-Someone called me last saturday at like 9am and I was in bed and half asleep when I answered the phone and they started like reprimanding me for not being up yet. You ever have someone get mad at you for not being up just because they're up? They're like "What the hell?! You're still in bed?! It's 9am! I already went jogging and played tennis! Why are you in bed?" "Ahh...because I'm not you. Why do I have to be up because you're up? Why do I have to be like you?"

I don't do that. I don't call up people and get mad at them for not doing what I'm doing.  I don't call people at 3 in the morning like, "You're asleep?! Why aren't you drunk and masturbating to the weather channel while crying?! I can't believe you're not me you asshole!"

-The new M. Night Shymalan movie that's coming out keeps being pushed as his "first R-rated movie." How is this supposed to make me go see this? The problem with his previous movies hasn't been the rating it's been that the movie sucks dick.   In this one am I gonna be like, "Man this sucks but at least everyone's saying 'fuck' over and over."

How desperate is he getting?  After his last movie were the studio execs like, "M. Night, dude, you're next one better at least have boobs in it to distract everyone from your shitty writing."  If this one bombs he's gonna have to take it even further.

"This summer M. Night Shymalan presents his first movie where a midget fucks Jenna Jameson in the ass."