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Patton Oswalt



Last Updated: 11/24/2009

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Status: Married
City: BURBANK
State: CALIFORNIA
Country: US
Signup Date: 3/31/2006
Monday, September 15, 2008 
INT. – CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

HANS GRUBER, German criminal mastermind, meets with a crew of international, professional thieves.


HANS GRUBER
Thank you all for coming. I trust your respective flights were uneventful.
(reads from a Filofax)
Your presence indicates to me that each of you has reviewed my plan for the Nakatomi heist, and that you've agreed to participate. You will each receive a generous share of the $640 million in negotiable bearer bonds we will steal from the vault.

THEO
Hate to speak out of turn, but I had a question about that.

MARCO
We all did, as a matter of fact.

HANS
Oh?

THEO
Yeah. And since I'm the one with the charming personality, I'll elect myself group spokesperson.
(he turns to the Karl and Tony)
Guten tag?

They both cock their heads, confused.

HANS
They're Swedish.

THEO
Oopsie. I keep forgetting. I owe you guys a Swiss Miss.

Uli eyes a bowl of M&Ms in the middle of the conference table. Eddie watches Uli intently.

EDDIE
(under his breath)
C'mon…c'mon, just take one.

ULI
I heard that.

EDDIE
Well, you've been eyein' them candies ever since you got in here.

ULI
Well, I'm a nervous eater. I've got a wicked sweet tooth when I'm nervous.

HANS
What is there to be nervous about?

THEO
Well, there's one hole in the plan. At least, there's one detail you've left out.

HANS
Every conceivable detail has been paid attention to.

THEO
Except the electromagnetic lock on the vault. You know I can't crack it. None of us can.

HANS
I've got that all figured out.

THEO
Well, could you maybe share it with us? That's what we're all nervous about. We like the whole blowing the roof to cover our escape, and the driving away in the ambulance during all the confusion.

KARL
But we've all invested a lot of time and money, not to mention many of us have traveled a long way.

MARCO
All the way from Italy, in my case! I am almost out of my favorite cigarettes!

THEO
So we need you to tell us exactly how you'll crack the electromagnetic lock.

Hans stares everyone down. This is a crucial moment, and will decide whether these sober, risk-averse professionals will proceed.

HANS
I would much rather surprise you with the solution during the heist.

THEO
You're serious? All of this build-up, and we're going to have to take it on faith you've got it worked out, plus be excited about it being a surprise?

HANS
Yes.

Everyone stares at Hans, then at each other. This does not look good.

Then:

KARL
Okay!

THEO
Yep! I think I speak for everyone when I say a surprise might be kind of fun!

MARCO
It's worth the risk!

HANS
I'm so pleased.

Uli finally steps back from the M&Ms. He doesn't take one.

KARL
(to Eddie)
Told you.

EDDIE
Damn, I had fifty bucks on this guy.

He hands a fifty dollar bill over to Karl, and everyone leaves the room.
11:25 AM
 
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Brendon
Brendon Mustaciola

 
Yes.....
:-)
 
Posted by Brendon on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 4:40 AM
[Reply to this] 
Whitt Algar

 
Christmas is a time for miracles...
 
Posted by Whitt Algar on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 4:42 AM
[Reply to this] 
Jason Poore

 
thank you
 
Posted by Jason Poore on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 4:44 AM
[Reply to this] 
ANDREW
Andrew Lambrix

 
somewhere, alan rickman is smiling.............cuz he's with a classy high-priced hooker.
 
Posted by ANDREW on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 4:47 AM
[Reply to this] 
Kayefex |Graphic Design|

 
...AND he pays more than $50 for it, too. =D
 
Posted by Kayefex |Graphic Design| on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 6:36 PM
[Reply to this] 
ANDREW
Andrew Lambrix

 
noone alan rickman gets anything but freebies. IT'S ALAN RICKMAN!!!
 
Posted by ANDREW on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 8:31 PM
[Reply to this] 
Sir Chadwick, Loud Rock Director of Montco Radio

 
Okay Patton, that was worth reading, and funny. But, just like that movie, The Sixth Sense, predictable. On the by and by, you need to start writing Rape Stove: The Stove That Rapes People.
 
Posted by Sir Chadwick, Loud Rock Director of Montco Radio on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 4:56 AM
[Reply to this] 
Ben
Ben Prowett

 
Does this Stove rape for a purpose or just for it's own gratification? Perhaps it only rapes lumberjacks out of a sense of revenge.....

Also, is it an equal opportunity rapist? I'd hate to think of some gender, race or creed being left out. There could be a lawsuit. That gives me an idea! The Stove could rape the band Creed! I'd pay to see that movie!
 
Posted by Ben on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 2:38 PM
[Reply to this] 
FoxFairy
Catherine Rose

 
WTF...rapes lumberjacks out of revenge? For what pancakes?! No, no; Rape Stove, The Stove That Rapes People comes from Werewolves and Lollipops, in referance to an actual movie (yes I did look it up) Death Bed, The Bed That Kills People...you can rent if from Netflix. LOL, funny bit can't say I like Die Hard...sorry too umm, I want to say pointless. Anywho, what does this guy have against the band Creed?
 
Posted by FoxFairy on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 6:25 PM
[Reply to this] 
Андруша

 
the title is "Death Bed: The Bed that Eats."
show some respect for this piece of cinematic brilliance and at least get the name right.
 
Posted by Андруша on Tuesday, September 16, 2008 - 1:39 AM
[Reply to this] 
Fergusauras Rex

 
Scott Stapp getting raped by a stove! Its less than he deserves. He should have to apologize to our ears. Oh and that should be part of Die Hard, it would make the movie that much better.
 
Posted by Fergusauras Rex on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 3:24 PM
[Reply to this] 
Go Go Gadget Arms
Danielle Shipe

 
I concur on rape stove.
 
Posted by Go Go Gadget Arms on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 5:02 AM
[Reply to this] 
Twitch

 
Yeah, I agree. Write Rape Stove, I have a feeling it'll be the dawning of an epic saga that will forever stand out in cinematic history.
 
Posted by Twitch on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 5:19 AM
[Reply to this] 
Der Kommissar

 
Maybe you could partner with Food Network on this idea........
 
Posted by Der Kommissar on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 12:57 PM
[Reply to this] 
Dr. Hart Ryan Noecker, Phd

 
Uh, fuckin' DIE HARD is predictable. That's the point, Friend O.
 
Posted by Dr. Hart Ryan Noecker, Phd on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 5:02 AM
[Reply to this] 
[C.NOTE]
Monroe TheChamp

 
rambo and die hard rape indiana jones.
 
Posted by [C.NOTE] on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 5:02 AM
[Reply to this] 
Author Spooner

 
Wow. That was very funny. When are you guys making King of Queens: The Movie??? Let me know, because I'm first in line. By the way, I don't get how this was predictable, or how The Sixth Sense was either. I'm pretty sure that was considered one of the most shocking endings in movie history.
 
Posted by Author Spooner on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 5:18 AM
[Reply to this] 
Brainlock has Lupus
Brian Wagner

 
Dude, they told you the ending IN THE TRAILER AND EVERY DAMN COMMERCIAL!!!
Geez, even Jeane Dixon saw that one coming AND SHE'S DEAD!!!


as for your Die Hard scene? Which one was Chief O'Brien again?
 
Posted by Brainlock has Lupus on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 11:03 PM
[Reply to this] 
The Hoyk
Marc Edward Heuck

 
Okay, I think I got it:

Hans Gruber is John McCain;
The henchmen are the leaders of the Republican party;
Sarah Palin is the either the time lock or the secret that circumvents the time lock.

And, in your typical brilliant fashion, you have now, by using pop culture for buried political metaphor, depicted how the GOP plans to yet again steal the upcoming election.

Which raises the question: when are we going to get a viable action hero who isn't a GOP shill, a religious wacko, or worse, one of those "Libertarians" who seems to think that going back to the days when the fire brigade watched your house burn down because you were behind on your dues is a good idea?
 
Posted by The Hoyk on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 6:02 AM
[Reply to this] 
Chev Chelios

 
Every night,sarah palin takes out her gun and shoots in the direction of russia,hoping to hit anyone.
 
Posted by Chev Chelios on Tuesday, September 16, 2008 - 12:02 AM
[Reply to this] 
El Robo Diablo

 
fucking brilliant!! "LOLZ" and all that crap!!
 
Posted by El Robo Diablo on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 6:09 AM
[Reply to this] 
SMITH!
Matthew Smith

 
Americans really adored terrorism in the hands of delightful Germans.
"Build Cars. Don't Blow Them Up."
 
Posted by SMITH! on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 7:31 AM
[Reply to this] 
.
Bass Cadet

 
You think it's predictable when Carl "Fucking" Winslow shoots a guy whose already severely dead and saves the goddamn day? You think it's predictable when Die Hard's whore-wife punches the reporter guy in the brain with no recourse whatsoever? Or how about in the new one - where Die Hard surfs on a fucking jet because he just destroyed his big-rig AND the freeway he was driving it on! Is that fucking predictable?! Shame on you.

Now, I think the newest Die Hard movie should have gone with the most logical title - Die Hardest. Perhaps Die Hardly. Maybe even Die, Die Hard, Die a la the second Darkman movie. Thoughts?
 
Posted by . on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 8:20 AM
[Reply to this] 
+American Atheist+

 
dude, die hard surfed in DH3..on the dump truck in the underground tunnel... then grabbed the loose grid, going roughly 176mph btw...then shot up in the geyser through the manhole and conveniently landed in the passenger seat of sam jacksons benzo.. just cementing your point...you made many valids just now!
 
Posted by +American Atheist+ on Wednesday, October 01, 2008 - 9:10 AM
[Reply to this] 
Aphrodyle

 
That's, um... at least inspired by the simpsons(tm) powerplantselling-episode.
But Dumb German Money is always good for a laugh!
 
Posted by Aphrodyle on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 12:29 PM
[Reply to this] 
Alyzabeth Mitchell

 
Criminals with their stupid bets! And what is a filofax?
 
Posted by Alyzabeth Mitchell on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 1:38 PM
[Reply to this] 
The Dying Detective

 
John McClain had always wanted to be a cop with domestic problems. His dad said "No you will be kill by terrorists!" John had never listened, until now, but it was too late...for now anyway. " I will shoot at him." said the terrorists. Then the building crumbled and they were unable to kill.

The radio said " John McClain get out!!"

" NO! I has to kill the terrists!" said John McClain

"No John McClain, you are the terrorists"

Then John was a zombie.
 
Posted by The Dying Detective on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 2:23 PM
[Reply to this] 
Ben (tasteful shred)Nashatka
ben nashatka

 
That's my favorite white zombie song

1960.......oh no it's viet..........naaaaaaaam yeah

ok....getting back to the point

Die Hards kick ass!!!!!!!!!!!

Fuck you Patton

And that thing about Bruce surfing the jet........RIGHT ON........I didn't think people could do that

Bruce Willis is the man......He's the only guy alive that can take a Greyhound up against a fighter jet and kick it's fucking ass

I can't wait for the prequal
 
Posted by Ben (tasteful shred)Nashatka on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 2:47 PM
[Reply to this] 
Gary Gary
Grayson Goode

 
very nice...that completes the movie. i knew there was something missing
 
Posted by Gary Gary on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 4:38 PM
[Reply to this] 
Frank

 
Very funny, but Alexander Godunov was a god. Anyone who can drink excessively and still do ballet deserves a statue and a holiday... Pat Swayze is only a pussy chain smoker. RIP Reginald VelJohnson.
 
Posted by Frank on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 4:45 PM
[Reply to this] 
Big T

 
Reginald VelJohnson isn't dead
 
Posted by Big T on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 5:36 PM
[Reply to this] 
Frank

 
no shit
 
Posted by Frank on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 11:49 PM
[Reply to this] 
Tape Recorder Three

 
My favorite deleted scene is where Hans goes for a handfull of M&Ms to celebrate the success of the heist, holds them up in slow motion, studiously and says: "Hey! Which one of you pricks forgot to remove the brown ones!!!"

And Eddie goes (under his breath): "This jerk thinks he's David Lee Roth."

And Hans takes exception by riddling all of his compatriots with machine gun fire, thereby blowing his escape route 'cause a loose round done ripped through the remote control for the explosives.

And Bruce Willis picks up the mangled remote control and goes, "Nice shot asshole..."
 
Posted by Tape Recorder Three on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 4:56 PM
[Reply to this] 
Chev Chelios

 
Ozzy wanted 1,000 brown m&m's to fill a brandy glass or he would'nt go on stage. So there's me and david crosby and kieth moon breaking in to this little sweetshop. Well,insted of a guard dog they have this bloody great big bangal tiger. I managed to take out the tiger with a can of mace,but the shop owner and his son...they were a different story all together. I had to beat them to death with their own shoes.
 
Posted by Chev Chelios on Tuesday, September 16, 2008 - 12:00 AM
[Reply to this] 
just ben

 
ahahaha wayne's world. party on. Die hard rocks too
 
Posted by just ben on Tuesday, September 16, 2008 - 1:16 AM
[Reply to this] 
Officer
Ryan Stockstad

 
Brilliant! Though I propose a slight rewrite... Theo didn't make one sports analogy during this entire scene, and I'm pretty sure he would've, somewhere:)
 
Posted by Officer on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 5:05 PM
[Reply to this] 
Sir Chadwick, Loud Rock Director of Montco Radio

 
To add on to what I had written, I wasn't saying that Die Hard was predictable, just the deleted scene. This only evident in the fact that the deleted scene had no effect on the movie itself. There's still the surprise about the Feds killing power to the grid breaking the electro-magnetic lock of the vault. It's only obvious that I have seen Die Hard like 100 times.
 
Posted by Sir Chadwick, Loud Rock Director of Montco Radio on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 6:23 PM
[Reply to this] 
Matthew

 
twas the night before christmas, and all thru the house, not a creature was stirring EXCEPT... that Theo was surprised by the EM lock, right? something like "i got thru the last lock and the EM lock came down like a f'n something or other!" Get the script girl in here to check this joke's continuity... in stardard 2x2 cover formation.
 
Posted by Matthew on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 6:51 PM
[Reply to this] 
Eric

 
That's a very nice suit, Mr. Takagi.
 
Posted by Eric on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 7:46 PM
[Reply to this] 
Sem
Chris Ramsdell

 
Very funny.
How old is that movie?
I guess I could check imdb to find out.

How long did it take you to write that?
Think you can sell it?
 
Posted by Sem on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 7:52 PM
[Reply to this] 
Curtin

 
Finally, 20 years later, the whole thing makes sense to me.
 
Posted by Curtin on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 8:05 PM
[Reply to this] 
Houli

 
I'm out of Iraq! I'm Out of Iraq! Holy Hans Gruber's Balls, I'm out of Iraq!!

See how I tied in my joy with your blog? I'm clever that way.

That's right people...a fucking year in Iraq and I'm still marginally clever. Very marginally. I haven't devolved into a complete blithering idiot due to the stress! This is fantastic news!

I'm out of Iraq! I'm out of Iraq! Thank Special Agent Johnson, I am out of fucking Iraq!!!!

Whoo hoo!!
 
Posted by Houli on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 8:53 PM
[Reply to this] 
Gerry

 
Welcome back!
 
Posted by Gerry on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 9:57 PM
[Reply to this] 
Steve Mendoza, Chef/Author
Steve Mendoza

 
rape is bad. Stoves are good
 
Posted by Steve Mendoza, Chef/Author on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 11:07 PM
[Reply to this] 
rowdykatie

 
Gruber rolled a 16 for charisma. *shrug*
 
Posted by rowdykatie on Tuesday, September 16, 2008 - 2:16 AM
[Reply to this] 
birdhead
aaron gordon

 
...and then was promptly eaten by a bug-bear.
 
Posted by birdhead on Monday, September 22, 2008 - 9:29 AM
[Reply to this] 
Murfmeef
Murfmeef Murfmeef

 
MARCO says to ULI: Next time you have a chance to to hesitate, don't hesitate!

Hans then begins to speak with an american accent

HANS Well, I'm going to paractice shooting at the painball range.

Everyone looks confused for several moments

KARL Who the hell are you?

ULI I don't recognize him! (grabs a single m&m out of the bowl)

Suddenly Hans begins to laugh

HANS I had you guys so fooled!

The door opens at the far end of the room, everyone watches as
Heinrich clumsily enters the room with a sack full of stuff dropping things at the same time

HEINRICH Hey guys, sorry I'm late, I had to carry the bag . Marco they were all out of your smokes, all they had were non-filter

MARCO Damn!

HEINRICH Uli, I got you a nestle's crunch, Karl, I got you a six-pack of coke, Hans, here are the batteries for your TV

FRANCO The shampoo is missing.

KARL Did you remember shampoo?

HEINRICH Scheisse, I forgot!

HANS Everyone remain calm! Don't make me count to 3 .
 
Posted by Murfmeef on Tuesday, September 16, 2008 - 3:42 AM
[Reply to this] 
Steve B

 
Deleted from the movie, but not from my heart. God bless you.
 
Posted by Steve B on Tuesday, September 16, 2008 - 3:43 AM
[Reply to this] 
TRINKO

 
I'm pretty sure this was in the novelization of the movie from which the book was originally based.
 
Posted by TRINKO on Tuesday, September 16, 2008 - 4:23 AM
[Reply to this] 
TRINKO

 
I'm pretty sure this made it into the Photo Novel.
 
Posted by TRINKO on Tuesday, September 16, 2008 - 4:32 AM
[Reply to this] 
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