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Current mood:  depressed
There is nothing special about today, but ive been wanting to write for a wile. I am happy, but i am sad at the same time. I Have lost my motivation to do good in school. Stress is all that fills my mind. I still live with my mother, and so far nothing has changed, honestly she has probably gotten worse. She crashed my car, and got us evicted from our apartment. but honestly I am not as saddend by these things as i would be, everything my mom does i am expectant of, and it doesnt surprise me. I feel like i am the parent in the situation, i am more mature then her, i feel like a single mother with an out of control child and nobody else in the world to help me take care of it. The reason i dont wish to have children probably becasue ive kind have experianced being a mother for enough time already, and at way to young of an age. It is very frustrating for me because most mothers have their own mothers there to help them, but if my own mother is my child, there is nobody. I am now 16, and i am going on my 8th month anniversery with my beloved dillon<3 he is what motivates me to do anything anymore, and with out him i would be allot worse off. i am being pulled out the door at the current moment, so i shll continue this at a later date.
4/1/08
Continueation....
I am depressed. My life is in shambles. I cant deal with the frustration i have. I go to school, I really dont want to do my homework but i attempt to do it anyway. My mom doent let me go to school if i miss the bus, and when i am at school, shes started to come to the office again. Honestly I am beyond frustrated right now. I just want to get an apartment bymyself away from my mom, I would do anything to either have her go back to normal, or get away from her. I miss my normal life, i miss the vacations id go on, i miss the mom who i used to know. I miss the kind lady who would let me do almost anything as long as it wasnt effecting me in a negitive way, but still was a great parent. Also, I miss my grandmother, she was always there for me when i needed someone to talk to or somewhere to go. Since she passed away I feel like i have barely anybody there for me. The only person I feel I can talk to is Dillon, and to be honest, its hard to talk to him, because I feel he has enough stress on his shoulders he doesnt need all mine too. But every time i hesitate to call him when im crying and upset, i do anyway because i know he will be there for me, even though it hurts him to hear me cry and have nothing he can do. I know he loves me I really do, because most people would just be like "Peace" and leave because they dont want to deal with it, but he is loyal to me and he cares and wants me to get help for myself and get out of this situation. He also sometimes says i can do better. the truth is, i have alot of problems in my life and within myself and most guys wouldnt put up with that shit, I really dont think that there is a better guy out there for me i mean yeah theres guys with nice cars and nice jobs and a whole ton of money to support me, but fuck that shit, i want someone who I love, someone who i feel all my problems melt away when im in there arms, and thats something money cant buy. My mom once told me you can love a rich man just as much as a poor man, go mfor the rich one, but i love who i love and thats that. i'm done writeing for today. cause i have allot of homework so i shall write again soon.
8/3/08
"URGHH!!! ever since i walked in the door, im stressed and everything is going wrong! i fucking hate coming home. i got yelled at the first thing when i walk in the door, then i get food pushed in my face and then right after called fat. my mom is a psycho. i just wanna leave, i dont even have a car to go and drive somewhere or sleep in or some shit when things get tough. I dont even have a locking door, let alone a door that can even close properly. ugh coming home makes me so depressed...."*note to self* figure something out for this up coming school year."
I havent written in a wile, but thats because everything is the same. i am still depressed and now i have become more self conscious about not only my body but my mind as well. I find myself fighting within myself over stupid little things, and i cant help but think negitively when put into a place to think by myself. I feel as if i am a horrible person and nobody needs me. I have happy moments too where i can joke around and be happy but when i feel the sadness it brings down everything. My one year is coming up in a few weeks, i hope everything goes according to plan. I want it to be an amazing night to remember. Also ive been feeling like dillon has been getting a little bit distant from me at times, but its only because ive been doing that to him most likely. I dont even know anymore, im so .....confused with my life. I WANT to feel happy and not give a rats ass about what people think of me, but i cant help but tell myself that people hate me and dont want to be around me. I dont know anymore i need to train myself i need something to make this pain go away.
2:44 AM
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