Read this, it is more important than your own life:

For many months now I have been working on something which I believe will shake the world of stand-up comedy on its very axis and leave all my comedic contemporaries deaf, blind and mute. They shall be as quivering wrecks in the gutter of has-beens, languishing in a lake of their own lamentable fluids. I shall look down and see them rolling around in the agony of their own inadequacy and i shall spit on them the rankest, stickiest greenest mouth-bogie there has ever been.

It is with a puffed-up chest full of justifiable pride that i smugly announce to you all here and now exclusively that my new stand-up comedy show 'Social Leprosy For Beginners And Improvers.' is ready for public viewing.

It is better than anything there has ever been in the entire history of the world. It will never be equalled by another, except if I should choose to equal it myself, and it will definitely never be surpassed.

I advise you most sincerely to attend one of my preview shows in June or July because once I take it to the Edinburgh Cunts Festival in August you won't be able to get a ticket for love nor money-that's how very good it is.

And so,because I am a decent human being and I wouldn't want you to miss out on the most astounding comedic endeavour in the history of the Universe, I have listed below a number of preview shows you will most certainly want to attend. If you have any common sense, taste, class or culture about you at all then I fully expect to see you there.

*Please note that 'Social Leprosy For Beginners And Improvers' will not contain any musical comedy. Legislation recently passed by the Comedians' Council Of Great Britain expilicity states: 'from now on musical comedy can only be performed by and for people who fuck barnyard animals'. Consequently I have given up musical comedy. Sorry.*

8th June: Old Fire Station Studio, George Street, Oxford, OX1 2AQ, 8.45pm box office: 01865 297 170

12th June: Venue M, 10 George Street, Old Town, Hastings, 8.30pm

15th June: Liverpool Comedy Festival, Performance Room, 35 Sefton St, L8 5SL, 8.30pm, Box Office: 0870 787 1866

17th June: Battersea Arts Centre, Lavender Hill, London, SW11 5TN, Main House Theatre, 7pm, box office: 0207 223 2223

26th June: Lowdown At The Albany, 240 Great Portland St, London, w1w 5qu, 8pm, box office: 0207 387 5706

27th June: Canterbury Gulbenkian Theatre, University Of Kent, CT2 7NB, 8pm

3rd July, Lowdown At The Albany, 8pm

10th July, Ginglik, Shepherds Bush Green, London, W12 8PH, 8pm

11th July: 99Club Islington, Camden Head, 2 Camden Walk, N1 8DY,9.45pm

22nd July: 99 Club Leicester Square, Storm Night Club, Leicester Square, London, 9pm

24th July: Lowdown At The Albany, 8pm.

(In the event that Andrew Lawrence's show 'Social Leprosy For Beginners And Improvers'  should not live up to the expectations of this blog, there can be no refunds.)

Please please come for the love of god please.                                              No, but please.