At the age of 13 I was looking for some fireworks that I knew my father kept in a gun case. I knew where the keys were and was getting into the fireworks when I found a video tape, I was not sure what it was and so I played it in the VCR. The nest images I saw would for ever stay in my head and completely change my life. This was my first encounter with pornography and unfortunately not my last. It was here that I learned about masturbation, how to be with a women and how they wanted to be treated. This was my sex education and more. This led me to how I would treat my girlfriends in high school; like toys, sexual figures not caring about their emotional or physical condition. To me they were for sex and that was all I had in mind. In high school the guys that I hung out with also looked at pornography and would talk about it like it was the cool thing to do. This only put more fuel to my fire and desire to look at it more and more. It seemed to me that this is what everyone did, it was normal.
I met my wife at a department store that we both worked at.; she was raised in a large Christian Family. I feel as though I stole her innocence from her by quilting her into sleeping with me while we were dating. I had some movies and she and I would watch them together from time to time. She really did not think anything about it, as she thought it was just something that men did. When we were first married the sex was great so I did not feel the need for the porn any longer.
We had our first child; it was after this that I started to look at large excessive amounts of pornography. Spending many hours late into the evening I would search the internet for pornography for several hours at a time. When the free sites did not satisfy me any longer I started to go to the sites that required payment. It was while doing this that my wife first caught me. Looking at the phone bill there was a service for an internet site that I had been too. She was shocked to see this on our bill and I told her that it was a mistake and that I would take care of it. This was all that happened at that time, I was so grateful that my dirty little secret was still kept. Now not only was I looking at it at home late at night, I was also looking at it at work. Rearranging my desk so that if someone came walking in that they would not see it and I could "change" the screen. At one point during this time I figured I would look at porn between 20 – 30 hours out of my 40 hour work week. Lying to my wife Darcy about having to work overtime because I was so swamped at work, the truth was I had looked at porn all day and had work to get done now.
The first big turn in my life was finding a church that I loved. My wife and I started to lead small groups in bible studies. It was here that I would finally let the secret out. I was asking for help from others that were leaders but, they did not seem to understand the depth of trouble I was in and did nothing. I had been growing in my faith at great strides till one day I seem to hit a road block that would stall me for several months. I started to ask my self why this was happening and I couldn't find the answer. I was at a stand still and not moving anywhere. I remember one night coming home from work having the same conversation as I did every night with God. How ever this time I was pissed off and very angry with him; "how could you step away from me while things were going so good?" I was literally screaming out load in my car at him for abandoning me. When out of no were I hear in my head "you know why! PORN".
That Sunday it was announced in our church that it was holding and event called Porn and Pancakes for our men's ministry. The event was put on by a ministry called XXXChurch.com. I remember sitting there thinking to my self this would be a great event for the men in my small group. I went to the desk and bought enough tickets for me and the guys in my small group.
My wife and I were leading our small group at our home the week before Porn and Pancakes. I felt the need to tell my group and wife that I was struggling with pornography, I do not know why I felt the need to do this then but, I got the secret out and in the presence of good God fearing friends.
Porn and Pancakes was held on a Saturday and I meet the guys in our group at church. During the event they played a video of a man named Bill and his journey down Porn Boulevard. His addiction took him from small viewing all the way to having child porn on his computer. He was caught and is now serving time in a federal prison. This scared the crap out of me. Would this be me? Would it take me this far? I did not want to go that far and with out making it obvious I cried at that moment. After this we heard from an ex-porn producer named Donny Pauling. He shared his story and how he saw first hand the damage that was caused in the porn industry. I was so moved by what he was saying that I felt I need to stop this now.
After the event I spoke with some friends and was heading on my way out the door but, found my self turning around. It was the Holy Spirit that pushed me back into the church where I met J.R. Mahon, one of the pastors of XXXchurch. I was shaking so badly and sweating like it was a hundred degrees outside. I laid everything out for him and told him I wanted to end this now. As I was doing this the pastor from my church came up to thank J.R. for coming. It was an awkward few minutes, then a group of men came over from XXXchurch and they all laid hands on me and prayed for me, my pastor included.
After that moment I knew what I needed to do, I drove home thinking about what had just happened and how free I was feeling. Someone else knows that I have a problem; I now know I'm not alone and they are helping me with it. As I walked into our house I saw my wife and I grabbed her and hugged the life out of her saying I love you so much. I walked away from her at this point and went to our bedroom. Not saying a word I got all of the magazines and movies that I had collected and started a fire in our fireplace. As I knelt down by the fire I took all the items and threw them in the fire. My wife and I never said a word I just sat there watching the stuff burn. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off of me.
After all of this my wife and I have been very open with each other and have found out why some things were they way they were. Reflecting back on the ten years we had been married I could only count a handful of times I had been with my wife sexually the God had intended. The other times I was living out my fantasies I had seen online or imagining other people instead of her. After about 4 months of being clean I asked my wife out of curiosity what changes so has noticed so far. Her response was that my temper has diminished, our relationship was growing closer, and that I was happier. The next thing she would tell me set me way back. This is when I realized the damage porn had caused in our marriage. She told me the she was no longer afraid of me. My wife afraid of me; she proceeded to tell me that she felt as though she couldn't do anything any more with out me some how trying to have sex with her. She would go to bed early and fake that she was sleeping so that I would leave her alone or wait till I was in bed and asleep. I had made our own marriage a real life nightmare for her.
Since then my life has grown in so many different ways, my wife and I are more open and have a better relationship. My faith has grown so much that I can not even begin to tell how different it is for me. I have been porn free for almost one year now, this was not easy but I have accountability partners, family and above all God.