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Current mood:  bouncy
If you tuned in to my blog last week, then you saw my complaints about penis-related spam.
Unfortunately, it doesn't look like the spammers were reading because I continue to receive an impressive collection of offers that will make my manhood larger, thicker and graced with amazing ejaculation.
This would all be fabulous if I actually had a dick but alas... I don't. So, since I seemed to be destined to receive every phallic-influenced email that crosses the great wide web, I thought the least I could do is help them on their marketing tactics.
First on my list is "Megadik". Their latest email has a subject heading that reads:
We are here for you and your penis! Megadik makes it just mega-large!
Okay, the most obvious critique here is the separation of me and my penis. If you're here for my penis, then I'd be coming along for the ride wouldn't I? And vice-versa for that matter. Its not like you've got some side deal going with the second head that the first one doesn't know about nor am I looking to surprise "my little buddy" with a gift of majestic granduer. Shh... I can't wait to see his expression when he wakes up and sees how much he's grown!
And guys, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't "here for you" more of a chick-statement than something you'd say to a man? Bruno doesn't want to hear that you're "here for him" and neither does his penis since we're giving him a vote. What he (and his junk) wants to know is that you've got something that will get him laid, guaranteed, no questions asked.
Am I right?
So, I'm thinking something like:
Megadik... how long has it been since you had a good fuck?
Or.. Megadik. For the mega "O".
Okay, on to 2...
Manster is your new weapon.
Manster? Seriously??? Shit, why not go ahead and call it "Probester" or "Thruster"? Or for that matter, just cut to the chase and call it "Big Dick Pill".
Now there's a product that men would buy - "Get Your 30-Day Free Trial of the Big Dick Pill Here!".
There you go... another penis-marketing campaign catastrophe narrowly avoided. Your welcome.
The last highlight of this rendition of "does your dick-pill marketing suck?" is:
Ordinary guys have ordinary sex.
I don't know about you, but if I get my cookies, there was nothing ordinary about it. And if I did have a penis, I seriously doubt I'd be jumping to go stand in the "ordinary" line. I mean, I might buy a fancy sports car or a big house to create the illusion of a larger endowment, but just come right out and say that its mediocre? No fucking way. And speaking for me and my imaginary penis, I have to say I'm just a little bit insulted at the implications.
So there.
4:16 AM
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