It's been a wonderful day here, filled with the laughter of children, their voices filled with cheer and merriment. Or at least I'm sure they would be if they weren't boiled for my traditional Christmas dinner, which, might I add, was delicious.

Christmas kind of confuses me, for a variety of reasons. And just to annoy/offend any of those hardcore religious types, I'm going to refer to Christmas from here on out as Xmas. (Just be glad I'm not taking this a step further.)

Setting out the Yule log is a Xmas tradition, while Santa allegedly comes down said chimney with all sorts of Xmas goodies. It is my speculation that the Yule log tradition was started as a plot against the jolly fatman. Wouldn't it be a surprise for old St. Nick going down the chimney to spread Xmas cheer when all the sudden he realizes that he's in an inferno of swirling flames, pain, and 3rd degree burns? But apparently that suit is made for more than keeping him warm in the cold. Hell, it may even serve as a hazmat suit in case of nuclear war. Santa would want to stay nice and safe in case any other country was concerned about his exploitation of elf-labor with no pay. No wonder they're so small, the poor fellow are probably undernourished. They may even be Ethiopian.

Not to mention Santa's obvious health issues. His cholesterol is no doubt raging out of control from all those cookies and all that milk. How this man isn't diabetic is beyond me. In fact, the only explanation that seems reasonable is that he actually happens to be anorexic(There's no way his stomach could hold 300 million cookies and some 100 million glasses of milk), and has a disorder that causes him to gain weight despite whatever it is that he's fed, like on that episode of House with the baby. This of course would imply that Santa is chugging down all that energy and throwing it back up, which could instead be used to help third world countries whose citizens are starving to death by the millions. But again, a man who cares so little about feeding those whose labor directly benefits him no doubt isn't too concerned about said third world countries.

And all this of course would be much to the elves' torment. No wonder that one elf wanted to be a dentist. Between the obvious lack of benefits due to the location/conditions of their labor and fights for the fatman's scraps, there was probably an urgent need for a dentist.

I don't even want to get into the part about him being able to "see you when you're sleeping" or "knowing when you're awake", and his fascination with having children sit on his lap as they say whether or not they've been a good or bad girl or boy.

Frankly, I find much of the matter disturbing. But aside from that, I hope that all of you have enjoyed your Xmas, and got all the gifts you may have wanted from Santa's overworked and underfed elves who build copyrighted and patented toys and devices for children of only one religion mainly celebrated in the most successful and advanced nations in the world.