WARNING: THIS IS THE SCARIEST REVIEW OF ALL TIME
Mike: (English accent) Greetings and salutations. He’s not Mike.
Ike: (Southern accent) He ain’t Ike. Strap in, nuggets, and ya better take notes. There will be a quiz.
M: It started in 1974 with the release of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The main characters—our heroes, if you will—are either nondescript or just really annoying. Last 20 minutes of the film, I wanted Sally to die so she’d shut the hell up!
I: Jump cut ta 1980. Friday the 13th makes the blueprint for pretty much every studio “horror” flick ever since: annoyin’ people die either before, durin’, or after sex cause someone got seriously boned in the past.
M: And horror films stopped trying to push limits and became all about nasty things happening to nasty people.
I: And with the release of home video, they became all ‘bout zombies.
M: There are four character types in horror films now: idiots, assholes, virgins, and sluts
I: Pick one from column A, one from column B, then move on to the next victim.
M: Granted, this cookie cutter character creation works for pretty much every film genre nowadays, but it hurts horror the most. You need likeable characters so the bad stuff has some kind of emotional resonance otherwise it’s nothing but
I: Nasty things happenin’ ta nasty people.
M: Which brings us to Paranormal Activity or, as we like to call it: Blair Witch 2: Electric Bugaloo.
I: Ten years ago, The Blair Witch Project used a fairly new porn gatherin’ tool called the internet ta create a media sensation usually reserved for, well-porn! The flick, which was made for about thirty six bucks, grossed over 84 billion durin’ its initial release.
M: It featured three fairly annoying college students who decide to film themselves dying in mysterious ways so they can get on a few talk shows and not work in the industry again.
I: Was the flick good? Not really. It’s 70 minutes of these schmucks whinin’ and 11 minutes of somethin’ happenin’ that we can’t see cause they shot it in Epilepsy Vision.
M: But people went to see it in droves—
I: What IS a drove?
M: Two and a half throngs.
I: Okay.
M: Well, Paranormal Activity is a lot like Blair Witch. It was shot for ten dollars in the director’s bedroom, and the producers’ used the internet to create a sensation that the film really doesn’t deserve.
I: Paranormal Activity features a fairly annoying couple who set up a video camera ta record the title of the flick which is happenin’ in their bedroom.
M: And like Blair Witch, the first hour is filled with little scares and lots of whining.
I: Unlike Blair Witch, the last half hour is scary and won’t make ya throw up.
M: We wish we’d seen this film before the hype machine took over. Don’t get us wrong. It’s a brilliant marketing campaign.
I: And for that reason alone, we’re happy for the success it’s getting.’
M: But after hearing for months that this “was the scariest film of all time,” and seeing all the video of the sheeple screaming and coping feels, we walked into this prepared for “the scariest film of all time.”
I: And, sorry guys, but High School Musical 3 still has the title.
M: We also might have liked this a little more if the leads weren’t so realistically annoying.
I: We don’t wanna see our neighbors deal with ghosts. We don’t wanna see our neighbors.
M: So Paranormal Activity IS worth seeing.
I: It’s the little movie that could with the help of a good PR rep.
M: And it t-bagged Saw VI this week-end, which makes us happy.
I: Just don’t go in thinkin’ it’s the scariest flick ever.
M: Then who knows, it just might be.
I: Namaste.