ETON:  Wow.  Wasn’t expecting that.  Okay, what did you think of Fiend Without a Face?

LARRY:  Awesome, ahead of its time, off the surreal-o-meter, vivid classic of scifi-horror with a climax that still is still absolutely riveting.  Besides, I've always been a sucker for a good siege.

MIKE:  And we’ve always been suckers for killer brain films!

Everyone at the table looks at our heroes, then return to their conversation.

ETON:  Okay, how about House on Haunted Hill?

IKE:  Original or remake?

PAUSE while Eton stares at him, then looks at Larry.

LARRY:  Disappoints me now.  Frankly, a couple scares, but surprisingly few in this fan fave.  The setup is such that I always expect more than it ultimately delivers.  I have other Castle favorites.

ETON:  The Ghost of Dragstrip Hollow.

MIKE:  Haven’t seen that one in years!

Everyone looks again, and then returns to their talk.

LARRY:  I remember moderately enjoying this several years ago.  Doesn’t The She Creature make an appearance?

IKE:  Yep.

ETON: (Ignoring Ike) Here’s one for you:  Queen of Outer Space.

LARRY:  Wacky widescreen wonder-fun.  Campy, enjoyable astronauts-meet-space-babes 50s fave.  Zsa Zsa is awful (and far from the best looking space babe here--check 'em out!).  We have the same spider-in-cave used in countless low budge scifi, and two--COUNT 'EM, TWO--wiseass astronauts in the specially selected crew.  A nice addition (and sweet print) to that recent Warner’s DVD release.

ETON:  What’s your favorite film genre?

LARRY:  Movies.  Really, I dig most genres: scifi-horror rocks--frankly I like that genre more than scifi or horror.  That would include much of the 50s output, ALIEN, both versions of THE THING, ISLAND OF TERROR, SLITHER, so many more.  Love: westerns, crime, film noir, comedy, period adventure, war.

ETON:  Any movies you can watch over and over?

LARRY: Oh hell, yes.  All my faves.  We're due to watch ZULU and WHERE EAGLES DARE again.  Carpenter's THE THING this Halloween, probably JAWS too.  Hitchcock's SABOTEUR.  Will rewatch two recent discoveries again soon I'm betting: THE YELLOW BALLOON and PAYROLL, both gritty 1950s UK crime dramas that I frikkin' loved.  ENEMY FROM SPACE, great scifi, WENT THE DAY WELL, 40s flick about English village taken over by Nazis.  So many more.

ETON:  Ever walked out of (Or turned off) a film?

LARRY: Recently, turned off THE PROPOSITION.  I dunno, just wasn't in mood for that down-and-dirty/nasty.  Wasn't BAD at all--we just weren't in the headset.  Don't think I've ever walked out on one in theatre.
 
ETON:  Favorite musical?

LARRY:  Ha!  You are funny.
 
ETON:  Do you still see movies in the theatre?

LARRY:  Yes.  Most recently 1949 western THE LAST BANDIT at Cinecon.  It was terrific.
 
ETON:  Name a few recent movies you liked.

LARRY:  I LOVE YOU MAN.  No, I mean the movie.  Paul Rudd = genius, and the film is smart and hilarious.  INFESTATION was a total surprise: funny, scary, well-acted, written and scored monster bugfest.  Loved it.  And it was on SyFy!!!  SERAPHIM FALLS, excellent western with fine Pierce Brosnan performance.

ETON:  What TV shows do you like?

LARRY:  Well, not too much right now.  We went through that big OZZIE AND HARRIET DVD set a little while ago.  We were amazed: that's a much funnier, more mental, series than people think.  We'll watch LOST, CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM when they return, and previously followed DEADWOOD and THE SOPRANOS.  I was watching the old western series CHEYENNE on the Westerns Channel for a while.  We love RAWHIDE and only stopped watching cause the DVD releases from Paramount/CBS seem to be on hold.  Other faves: THE OUTER LIMITS, THE DAKOTAS (obscure WB western), THE INVADERS, THE MAN FROM UNCLE.

MIKE:  Oooh!  What do you think of Lost?

LARRY: (SHORT PAUSE) Well, it's so up and down with LOST.  I really don't want to meet any new peripheral characters and have to slog through their backstries anymore thank you.  But there's been enough engrossing stuff, and hell I've invested this much time, might as well see how it all turns out.

IKE: (Quietly. To Mike) He talked ta us.  Dick’s in the door. Run with it, limey.

MIKE: (To Larry) Any chance you’d be willing to answer a few more questions from us?  We need an interview fix.

FADE TO:

Mike & Ike are standing at the bar, apparently waiting for drinks.

MIKE: (VO) So after Jennifer signed our copy of her new children’s book STICKEY MAE GREY, Larry said he’d be willing to talk to us and he suggested we go buy a round.  We got the drinks.

They do.

MIKE: (VO. CONT’D) We turned around.

They do.

MIKE: (VO. CONT’D) and they were gone.

THEIR POV:

An empty table.

BACK TO SCENE

IKE:  Don’t surprise me, really.  That guy was doin’ better than we would’ve.

PART 3:  JEREMY C SHIPP

Mike & Ike, looking quite dejected, sit at a table, also looking at their drinks.  Over the following narration, JEREMY C SHIPP walks over to the table, smiling.  He talks to them for a few moments, and their moods brighten considerably.  Finally, he joins them.

Ike: (VO) One of the coolest things about Twitter, besides stalkin’ people we’re already fans of, is findin’ new people ta stalk.  One such guy is Jeremy Shipp, the most interestin’ writer we’ve discovered since Tom Robbins.  If ya know who I’m talkin’ ‘bout, ya know what that means.  If ya don’t, Google it, assholes.  As it turned out, he was in The Pub, he was alone (His wife was dealin’ with the Evil Clowns), and best of all, Bin Laden hated him too (Apparantly, not a big fan of THE EGG).  He was willing ta be interviewed and we were willin’ ta have him sign our copy of his new novel Cursed ta suck up for it.

MIKE:  You’ve mentioned before that you live in a “semi haunted” house.  Please explain.

JCS:  A semi-haunted house is a haunted house where the ghosts are lazy. At most, they try to scare me by moving a spork around. They don’t even help out with the house work.

MIKE:  Did it take you awhile to find your particular style or did you know right off the bat “This is how I want to tell a story?”

JCS:  It took me a while. A long while. I started writing novels when I was 13, and I’ve been writing about one a year ever since. With my first few novels, I tried writing like other writers I liked. But over the years, my voice evolved.  I learned to let go of my preconceptions about style. I learned to write the way that works for me.

IKE:  How old were ya when ya realized your brain just doesn’t work the same way as everyone else’s?

JCS:  I’ve almost always been around people whose brains are similar to mine.  People such as my brothers. We used to play pretend quite a bit growing up.  One of our characters was an extremely lucky wrestler whose best friends were Neanderthals.  Another character was a floating mouth that could eat people and send them to another dimension. Another character was Death. Maybe all kids play pretend like that. I don’t know.  Anyway, I didn’t really feel weird until I started school. Sometimes I didn’t embrace my weirdness. Sometimes I did.  These days, I always do.

MIKE:  What’s more fun for you:  short stories or novels?

JCS:  Novels are my favorite. I love sticking with the same characters for so long. I love exploring their psyche and their world.

MIKE:  Lawn gnomes vs. evil clowns in all out war:  Who wins?

JCS:  Eventually, the gnomes would convince the clowns to give up their evil ways and create hunter gatherer-based eco-villages. Everyone would win.

IKE:  Normally we hate askin’ where d’ya get your ideas from but in this case, we gotta.  Camp:  What the hell?

JCS:  I wanted to write a story about social pressure; about how kids will do almost anything, sacrifice almost anything to obtain approval from their parents.  And I wanted to write a story about how some kids find the courage to fight back against their parents.  As for the twisted camp concept itself, the idea came to me like a baseball bat in the head.

IKE:  First draft:  computer or longhand?

JCS:  I like to brainstorm in longhand. I also carry around a notebook, so I can write at parks and in the bellies of leviathans and in magical forests. But I do most of writing on my coconut computer.

MIKE:  What are you willing to spill about the new novel you’re working on and will we get an advanced copy to read?

JCS:  At this point, I’m calling the novel Bridge, although that might change at some point in the future. The main character, Bridge, has a lot of love in her heart, but she doesn’t know how to express it. There are forces in the world that want to claim her, but hopefully, she’ll find a way to keep her soul in tact.  And if it’s in my power to do so, I would love to send you an ARC,

MIKE:  What’s on your reading list?

JCS:  The new Wimpy Kid book is on the top of my list.  I love those books.  Also, I’m going to read all the new Bizarro books I can get a hold of.  And I’m looking to read more Haruki Murakami, Kurt Vonnegut, Lois Lowry, and Francesca Lia Block

IKE:  What is it about Twitter that is so soul stealingly addictive? 

JCS:  Civilization may be made up of a massive amount of people, but for the most part, our tribal, communal way of life has been shattered. Perhaps Twitter is one of the many tools we use to feel connected to a community. Or maybe we’re all just being hypnotized by internet demons.

IKE:  I’ll buy that for a dollar.

MIKE:  And now, Jeremy, we end this interview like we end all interviews—

JCS: (Interrupting) With the famous questionnaire you ripped off from Inside the Actor’s Studio, I know.  I love this bit.  I have some ideas for you.

MIKE:  Excuse me?

JCS:  Like do you believe everything your belly button lint tells you?

IKE:  Um…yeah, but we got some que—

JCS:  Where would you like the clown to bite you first?

MIKE:  The duodenum, but we’d like to—

JCS:  Why would you eat a chainsaw?

MIKE:  It bought me a drink and said I was pretty first. 

IKE:  This is startin’ ta creep me out, limey!

MIKE:  I know.  (To JEREMY) Let me ask a—

JCS:  Do zombies ever suffer from distorted body images?

IKE:  Make him stop, limey!  Make him stop!

MIKE:  I’m trying but—

JCS:  If a mime screams in a forest, does it make a sound?

Mike & Ike both look at the camera and scream horribly as we

FADE TO BLACK

PART 4:  EPILOGUE

TRUPHEN NEWBEN stands at the bar.

TRUPHEN:  Do parallel dimensions exist and, if so, are they perpendicular to each other?  Was this a glimpse into another universe?  No.  This was, in fact, a drug induced rant from a pair of possibly non-existent Q List celebrities desperately craving attention.  And can geese be named collectively?  Join us next week for another step in the walk of the unknown.  Until then, I’m your host, Truphen Newben, saying—