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Patton Oswalt



Last Updated: 11/24/2009

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Status: Married
City: BURBANK
State: CALIFORNIA
Country: US
Signup Date: 3/31/2006
Saturday, September 05, 2009 
HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

So here's what I wrote as my Status Update this morning:

"How dare President Obama speak to our high school students and encourage them to work hard and study.  Fucking Socialist."

Okay, what was your reaction upon reading that?

Yep -- I'm obviously 100% for Obama speaking to high school students.   

And I'm obviously making fun of the GOP dick-slaps who are protesting this (even though Reagan did the same thing in 1988, as well as Bush in 2004 -- and they were openly pushing their political agendas).

I mean, it's so obvious, right?  

Well, almost everyone who left a comment under the status clearly got it.

Now let's take a little stroll over to my Inbox.   It's a wee fogged up because of all the mouths breathing on it.  


From now on, I'm posting ONLY sarcastic, archly ironic Status Comments.    It's so much fun, riling up the dumbshits on both sides.   

And again, before you read these, remember:

1.   I obviously support Obama.

2.   I OBVIOUSLY think him speaking at high schools is a good thing.

3.   I could not be more OBVIOUSLY against the Republican "meme machine" which has been spitting out bullshit about "death panels", "indoctrination", "socialism", and anything that falls out of Sarah Palin's mouth or Glenn Beck's cunt.

Got it?  Are we all clear?   Good.   Here we go.   I've preserved all of the spelling, punctuation and fonts.    God help the future of America:




"I Hate Obama ok he should just stop & die"


"u know what he is a good awsome 
1st african president ok
so shut up live with
it for four years
!!!"


"WHAT IZ UR PROBLEM OBAMA IZ A GOOD MAN"



"MEAN PERSONALLY I THINK ITZ RUDE 2 SAY DAT ABOUT OBAMA CAUZE IT MAY HELP WITH THE HIGH SCHOOLS STUDENTS GRADUTE 4RM SCHOOL AND GET ITNO COLLOGE AND BECOME SUMTHIN"



"Creating a climate of obligated compliance, and selling brand obama( as well as Identifying the children and families who are non-compliant) is what this is really about, my not so bright friend.It is NOT the presidents job to deliver this message.It's the role of the PARENTS.But then again, do you have any children?And if the message is such, then why not speak to  ALL school children?Why only to pre-K to 6th grade?Any way I know this is a waste of time to try and reason with a person like you who stands to benifit professionally by being a collaborator.I just figured I would use my freedom of speech whilst I still can.You probably would be in favor of having that taken away if it meant you would get more gigs!P.S. You're not funny!LOL"



"........................So dude, are u being sarcastic in your status message? You know as good as the rest of the elite that Obama is not who he says he is, and is moments away from an early resting place thanks to Hilary Clinton and a number of other conspirators. 

JesusOVERNWO/VATICAN"


  • "FUCK YOU YOU COCK SUCKING PEICE OF SHIT, OBAMA IS NOT A SOCIALIST AND ANYONE WHO THINKS THAT IS A DUMBASS FUCK HEAD LIKE YOU, IVE SEEN YOUR ACT, YOURE A FAT DORK WHO NOBODY LIKES, YOUR A HACK, GO TO HELL AND ROT YOU COCKSUCKING REPUBLICAN RIGHT WING CUNT!"



"you should really leave him alone and let him do wat he does best he is runnin the country and you aint in the white house so you do not know wat is like and we are the future you shold be glad he is tellin us to work hard so we womnt be in as much trouble in the future than we are now"

"ur a hater 4 talkin bout prez. obama!!!! u shouldnt even bii aloud 2 use his name lik dat!!!! hater!!!  its peeps lik u who get mii fired ups!!!"



"HE'S MOTIVATING US ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


Listing 1-50 of 478
Gary
Gary Rabuzzi

 
Welcome to the Idiocracy.
 
Posted by Gary on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 5:57 PM
[Reply to this
@petercoffin
Peter Coffin

 
....................
 
Posted by @petercoffin on Monday, September 07, 2009 - 10:20 PM
[Reply to this
Special K
Personal Assistant

 
^^^^^^^^^^
douchebag alert


 
Posted by Special K on Tuesday, September 08, 2009 - 3:57 PM
[Reply to this
Josh

 
..Cal. Welf & Inst. Code ..Section 5150. 

 
Posted by Josh on Monday, September 07, 2009 - 5:44 PM
[Reply to this
Human Evolution

 
Billions of humans have yet to evolve.
 
Posted by Human Evolution on Monday, September 07, 2009 - 3:04 PM
[Reply to this
the Office of the Witch Doctor General

 
Well see that's the thing patton :) You're not the only one who can use sarcasm in a cruel mannor :) The cruelest use of sarcasm is to intentionaly apear not to uderstand someone else's use of cruel sarcasm. It forces you to go through the effort of explaining your sarcasm.

:)

Fuk u! u Obama hater!
 
Posted by the Office of the Witch Doctor General on Monday, September 07, 2009 - 5:05 AM
[Reply to this
Rory
Rory Tomasello

 
Could be worse, at least no one pulled a Michael Savage and referred to Obama as an "afro-leninist". I have no fucking clue what the hell that is suppose to mean but it makes me think of a Blaxploitation allegory film  based on the Russian Revolution with the Black Panthers as the Bolsheviks..

 
Posted by Rory on Sunday, September 06, 2009 - 3:10 AM
[Reply to this
Constance X

 
... makes me think of blog-dicking.

 
Posted by Constance X on Sunday, September 06, 2009 - 3:00 PM
[Reply to this
Ree Ree
Slutty McSlutterson

 
I like anything with the word dicking included.
 
Posted by Ree Ree on Monday, September 07, 2009 - 11:30 PM
[Reply to this
SaintJimmy

 
I like money and sex. Wanna be best friends?
 
Posted by SaintJimmy on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 7:43 PM
[Reply to this
Matthias
Matthias B.

 
right?

On every street, no less. We're so fucked :D

 
Posted by Matthias on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 6:21 PM
[Reply to this
Magnus Thorvardson
Chris Smith

 
Absolutely fucking golden!  Bravo, Patton!  By the way, new album is sweet!

 
Posted by Magnus Thorvardson on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 5:57 PM
[Reply to this
Josh

 
Long Live the Great State of MANtana!

 
Posted by Josh on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 5:57 PM
[Reply to this
DANatomically Correct
Dan Nollette

 
just Mantana? Where's the love for Manesota?

 
Posted by DANatomically Correct on Sunday, September 06, 2009 - 12:16 PM
[Reply to this
LEROY!!!!
Leroy Sanchez

 
AWESOME!!!!



 
Posted by LEROY!!!! on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 5:59 PM
[Reply to this
Christian

 
thank you for a quality laugh while making me feel awful about my country
 
Posted by Christian on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 5:59 PM
[Reply to this
Le Grande Guignol
William Tooker

 
seconded.

 
Posted by Le Grande Guignol on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 6:28 PM
[Reply to this
St(k)yle
Kyle Shelley

 
..And I thought the "no child left behind" thing was pretty air-tight... how about that...
 
Posted by St(k)yle on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 6:00 PM
[Reply to this
Jim

 
Do these people realize they've all just justified why it IS so important for Obama to tell kids to study hard and get an education?

 
Posted by Jim on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 6:01 PM
[Reply to this
GODSPACE By SoonerManny
Manny Whitlock

 
LOL, Ain't that the truth.  I gotta share that comment lol
 
Posted by GODSPACE By SoonerManny on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 9:27 PM
[Reply to this
Pavlicek
Justin Pavlicek

 
Fuck, I hate people.

 
Posted by Pavlicek on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 6:02 PM
[Reply to this
Ben
Ben Prowett

 
..Yeah! My thoughts exactly!..
 
Posted by Ben on Monday, September 07, 2009 - 4:25 PM
[Reply to this
Laura

 
Haha WOW. Sarcasm is utterly lost on some people. How horrible and hilarious.

 
Posted by Laura on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 6:02 PM
[Reply to this
The Schnoz
Al Tepes

 
I'm pretty sure at least a couple of those are genuinely sarcastic.  Lol.  They're either very good or very ..bad.. at it.

 
Posted by The Schnoz on Sunday, September 06, 2009 - 10:11 PM
[Reply to this
Maggie Murder [[of NvasionRadio.com]]

 
patton's NOT being sarcastic...

*looks around* who's being sarcastic here??

 
Posted by Maggie Murder [[of NvasionRadio.com]] on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 6:29 PM
[Reply to this
M ayub m
Ayub Mb

 
no i dont think its so nice to be sarcastic to any one
you have kind heart nice geting to know u dropm me mail (ayubmb@gmail.com/ayubmb@myspace.com


 
Posted by M ayub m on Thursday, October 01, 2009 - 4:07 PM
[Reply to this
John
John Anderson

 
holy shit
seriously, do these people even listen to your stand-up?

 
Posted by John on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 6:03 PM
[Reply to this
Erin Rose
Erin Chase

 
I laugh because if I didn't, I'd cry.
 
Posted by Erin Rose on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 6:03 PM
[Reply to this
LKW

 
concur.

 
Posted by LKW on Sunday, September 06, 2009 - 4:42 PM
[Reply to this
Rob
Rob Haney

 
My question is why are so many people with such an utter lack of a sense of humor friends with a comedian to begin with

 
Posted by Rob on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 6:07 PM
[Reply to this
Kristi
Kristi Stratton

 
oh... my... god... people are so fucking stupid.
 
Posted by Kristi on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 6:07 PM
[Reply to this
kevin

 
Yes Osama supporters are. He has no clue what he is doing, just doing the wishes of his father and the people of Kenya, his birthplace
 
Posted by kevin on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 6:22 PM
[Reply to this
Kara
Kara Zimmerman

 
Osama was born in Kenya?  Weird- I thought he was born in Saudi Arabia... Which video was it, where Osama said, "I learned it by watching YOU, Dad?" 

Umm...if you're not being brilliantly ironic- you're a fucktard.


 
Posted by Kara on Sunday, September 06, 2009 - 7:05 AM
[Reply to this
Token Mixed Girl
Tasha G.

 
"just doing the wishes of his father and the people of Kenya, his birthplace"

... which are...

 
Posted by Token Mixed Girl on Sunday, September 06, 2009 - 5:45 AM
[Reply to this
Jim

 
Hey look everyone, one of those dumbasses made it over here!

 
Posted by Jim on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 9:56 PM
[Reply to this
LKW

 
lol

 
Posted by LKW on Sunday, September 06, 2009 - 4:43 PM
[Reply to this
Eric Rahn
Eric Rahn

 
I guess that's better than saying he has a socialist "agenda".  Well, a little better anyway.
 
Posted by Eric Rahn on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 8:02 PM
[Reply to this
~ * Chance Happening * ~
Sara Martin

 
And you are the dumbest person I  have read type all day.. good luck with that..
 
Posted by ~ * Chance Happening * ~ on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 7:22 PM
[Reply to this
kevin

 
At least you have a sense of humor with your gag family portrait, good job!
 
Posted by kevin on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 7:27 PM
[Reply to this
Le Grande Guignol
William Tooker

 
And there's one now.

 
Posted by Le Grande Guignol on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 6:29 PM
[Reply to this
Super Comics
Robert Wronski

 
My funny observatons:  1)  These people must have you as a friend to see your status come up on thier page.  But they say you are not funny.  So they love unfunny comediens?  2)  They say they love freedom of speech, so shut up because you have no right to talk that way...
....And I'm really getting sick of stupid people on both sides who say one thing under one president, and then say the complete opposite under the next one.  They are hippocrites, and the ones on TV are the stupid hippocrites, because everytime they say something stupid, someone like Jon Stewart finds footage from before the election when they are saying the opposite.....
....I feel for you, Patton.  People never get my sarcasm either.  And I'm way less funny than you...
 
Posted by Super Comics on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 6:08 PM
[Reply to this
Matthew

 
You are right on point!  People including myself were so critical of the mass of blind supporters for our former administration and they way people would say he is our president and he is doing what is best for the country and if you don't support him you are unpatriotic.  Now it's the other party and it's the same argument except we just flipped sides.  Wake up people and think for yourselves!  The mainstream media is owned and controlled by a small few and their agenda isn't far from the same.  Look up the big 6 that own the media and learn something today.

 
Posted by Matthew on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 9:21 PM
[Reply to this
*Live Laugh Love*

 
I am not a friend of Patton's...His status...just like most celebrities...shows up on the front page...and I read it...

 
Posted by *Live Laugh Love* on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 8:39 PM
[Reply to this
Super Comics
Robert Wronski

 
And I stand by my typos.
 
Posted by Super Comics on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 6:09 PM
[Reply to this
PandaTeeth . 「prophe†-13 」

 
You should put these in an act <3 It's absolute gold. I'm also frightened for my future if any of them come to run it.

 
Posted by PandaTeeth . 「prophe†-13 」 on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 6:08 PM
[Reply to this
Shitbird
Grayson Kendall

 
Come on Patton, you heard the "person", why you hatin'?

 
Posted by Shitbird on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 6:08 PM
[Reply to this
Ashkon
Ashkon Stone

 
I've just finished shoving a.. large.. spoon up my ass so I could get over the pain my brain just received.

 
Posted by Ashkon on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 6:08 PM
[Reply to this
LKW

 
haha

 
Posted by LKW on Sunday, September 06, 2009 - 4:44 PM
[Reply to this
M-A-R-C
Marc Moore

 
Half of these people should probably seek to improve their grammer and spelling. A little more time on the books and less time worried about what Patton Oswalt, who is funnier than a bus full of retards at the shiny object factory, is saying on Myspace. This is a big part of why Obama is needing to speak the youth if this country. Kudos to you, Patton. Kick ass and chew gum until you run out of gum, then just kick ass.
 
Posted by M-A-R-C on Saturday, September 05, 2009 - 6:09 PM
[Reply to this
Shelly is letting Calgon take me away!

 
that's grammar not grammer!
 
Posted by Shelly is letting Calgon take me away! on Sunday, September 06, 2009 - 5:31 AM
[Reply to this
Listing 1-50 of 478