A short play, by Danniel Linn.
For SW/SC's first annual Once Upon a Weekend Play Festival

This play is like an 80's song that takes itself too seriously, and ends up being funny. What if Foreigner had recorded "Jukebox Hero" not thinking that they were the best band in the whole entire universe? It would be a terrible song… And that's what will happen if this play is not treated ridiculously dramatic. Therefore, these characters are intended to be played super convincing, and very serious.

Silence is golden. It's extremely important that actors are memorized and confident in what they're saying. Timing is everything. I wrote no blocking… it may seem like the characters are stagnant throughout the entire play, they should not be. There are several… actually, a majority of Harley's lines are quotes from bad inspirational 80's songs—this is how he gives himself confidence. If this were a movie, the soundtrack would include bands like Asia, Journey, Winger, Whitesnake, Foreigner, Pat Benetar, oh, and did I mention Journey? The characters in this play are young, Heartache to heartache they stand—no promises, no demands. They are also strong, and nobody can tell them that they're wrong. They search their hearts for so long, and they all know, love is a battlefield.

The stage is open to interpretation, do what you will with it. But this isn't a very 'stagey' play. The plot, and the humor all lie in dialogue. The play does take place in two places, though: An apartment living room, and a street corner.


Characters:
Harley Erdman (Male): Harley is the strongest character in the play, both physically, and mentally. He is grounded, and smart, especially when it comes to relationships, and girls. However, he is not very good at expressing his emotions… so he resorts to inspirational 80's music. His favorite movie is The Karate Kid, and he secretly wishes he were Ralph Macchio. He is very straightforward, and means everything he says, no matter how ridiculous it sounds.

Bertrand M. Hochwald (Male, Gender Neutral): Bertrand is from a very Christian family. He goes to Church three days a week. He is constantly quoting scripture, and is the most neurotic character in the play; but he doesn't let it show. He doesn't have many girlfriends, and is usually awkward around girls. Yet, when the stars align, he gains confidence, and is able to win one for the team. But he is still painfully awkward.

Erika Siegel (Female): Erika will go on to marry rich, after two divorces. She is very pretty, and fairly superficial. But she tries not to be. She has been dating Harley for quite a while, and she stays with him because he is extremely handsome.

Wealthy Thompson (Female): IRONY ALERT! Wealthy is poor. Optimistic… but poor.




[Lights up, Bertrand is on his knees in the living room of his apartment, which he shares with Harley. Bertrand is playing with dolls made of duct tape. One doll represents his preacher, the other doll represents him.]

Bertrand: (as preacher) "Therefore, he who has any of the following defects may not come forward: he who is blind, or lame, or who has any disfigurement or malformation. Leviticus 21:18." (As Bertrand) Oh preacher, you're so full of the Spirit.... Kiss me. (As preacher) Oh, well, I don't know if I should do tha-- (as Bertrand) Shut up and kiss me.

[Bertrand mimes dolls kissing, which is basically just mashing the two together]

[Erika and Harley enter stage right. They are holding hands, attached. Bertrand quickly stashes the dolls away, and acknowledges the couple.]

Harley: Listen girl-- We've been dating for what? Three years, and I just don't know if we're ready to further this relationship. I've got my whole life in front of me, baby. My band's finally taking off, and, well—I'm on this midnight train.

[Erika interrupts]

Erika: Harley, I don--

[He cuts her off and presses his finger to her lips, the ultimate chauvinist move]

Harley: Shhhhh-- Shh-- shh-- shh. It's all right, baby. [Gives her a mercy peck on the cheek.]
Don't fret, you're great, I mean-- I'm just preparing myself for the future, I AM the future, and you're just another girl. [He starts to walk away...] (Over shoulder) The end. I do Diesel ads.
[Exits stage left]

[Erika looking sad. Bertrand glances in all directions.]

Bertrand: Listen, Erika, I know you're feeling a lot of difficult emotions right now, but you've got to work through. You know, the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right (pointing to self) for you might not be right for some. Are you Christian, Erika, because as it says in Hosea "I will make her like the desert. Reduce her to an arid land, and slay her with thirst."

Erika: (Raises eyes to meet his) That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.
[The two embrace.]

Bertrand: Look I haven't really done this before. So, are we dating now, or what?

Erika: (laughs) Yeah.

[Blackout. Lights up on Harley standing on the street.]

Harley: I don't need her. I don't need anybody. (Thinks to himself) But wait. This is more than a feeling. (Thinks a bit longer.) Did I really want to let her go? It just happened. I just felt it and it happened. But what was it? It was the heat of the moment. It was the heat of the moment. (Visibly upset) And now she's with Bertrand?! The penitent man will NOT pass. Thanks, Indy. (Double-pounds chest, kisses hand and raises it skyward.) (Realizes suddenly) I gotta get her back… But how?... (Moment of inspiration) Jealousy!

[Wealthy enters, poor and wretched in ratty clothes, from stage left. Harley looks around, scanning horizon. Harley sees Wealthy and points at her.]

Harley: You.

Wealthy: (gestures at self, confused, shy) Me?

Harley: (nods head) Here. Now.

[Erika sidles up to Harley.]

Harley: We're dating. (Aside, to audience, breaks the fourth wall real cool) I do Diesel ads.

[Blackout. Return to the apartment, with Bertrand stroking Erika's hair.]

Erika: (Playfully, but devastatingly curious) What's going on here? What are you doing?

Bertrand: "If a woman has long hair, it is her glory, because it has been given." 1 Corinthians 11:15.

Erika: What does that even mean?

Bertrand: You're so beautiful.

Erika: Bert, this is getting a little weird. We've been together for what? Two hours?

Bertrand: It's five o'clock? More like three.

Erika: Three hours, and you're already acting like we're married.

Bertrand: Well, as it says in Exodus 21:10, "If he take him another wife"--

Erika: Okay... enough of the scripture

[Harley enters with Wealthy, his leverage.]

Harley: Hey everybody, look at my new girl. Isn't she gorgeous? People need to realize, her name is Wealthy.

Wealthy: (interjects, confidently)But I'm not really rich. I'm poor. It's ironic, really.

Harley: Shut up, Wealthy. (To others) She's great. (Trying to sound important) Uh, stock and trade. Down payment. Mortgage. Liabilities. Owner's equity. Return on investment--

Bertrand: (to Harley) Enough. I know what you're trying to do. [Erika embarrassed, distancing herself.] The lord knows what you're trying to do.

[Erika's standing in back with arms crossed, shaking head as if disappointed.]

Harley: (continuously getting more and more irritated) What am I trying to do? Huh? What am I trying to do?

Bertrand: You want Erika back. And you're trying to use Wealthy to make her jealous.

Harley: What? No I don't. Wealthy is not a piece of meat, do NOT bring Wealthy in to this. Wealthy is a saint.

Bertrand: Then why are you here? Erika's moved on!

[Bertrand pulls Erika close. Erika looks dismayed, almost powerless.]

Harley: (with conviction)
I've realized... you're the best around. Nothing's gonna ever keep you down, and some day, love will find you, break those chains that bind you! And if we don't get back together, one night will remind you how we touched and went our separate ways! Erika, I would walk 500 miles. Hell, I'd walk 500 more just to be the man who walks a thousand miles to fall down at your door.

Wealthy: That was beautiful Harley (clings to Harley's arm).

[Harley pusher her away]

Harley: Separate ways, Wealthy. Separate ways.

Erika: Hosea 2:9... Then she shall say, 'I will go back to my first husband, for it was better with me then than now.'

Bertrand: Oh Jesus Christ...

[All of a sudden, Wealthy steps in, she has just put together that Harley has used her to get back at Erika]

Wealthy: Wait a second… so I was just a pawn in your game, Harley? I was just a tool?

Harley: (Staring in to Erika's eyes) You weren't even a pawn. You were just leverage, baby.

Wealthy: Look Harley. I may not have money. But I have something that's worth so much more, something that actually has meaning, something with substance… food stamps. And that gives me free bread, and half priced turkey on Wednesdays. (Matter-of-factly, but sexy at the same time, as if her sentiments are extremely attractive) You know where I'm staying.

[She exits]

[Erika and Harley hug, they're back together. Maybe they even share a kiss if the actors are up to it. Erika is actually just happier to be away from Bertrand, than to be back with Harley, however, Harley totally knows that he IS the best around, and that nothing's gonna ever break him down. He always gets the girl… and he does Diesel ads.

Bertrand is standing awkwardly behind Erika and Harley, looking down. He looks disappointed, but then, he reaches in to his pocket, and sees his two duct tape dolls. He smiles, and begins to exit. On his way out, he catches eyes with Harley, and they give each other the obligatory "it's okay" head nod. The feeling of this scene is the same feeling you get when you listen to the song "You're The Best" by Joe Esposito at about 2 minutes and 5 seconds in.]

Harley: Poor people are funny.

Erika: (laughs, agreeably as she speaks) Yeah… (Breathy giggle) Yeah. They are

[[[Possible songs to end the play (and songs this play was based on may I suggest starting the right before Harley says his last line?):
"Heat of the Moment" by Asia
"You're the Best" by Joe Esposito
"Love Is A Battlefield" by Pat Benatar
"Don't Stop Believing" by Journey
"Separate Ways" by Journey
"500 Miles" by The Proclaimers
"Dance Hall Days" by Wang Chung
"Say It Isn't So" by The Outfield]]]