there are starving, sickly children.) Jesus was a non-conformist, in a time when Christianity was considered a radical cult. I don't think Jesus would really like how people who act in his name have become.
 
Posted by Super Comics on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:47 PM
[Reply to this] 
BattleChicken

 
Thats exactly what he did the first time around -- according to the stories are told in the bible, at any rate.

The people Jesus had the most issues with were the Pharisees, who were the dominant form of Judaism at the time (like Catholics -> Christians now..)

The Pharisees were obsessed with man-made rules (Dogma) whereas Jesus was more concerned with God’s love; the Pharisees scorned sinners, putting people based on their PERCEPTION of their actions in different categories of 'less than' they were, whereas Jesus sought those people out because God loves everyone.

So... Yeah, assuming Jesus' pattern of behavior would be the same, he would speak out about the bullshit that the established religious organizations have going on now -- and there is plenty of it to complain about.
 
Posted by BattleChicken on Monday, August 25, 2008 - 5:11 PM
[Reply to this] 
dj OK

 
GOOD THINGS GOOD THINGS
 
Posted by dj OK on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:48 PM
[Reply to this] 
Mac
Mac Lewis

 
Twentieth! Cheer up, cocksucker.
 
Posted by Mac on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:48 PM
[Reply to this] 
Raul B. Nuttz
Raul B. Nuttz

 
Well played, Sir.
 
Posted by Raul B. Nuttz on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:49 PM
[Reply to this] 
:ϻ:δ:ϟ:

 
Hmmm, I Think I saw Ol' J.C. on "Nazareth Has Talent". What a juggler that guy is!
 
Posted by :ϻ:δ:ϟ: on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:50 PM
[Reply to this] 
Scott

 
I think you're close, but not quite there. While commenters with their "lolz" and "ur gay" tags may be irritating to the point you want to sterilize yourself so you don't have to subject your progeny to having to coexist with them, Jesus isn't one for being hidden. Sure, you may have to work to get next to him or get his attention, but he gives as many people as possible the chance.

Just like in olden times he had his disciples, the same thing's happening today. They're the folks of headline news, and Jesus tells them where to direct their attention. His greatest projects at the moment are the presidential candidates, Brittney, and a few other celebs. Brittney's his Mary Magdalene currently, though he did try a few others: Lindsey Lohan, Christina Aguilera, Mary Kate, Whitney Houston...
 
Posted by Scott on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:53 PM
[Reply to this] 
JW

 
the whole blog is fantastic, but the "God has an over-arcing sense of irony" paragraph was fantastic. insightful and hilarious. thank you, sir.
 
Posted by JW on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:56 PM
[Reply to this] 
Nickel Pie

 
I absolutly agree but by voicing my opinion I am no better than anyone else who comments on this......

Sweet irony
 
Posted by Nickel Pie on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 10:59 PM
[Reply to this] 
Woodstock
TomEatsmycock SoIsaidyestoshowingmyfullname

 
Always...never forget...to check your references.
 
Posted by Woodstock on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 11:00 PM
[Reply to this] 
Chukthunder
Chuk Thunder

 
If you're trying to find the neglected human pocket of existence that the Christ would be hanging with, look in the dumpsters next to the 1.9 million or so babies the US kills off annually.

Jesus had a compassionate thing going for the unwanted masses, it was called love.
 
Posted by Chukthunder on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 11:03 PM
[Reply to this] 
Devan
Devan Thayer Lund

 
Of course, no internet comment thread is complete without some troll bringing up a controversial topic unrelated to the main focus. You wanna invoke parables with the Holocaust, too? Maybe go on about how much you hated "Blade Runner"?
 
Posted by Devan on Monday, August 25, 2008 - 1:23 AM
[Reply to this] 
Andrew
Andrew Hess

 
Whatev, your worse then Hitler!
 
Posted by Andrew on Monday, August 25, 2008 - 11:33 AM
[Reply to this] 
Corrie
Corrie Erickson

 
Maury Povich:

"Jesus, you ART THOU FATHER!"


C'mon, someone had to say it.
 
Posted by Corrie on Sunday, August 24, 2008 - 11:11 PM
[Reply to this] 
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